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The graph below shows the average monthly change in the prices of three metals during 2014. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the average monthly change in the prices of three metals during 2014. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line chart illustrates the percentage of citizens in four distinct Asian countries in the period of 50 years, starting from 1970 and forecasts for 2030 and 2040.

Overall, the population in cities of four Asian countries increased. It is evident that the percentage of Malaysian residents in cities is highest.

Looking at the line graph in Malaysia and Thailand, in 1970, the percentage of inhabitants in cities of Malaysia stood at about 30%, which was 10% greater than that of Thailand. There was a remarkable climb of approximately 45% in the figure for citizens in Malaysia over 50 years. After going up to nearly 30% in 1990, the population in Thailand remained stable at around this position over 30 years. In addition, the figure for Malaysia's population is suggested to stand at 80%, twice as much as that of Thailand in 2030. In the next 10 years, it is expected that the data of citizens in Thailand and Malaysia will significantly climb to over 80% and 45%, respectively.

Regarding two other countries, the figure for citizens in the Philippines reached the highest point of about 50% while that of Indonesia witnessed a gradual rise of roughly 10% in 1990. Moreover, the statistics of Indonesian inhabitants in cities surpassed and rose to above 50% which was under 10% higher than that of the Philippines in 2020. Additionally, in 2040, the population in the Philippines and Indonesia will continually rise by approximately 5% and 2%, respectively in comparison with the year 2030.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "in the period of 50 years" -> "over the span of 50 years"
    Explanation: Replacing "in the period of 50 years" with "over the span of 50 years" adds a more precise and sophisticated expression, enhancing the overall clarity of the statement.

  2. "the population in cities of four Asian countries increased" -> "urban population across four Asian countries grew"
    Explanation: Changing "the population in cities of four Asian countries increased" to "urban population across four Asian countries grew" provides a more formal and accurate description of the data, using a more nuanced term like "urban population."

  3. "it is evident that the percentage of Malaysian residents in cities is highest" -> "the highest proportion of urban residents is evident in Malaysia"
    Explanation: The suggested change maintains clarity while using a more advanced structure and vocabulary, shifting from "the percentage of Malaysian residents in cities is highest" to "the highest proportion of urban residents is evident in Malaysia."

  4. "in 1970, the percentage of inhabitants in cities of Malaysia stood at about 30%" -> "In 1970, the urban population percentage in Malaysia was approximately 30%"
    Explanation: The revised version provides a more precise and formal expression by replacing "the percentage of inhabitants in cities of Malaysia stood at about 30%" with "In 1970, the urban population percentage in Malaysia was approximately 30%."

  5. "There was a remarkable climb of approximately 45% in the figure for citizens in Malaysia over 50 years." -> "The figure for urban citizens in Malaysia witnessed a remarkable ascent of approximately 45% over a span of 50 years."
    Explanation: The suggested change maintains the meaning while using more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary, replacing "There was a remarkable climb of approximately 45% in the figure for citizens in Malaysia over 50 years" with "The figure for urban citizens in Malaysia witnessed a remarkable ascent of approximately 45% over a span of 50 years."

  6. "After going up to nearly 30% in 1990, the population in Thailand remained stable at around this position over 30 years." -> "Following an increase to nearly 30% in 1990, the urban population in Thailand remained consistently at this level for over 30 years."
    Explanation: The revised version enhances formality and precision by replacing "After going up to nearly 30% in 1990, the population in Thailand remained stable at around this position over 30 years" with "Following an increase to nearly 30% in 1990, the urban population in Thailand remained consistently at this level for over 30 years."

  7. "the figure for Malaysia’s population is suggested to stand at 80%" -> "the projection indicates Malaysia’s urban population is expected to reach 80%"
    Explanation: Changing "the figure for Malaysia’s population is suggested to stand at 80%" to "the projection indicates Malaysia’s urban population is expected to reach 80%" provides a more precise and formal expression, emphasizing the forecasted nature of the data.

  8. "In the next 10 years, it is expected that the data of citizens in Thailand and Malaysia will significantly climb to over 80% and 45%, respectively." -> "Over the next decade, a significant increase is anticipated in the urban population, surpassing 80% in Thailand and reaching 45% in Malaysia."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the formality and clarity of the statement, replacing "In the next 10 years, it is expected that the data of citizens in Thailand and Malaysia will significantly climb to over 80% and 45%, respectively" with "Over the next decade, a significant increase is anticipated in the urban population, surpassing 80% in Thailand and reaching 45% in Malaysia."

  9. "Regarding two other countries" -> "Concerning the other two countries"
    Explanation: The suggested change, from "Regarding two other countries" to "Concerning the other two countries," introduces a more sophisticated and formal transition, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.

  10. "the figure for citizens in the Philippines reached the highest point of about 50%" -> "the peak figure for urban citizens in the Philippines reached approximately 50%"
    Explanation: The revised version provides a more detailed and formal expression by replacing "the figure for citizens in the Philippines reached the highest point of about 50%" with "the peak figure for urban citizens in the Philippines reached approximately 50%."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task, providing a clear overview of the main trends in the percentage of urban residents in four Asian countries over a 50-year period. The writer appropriately selects and reports key features, such as the initial percentages in 1970, significant changes over the years, and future projections for 2030 and 2040. The information is presented in a logical sequence.

The essay also makes relevant comparisons between the countries, highlighting the differences in urbanization trends. For example, it notes the substantial increase in Malaysia’s urban population compared to the relatively stable figures in Thailand. Similarly, the comparison between the Philippines and Indonesia is adequately discussed, including the higher urban population in the Philippines and the gradual rise in Indonesia.

How to improve:
While the essay provides a clear overview and highlights key features, there is room for improvement in fully extending certain points. The explanation of data trends could be more detailed, and the analysis of the figures for Indonesia and the Philippines in 2040 could be more specific. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more varied vocabulary and more precise language in describing the trends and comparisons. Overall, a more detailed and nuanced analysis would elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information about the population percentages in cities of four Asian countries over a 50-year period. There is an attempt to sequence information chronologically and make comparisons between the countries. The essay uses some cohesive devices to link information, like "in addition," "regarding," and "moreover." However, the essay lacks clear overall progression and has issues with coherence. The organization lacks a strong logical flow, making it challenging to follow the progression of data. Paragraphing is attempted, but it doesn’t effectively segment the information, contributing to the lack of coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Structural organization: Create a clearer structure by segmenting the essay into distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect or country’s data to enhance coherence.
  2. Logical progression: Ensure a smoother flow of ideas by arranging information in a more chronological or comparative manner. This will help in presenting the data more coherently.
  3. Cohesive devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases to better connect ideas. This will help in guiding the reader through the essay more effectively.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, and the writer effectively conveys information about the changes in the percentage of urban population in four Asian countries over a 50-year period. The language used is generally clear and precise, contributing to a well-understood message. The essay includes a variety of vocabulary related to demographics and trends. The writer successfully uses less common lexical items and shows awareness of style and collocation.

There are occasional errors in word choice, such as in the phrase "forecasts for 2030 and 2040," where ‘forecasts’ might be better replaced with ‘projected figures.’ Additionally, there is a minor issue with the sentence structure in "the figure for Malaysia’s population is suggested to stand at 80%," as it could be expressed more concisely. Despite these occasional inaccuracies, they do not significantly impede communication.

Spelling and word formation are generally accurate, contributing to effective communication. However, there are a few areas where sentence structures could be more varied for improved fluency.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource and achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim for greater precision in word choice, ensuring that each word used is the most accurate for the context. Also, working on sentence structure variety and fluency would contribute to an overall improvement in lexical resource. Consider employing a mix of complex and compound sentences to add depth to the analysis while maintaining clarity.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, providing a generally clear communication of ideas. There is a reasonable attempt to use a variety of complex structures, and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are some grammatical errors and instances of awkward phrasing that may slightly impede comprehension. Punctuation is generally sound, but there are a few errors.

How to improve:

  1. Sentence Structure: Continue to diversify sentence structures. Introduce more complex sentences to enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay.
  2. Grammatical Accuracy: Pay closer attention to grammatical accuracy. Review sentence constructions to ensure clarity and correctness.
  3. Phrasing and Clarity: Refine phrasing to enhance clarity. Some sentences are a bit awkward and could be reworded for smoother readability.
  4. Punctuation: While overall punctuation is good, address specific instances of errors to maintain a consistently high standard.

This essay is on the cusp of achieving a higher band score, and with focused improvements, it could elevate to a Band 7.0 by refining sentence structures, ensuring grammatical accuracy, enhancing phrasing for clarity, and maintaining consistent punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line chart delineates the percentage change in the urban population of four distinct Asian countries over a span of 50 years, commencing from 1970 and projecting into 2030 and 2040.

Overall, there was a noticeable surge in urban populations across the four Asian nations. Notably, Malaysia exhibited the highest percentage of city residents.

Examining the data for Malaysia and Thailand in 1970, the urban population in Malaysia was approximately 30%, surpassing that of Thailand by 10%. Over the subsequent five decades, Malaysia experienced a remarkable ascent, reaching around 45% by 2020. In contrast, Thailand’s urban population plateaued at roughly 30% since 1990. Projections indicate that by 2030, Malaysia’s urban populace is anticipated to reach 80%, doubling that of Thailand. In the following decade, both countries are expected to witness substantial increases, with Thailand reaching over 80% and Malaysia surpassing 45%.

Turning to the Philippines and Indonesia, the former peaked at approximately 50%, while the latter witnessed a gradual increase, reaching around 10% by 1990. Furthermore, in 2020, Indonesia’s urban population exceeded that of the Philippines by just under 10%, standing at over 50%. Projecting into 2040, the urban population in the Philippines is expected to rise by around 5%, while Indonesia’s is projected to increase by approximately 2% compared to 2030.

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