the graph below shows that the percentage of australian export to 4 countries from 1990 to 2012

The given line graph illustrates how many proportions of Australians living abroad in 4 different nations between 1990 and 2012.
At the first glance, there was a decrease in the percentage of Australians living in Japan and the United States, with the US witnessing the most significant fluctuation over the measured period, while the reverse trend was found in China and India. In addition, Australians living in China rose rapidly in the period of 22 years starting in 1990.
To begin with, starting the year of 1990, the proportion of Australians living in Japan was the highest, after which it experienced a gradual drop in every year, before ending at around 17% in 2012. While on the other hand, the figure for Australians export in China in the first year (1990) found the second lowest nation with only under 5% to the highest one in the chart with almost 30% in 2012 due to its considerable rise through the 22 years period.
Furthermore, approximately 2% Australian people exporting to India in 1990, with a consequent stable change, the proportion stayed unchanged until 2000, it immediately reached the peak at roughly 8% in 2010, thereafter it slightly dropped to 6% in 2012. lastly, the figure for Australians who were lived in the US fluctuated over the period from above 10% in 1990 to nearly 7% in 2012

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" when referring to visual representations like graphs in academic writing.
"how many proportions of Australians" -> "the proportion of Australians"
Explanation: "How many proportions" is incorrect as "proportion" is a singular noun. "The proportion" is the correct form, indicating a single measure or amount.
"At the first glance" -> "At first glance"
Explanation: "At first glance" is the correct idiomatic expression, which should not be split into two words.
"the reverse trend was found in China and India" -> "the trend reversed in China and India"
Explanation: "The trend reversed" is a more direct and academically appropriate way to describe a change in direction.
"Australians living in China rose rapidly" -> "the proportion of Australians living in China increased significantly"
Explanation: "Rose rapidly" is informal and vague; "increased significantly" is more precise and formal.
"the period of 22 years starting in 1990" -> "the 22-year period starting in 1990"
Explanation: "The 22-year period" is a more concise and formal way to express the duration.
"the figure for Australians export in China" -> "the proportion of Australians exporting to China"
Explanation: "Export" is a verb and should not be used as a noun in this context. "Exporting" is the correct verb form.
"the highest one in the chart with almost 30%" -> "the highest proportion, reaching nearly 30%"
Explanation: "The highest one in the chart" is awkward and informal; "the highest proportion" is more precise and formal.
"approximately 2% Australian people exporting to India" -> "approximately 2% of Australians exporting to India"
Explanation: "Australian people" is redundant and informal; "of Australians" is the correct phrase.
"the proportion stayed unchanged" -> "the proportion remained unchanged"
Explanation: "Remained" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "stayed."
"it immediately reached the peak" -> "it then reached its peak"
Explanation: "Then" is more formal and precise than "immediately," which can imply a sudden or unexpected change.
"it slightly dropped to 6% in 2012" -> "it decreased slightly to 6% in 2012"
Explanation: "Decreased" is more formal and precise than "dropped," which is somewhat informal.
"lastly, the figure for Australians who were lived in the US" -> "finally, the proportion of Australians living in the US"
Explanation: "Lived" is incorrect as it is not the correct form for describing a proportion; "living" is the correct verb form. Also, "lastly" is less formal than "finally," which is more suitable for academic writing.

These corrections aim to enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, and the data to support the description is not always accurate. For example, the essay states that the proportion of Australians living in India stayed unchanged until 2000, but the graph shows that it increased slightly.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by presenting a clearer overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay should also be more accurate in its description of the data. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of Australians living in India increased slightly from 1990 to 2000, and then increased more rapidly from 2000 to 2010. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the graph. For example, instead of saying that the proportion of Australians living in Japan "experienced a gradual drop in every year," the essay could say that the proportion "decreased steadily" or "declined consistently."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in the data, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, which affects the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, paragraphing is not consistently logical, as some ideas are not clearly separated or developed within their respective paragraphs.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing information by using more effective paragraphing techniques, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices should be varied and appropriate, avoiding repetition and ensuring that they accurately reflect the relationships between ideas. Finally, improving the clarity of references and substitutions will help create a smoother flow of information throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the trends shown in the graph, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with several inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For instance, phrases like "the proportion of Australians living in Japan was the highest" could be more effectively expressed with varied vocabulary. Additionally, errors in spelling and word formation, such as "Australian people exporting to India" instead of "Australians living in India," may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource does not sufficiently convey precise meanings and lacks the sophistication expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and demonstrate greater precision in word choice. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, paying attention to collocations and ensuring correct word forms will improve clarity and coherence. Reading more academic texts and practicing paraphrasing can also aid in developing a richer vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex sentences. However, the accuracy of these structures is inconsistent, with frequent grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing that can cause difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the figure for Australians export" and "the highest one in the chart" indicate issues with noun forms and clarity. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as the misuse of commas and conjunctions, which further detracts from the overall clarity of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with subordinate clauses. Practicing grammar rules, particularly around noun forms and punctuation, will help reduce errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay for clarity and coherence can help ensure that the intended meaning is conveyed more effectively. Engaging with more complex texts and exercises can also aid in developing a stronger command of grammar.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the proportions of Australians living abroad in four different nations between 1990 and 2012.

At first glance, there was a decrease in the percentage of Australians living in Japan and the United States, with the US witnessing the most significant fluctuation over the measured period, while a reverse trend was observed in China and India. Additionally, the number of Australians living in China rose rapidly over the 22-year period starting in 1990.

To begin with, in 1990, the proportion of Australians living in Japan was the highest, after which it experienced a gradual decline each year, ending at around 17% in 2012. On the other hand, the figure for Australians in China in the first year (1990) was the second lowest, at just under 5%, but rose to nearly 30% in 2012 due to a considerable increase over the 22-year period.

Furthermore, approximately 2% of Australians were living in India in 1990, with a relatively stable trend; the proportion remained unchanged until 2000, then it peaked at roughly 8% in 2010, before slightly dropping to 6% in 2012. Lastly, the figure for Australians living in the US fluctuated over the period, decreasing from above 10% in 1990 to nearly 7% in 2012.