The graph below shows the hospital admissions for five hospitals in a European country from 2004 to 2018.

The number of patients admitted to hospitals located in five places, namely Fortsmith, Adlin, Stanton, Bardley, and Oxley, in a European country during 2004-2018 is illustrated in the line graph.

Broadly speaking, the weekly hospital admissions in Bardley and Adlin notched up as the years advanced, whereas the hospital in Oxley witnessed a decline in the number of patients. The admissions in Stanton and Fortsmith plateaued during the period.

As is illustrated in the line graph, although the medical center in Oxley stood the highest in terms of weekly admissions in 2004 with a figure of almost 240, it experienced a decline as the years passed and reached the lowest position in 2018 with approximately 110 admissions. The number of admitted patients in Bardley was marginally greater than those in Fortsmith, that is, 200 and 185 respectively. While both hospitals experienced a seesaw during the middle part of the period, the admissions in Bardley went up erratically at the end, whereas Fortsmith had an erratic decrease and figured 200 in 2018.

The admitted patients' count in Adlin and Stanton coincided in 2010, and the figure was almost 125. While the hospital in Adlin witnessed an incline from 2010 to 2018 and the second position at the end of the period with the admission count of 250, there was a marginal increment of admissions in the medical center in Stanton and it reached 160 in 2018.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"notched up" -> "increased"
Explanation: "Notched up" is informal and somewhat colloquial. "Increased" is a more precise and formal term that accurately conveys the rise in hospital admissions.
"witnessed a decline" -> "experienced a decline"
Explanation: While "witnessed" is not incorrect, "experienced" is more appropriate in an academic context as it implies a direct occurrence rather than passive observation.
"plateaued" -> "remained stable"
Explanation: "Plateaued" can imply a specific type of leveling off that may not be clear to all readers. "Remained stable" is clearer and more formal, indicating that there was no significant change in admissions.
"stood the highest" -> "had the highest"
Explanation: "Stood the highest" is somewhat informal; "had the highest" is more straightforward and aligns better with academic language.
"experienced a decline as the years passed" -> "experienced a decline over time"
Explanation: "As the years passed" is vague and less formal. "Over time" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase.
"the lowest position" -> "the lowest level"
Explanation: "Position" is somewhat vague in this context. "Level" more accurately describes the quantity of admissions.
"marginally greater than those in Fortsmith, that is, 200 and 185 respectively" -> "marginally greater than those in Fortsmith, specifically 200 and 185, respectively"
Explanation: "That is" is informal and can be replaced with "specifically" for clarity and formality.
"experienced a seesaw" -> "fluctuated"
Explanation: "Seesaw" is informal and metaphorical. "Fluctuated" is a more precise term that describes variations in admissions without informal connotations.
"went up erratically" -> "increased irregularly"
Explanation: "Went up erratically" is informal. "Increased irregularly" maintains the meaning while adopting a more formal tone.
"had an erratic decrease and figured 200" -> "experienced a decrease and reached 200"
Explanation: "Figured" is informal and less precise. "Reached" is more appropriate in an academic context, providing clarity.
"coincided" -> "were equal"
Explanation: "Coincided" can imply timing rather than quantity. "Were equal" clearly indicates that the number of admissions was the same.
"witnessed an incline" -> "experienced an increase"
Explanation: "Witnessed an incline" is informal. "Experienced an increase" is more precise and aligns with academic language.
"marginal increment of admissions" -> "slight increase in admissions"
Explanation: "Marginal increment" is somewhat vague and can be simplified to "slight increase," which is clearer and more direct.

These changes enhance the essay’s clarity, precision, and adherence to formal academic language, improving its overall quality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents some key features of the graph, but it does not adequately highlight all of them. For example, the essay does not mention that the number of admissions in Fortsmith and Adlin were similar in 2004, but then Adlin experienced a significant increase in admissions while Fortsmith remained relatively stable.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay could also be improved by highlighting more key features of the graph. For example, the essay could mention that the number of admissions in Oxley declined steadily over the period, while the number of admissions in Bardley increased steadily. The essay could also provide more specific details about the changes in the number of admissions for each hospital. For example, the essay could mention that the number of admissions in Bardley increased by approximately 50 patients between 2004 and 2018.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs provide a logical sequence of information regarding the hospital admissions. However, while cohesive devices are used, they sometimes appear mechanical or lack variety, which can disrupt the flow. Additionally, the referencing within the paragraphs could be clearer, particularly when discussing the trends of the hospitals. Paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that they are applied naturally. Improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., consistently using hospital names or pronouns) would help strengthen connections between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly presents a central topic and logically progresses to the next would improve overall organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in describing the data presented in the graph. The use of less common lexical items, such as "notched up," "plateaued," and "seesaw," indicates an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the hospital in Oxley witnessed a decline" which could be more precisely stated as "the hospital in Oxley experienced a decline." Additionally, there are minor inaccuracies in spelling and word formation, such as "figured 200," which could be better expressed as "recorded 200."

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more extensive range of vocabulary and greater precision in word choice. Reducing errors in spelling and word formation will also enhance clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated lexical items and ensuring that all expressions are contextually appropriate will contribute to a more natural and fluent use of language. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more complex vocabulary could further demonstrate lexical resourcefulness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the characteristics of Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer uses a variety of structures, but the errors present suggest that there is room for improvement in accuracy and control.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures with accurate use of subordinate clauses to enhance grammatical range.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical and punctuation errors, ensuring that they do not distract from the overall message.
Clarify Ideas: Ensure that all ideas are clearly expressed and that the relationships between different data points are articulated without ambiguity. This can help improve coherence and cohesion, which indirectly supports grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The number of patients admitted to hospitals located in five areas, namely Fortsmith, Adlin, Stanton, Bardley, and Oxley, in a European country from 2004 to 2018 is illustrated in the line graph.

Broadly speaking, the weekly hospital admissions in Bardley and Adlin increased as the years progressed, whereas the hospital in Oxley experienced a decline in patient numbers. The admissions in Stanton and Fortsmith remained stable throughout the period.

As shown in the line graph, although the medical center in Oxley had the highest weekly admissions in 2004, with nearly 240 patients, it faced a decline over the years, reaching the lowest point in 2018 with approximately 110 admissions. The number of patients admitted to Bardley was slightly higher than that of Fortsmith, at 200 and 185 respectively. While both hospitals experienced fluctuations during the middle part of the period, admissions in Bardley rose erratically towards the end, whereas Fortsmith saw a variable decrease, finishing at 200 in 2018.

The number of admitted patients in Adlin and Stanton was equal in 2010, with both hospitals recording nearly 125 admissions. While the hospital in Adlin experienced an upward trend from 2010 to 2018, finishing in second place with an admission count of 250, there was only a slight increase in the number of admissions at the medical center in Stanton, which reached 160 in 2018.