The graph below shows information about the recruitment of teachers in Ontarion between 2001 and 2007. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows information about the recruitment of teachers in Ontarion between 2001 and 2007.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant.

The given line graph compares information about the percentage of first-year teachers who were employed after they had graduated in Ontario from 2001 to 2007.
Overall, more English teachers were hired than French ones before 2002; however, the percentage of English teachers experienced a downward trend after that while that of French ones showed the opposite trend.
The proportion of English teachers who had regular employment accounted for around 75% in 2001, which was the highest figure over the whole period. However, there was a sharp decrease to 40% in 2003. Although the figure increased slightly by 5% in two years later until 2005, it continued dramatically falling again to under 30% in 2007.
Starting at 70% in 2001, the share of employed French teachers shared a similar downward pattern with that of English ones in the first two years. Nevertheless, between 2002 and 2005, it suddenly shot up from over 50% back to 70%. After that, it experienced a minimal fall to around 68% in 2006 before jumping to the peak at around 75% in 2007.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line graph compares" -> "The line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is more precise and academically appropriate than "compares," as it accurately describes the function of a graph in presenting data without making a direct comparison.
"first-year teachers" -> "newly qualified teachers"
Explanation: "Newly qualified teachers" is a more specific and formal term that better describes the category of teachers being discussed, enhancing the academic tone of the text.
"who were employed" -> "who were employed as"
Explanation: Adding "as" clarifies that the employment refers to a specific type of employment, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"more English teachers were hired than French ones" -> "a greater number of English teachers were employed than French teachers"
Explanation: "A greater number of" is more formal and precise than "more," and specifying "employed" instead of "hired" aligns with the context of the graph, which discusses employment rates.
"the percentage of English teachers experienced a downward trend" -> "the proportion of English teachers decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more direct and formal term than "experienced a downward trend," which can sound vague and less precise in an academic context.
"the opposite trend" -> "the converse trend"
Explanation: "Converse" is a more formal synonym for "opposite," fitting better in academic writing.
"accounted for around" -> "represented approximately"
Explanation: "Represented approximately" is more formal and precise than "accounted for around," which is somewhat colloquial.
"there was a sharp decrease" -> "there was a significant decline"
Explanation: "Significant decline" is a more formal and precise term than "sharp decrease," which can be seen as somewhat informal.
"it continued dramatically falling" -> "it continued to decline dramatically"
Explanation: Adding "to" before "decline" corrects the grammatical structure and maintains the formal tone.
"the share of employed French teachers shared a similar downward pattern" -> "the proportion of employed French teachers exhibited a similar downward trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more appropriate than "shared" in this context, as it accurately describes the display of data in the graph.
"it suddenly shot up" -> "it suddenly increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal and less colloquial term than "shot up," which is informal and can be seen as too vivid for academic writing.
"jumping to the peak" -> "reaching a peak"
Explanation: "Reaching a peak" is a more formal and precise way to describe the attainment of a maximum point, avoiding the colloquial "jumping."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. It accurately describes the overall trend for both English and French teachers, highlighting the key features of the graph. The essay also makes relevant comparisons between the two types of teachers.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in the percentage of teachers employed. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of English teachers employed fell by 35% between 2001 and 2003. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends. For example, instead of saying that the percentage of French teachers "suddenly shot up," the essay could say that the percentage increased by 20% between 2002 and 2005.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout the response. The introduction effectively outlines the main trends, and the body paragraphs provide detailed comparisons between the employment rates of English and French teachers. There is a clear central topic within each paragraph, and cohesive devices are used appropriately to link ideas. However, there are instances of slight awkwardness in phrasing and some overuse of certain cohesive devices, which prevents it from reaching a higher band.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer could focus on refining the use of cohesive devices to avoid redundancy and ensure that all connections between ideas are clear and varied. Additionally, enhancing the clarity of paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph distinctly addresses a single aspect of the data could improve coherence. More sophisticated linking phrases and a more varied vocabulary would also contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms like "employed," "percentage," and "downward trend." However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportion" and "accounted for," but these are not always accurate or effectively used. There are some errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the share of employed French teachers shared a similar downward pattern," which could be clearer. Additionally, there are minor spelling and grammatical errors that do not impede communication but do indicate a lack of control over lexical features.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring that less common lexical items are used correctly would enhance clarity. Additionally, reducing errors in spelling and grammatical structures would improve overall lexical resource. It would also be helpful to vary sentence structures and avoid repetition to demonstrate greater flexibility in language use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While it manages to convey the main features of the graph and makes some relevant comparisons, there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the percentage of English teachers experienced a downward trend" lack proper subject-verb agreement, and there are instances of awkward phrasing that could confuse the reader. Overall, the errors do not completely obscure communication, but they do detract from the overall effectiveness of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by reviewing subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Increasing the use of error-free complex sentences and ensuring that punctuation is used correctly would also help. Additionally, varying sentence structures more effectively and reducing the frequency of grammatical errors would contribute to a clearer and more sophisticated presentation of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph compares the percentage of first-year teachers who were employed after graduating in Ontario from 2001 to 2007. Overall, more English teachers were hired than French teachers before 2002; however, the percentage of English teachers experienced a downward trend thereafter, while that of French teachers showed the opposite trend.

The proportion of English teachers with regular employment accounted for around 75% in 2001, which was the highest figure throughout the entire period. However, there was a sharp decrease to 40% in 2003. Although the figure increased slightly by 5% two years later, reaching 45% in 2005, it continued to fall dramatically again to under 30% in 2007.

Starting at 70% in 2001, the share of employed French teachers exhibited a similar downward pattern to that of English teachers in the first two years. Nevertheless, between 2002 and 2005, it suddenly surged from over 50% back to 70%. After that, it experienced a minimal decline to around 68% in 2006 before jumping to a peak of approximately 75% in 2007.