The graph below shows how much of their income people between 20 and 35 spent on rent, food and bills between 1975 and 2015.

The graph below shows how much of their income people between 20 and 35 spent on rent, food and bills between 1975 and 2015.

The line graph provides information about the amount of money people between the ages of 20 and 35 spent on three categories, namely rent, food, and household bills over 40 years, starting from 1975.

Overall, there was an increase in the money used in the three categories. Notably, despite following the same pattern in the first half of the period, the percentage of income spent varied considerably in the second half, with renting receiving the most money.

At the beginning of the given time, the percentage of money spent on rent, food, and household bills stood at around 8%, 7% and 6% respectively. This number then increased to meet at roughly 16%. However, the rest of the period witnessed a significant change in the proportion of income that young people spent. Regarding renting, the amount of money spent on this went up remarkably to 25%, which remained relatively stable for the next 13 years, followed by a slight increase to 27% in the final year.

Looking at the remaining categories, young people between 20 and 35 spent about 16% of their income on food, while household bills accounted for approximately 14% in 1998. Interestingly, these figures followed the same trend, with household bills being spent less than food. The numbers leveled off eight years later since 1998, and climbed up to 15% and 17% respectively, followed by a quick dip in 2015.

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "amount of money people" -> "expenditure of individuals"
    Explanation: Replacing "amount of money people" with "expenditure of individuals" elevates the language by using a more precise and formal term, providing a nuanced description of financial transactions.

  2. "money used in the three categories" -> "expenditure across the three categories"
    Explanation: Changing "money used in the three categories" to "expenditure across the three categories" enhances clarity and sophistication by employing the term "expenditure" and avoiding repetition of the word "money."

  3. "percentage of income spent" -> "proportion of income allocated"
    Explanation: Substituting "percentage of income spent" with "proportion of income allocated" introduces a more nuanced term, conveying the idea of distribution rather than mere spending.

  4. "the rest of the period" -> "the subsequent years"
    Explanation: "The rest of the period" is replaced with "the subsequent years" for a more formal and precise expression, providing a clearer timeline of events.

  5. "went up remarkably to" -> "escalated significantly to"
    Explanation: Changing "went up remarkably to" to "escalated significantly to" introduces a more sophisticated and descriptive term, providing a more vivid picture of the increase.

  6. "remained relatively stable" -> "sustained a relatively steady level"
    Explanation: Replacing "remained relatively stable" with "sustained a relatively steady level" enhances precision by using the term "sustained" and provides a more formal tone.

  7. "Looking at the remaining categories" -> "Examining the remaining classifications"
    Explanation: Substituting "Looking at the remaining categories" with "Examining the remaining classifications" elevates the formality of the statement and introduces a more refined term, "classifications."

  8. "these figures followed the same trend" -> "these data points exhibited a similar pattern"
    Explanation: Replacing "these figures followed the same trend" with "these data points exhibited a similar pattern" introduces a more precise term, "data points," and enhances the formality of the description.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
The essay generally covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in spending on rent, food, and household bills over the given period. The information is presented with clarity, and key features are highlighted appropriately. However, the explanation of trends could be more fully extended, particularly in the second half of the period.

How to improve:
To enhance the response and potentially move to a higher band score, consider providing more detailed and nuanced explanations of the trends observed, especially in the second half of the period. Expand on why there was a significant increase in the percentage of income spent on rent and delve deeper into the fluctuations in spending on food and household bills. Additionally, ensure that the essay consistently maintains a clear focus on the key features and avoids unnecessary details that may be irrelevant or repetitive.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information with a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and the time frame. Each paragraph has a clear central topic, focusing on different aspects of the data presented. The use of transitions and cohesive devices aids in maintaining the flow, and there is a balanced distribution of information across the essay.

The sequencing of information is generally well-managed, especially in presenting the trends over time. The writer effectively utilizes cohesive devices to connect ideas, providing a smooth transition between sentences and paragraphs. The overall structure of the essay contributes to coherence, and the logical progression aids in understanding the information presented.

Paragraphing is mostly appropriate, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the data. The essay demonstrates an understanding of how to manage paragraphing effectively to enhance coherence.

However, there is a slight overuse of certain phrases like "the percentage of money spent," and the essay could benefit from a more varied and nuanced use of language.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider varying the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetitive phrases. Additionally, strive for greater lexical diversity in expressing ideas. While the overall organization is sound, ensure that the conclusion provides a concise summary of the key trends without introducing new information. Overall, maintaining this level of organization and refining language use will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

This essay demonstrates a commendable use of vocabulary, incorporating a range of terms relevant to the given topic, such as "proportion," "remarkably," "significantly," and "witnessed." There is a good attempt to convey specific meanings, and the writer uses less common lexical items effectively, like "accounted for" and "leveled off," showcasing a moderate awareness of style and collocation.

While there are instances of precise vocabulary and some flexibility in expression, occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation slightly hinder the fluency and precision expected in higher bands. For instance, the phrase "the percentage of money spent on rent, food, and household bills" could be refined to enhance precision.

How to improve:
To elevate the lexical resource to a Band 8 level, aim for more consistent accuracy in word choice and collocation. Use a broader spectrum of sophisticated vocabulary in a manner that further enhances precision and fluency. Ensure that the chosen words not only fit the context but also convey the intended meanings with utmost accuracy. Additionally, strive for more intricate sentence structures and nuanced vocabulary to further elevate the lexical sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

This essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex sentence structures. The writer effectively uses a mix of sentence types, incorporating compound and complex sentences to articulate ideas. The essay displays a good control of grammar and punctuation, with frequent error-free sentences contributing to overall coherence. There’s consistency in the use of tenses and structures, and the essay largely maintains coherence and clarity throughout.

The candidate shows an ability to utilize a range of vocabulary and structures to convey information accurately. Sentences are varied and show attempts at complexity, contributing to a cohesive discussion of the data presented in the graph. While minor errors are present, they do not significantly impede understanding and are more akin to slips or occasional mistakes rather than systematic issues.

How to improve:
To aim for a higher band score, focus on further diversifying sentence structures and employing more sophisticated vocabulary. Additionally, pay closer attention to minor errors in grammar and punctuation to enhance overall accuracy. Consider refining the transitions between ideas to enhance the essay’s coherence and fluidity.

Continue practicing writing complex sentences and ensure precise usage of grammar and punctuation to elevate the essay’s accuracy and coherence further.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates the expenditure patterns of individuals aged 20 to 35 in the categories of rent, food, and household bills over a 40-year span, commencing from 1975.

In general, there was an upward trend in spending across all three categories. Notably, while these expenses followed a similar trajectory in the initial half of the period, a substantial divergence emerged in the latter half, with rent garnering the highest proportion of income.

At the outset of the given timeframe, approximately 8%, 7%, and 6% of income were allocated to rent, food, and household bills, respectively. This collective expenditure escalated, reaching an approximate convergence at 16%. However, a noteworthy transformation in the distribution of income among these categories unfolded in the subsequent years. Specifically, spending on rent witnessed a remarkable surge, peaking at 25%, which endured with relative stability for the subsequent 13 years, followed by a marginal increase to 27% in the final year.

Examining the remaining categories, individuals in the 20 to 35 age bracket allocated roughly 16% of their income to food, while household bills constituted approximately 14% in 1998. Interestingly, these proportions exhibited parallel trends, with household bills consistently trailing behind food expenditures. Subsequently, these figures plateaued eight years post-1998, experiencing an upward shift to 15% and 17%, respectively, before experiencing a slight decline in 2015.

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