The graph below shows the number of time four different musical instruments were played around the world from 1980 to 2020.

The line graph illustrates the frequency with which four different musical instruments—Guitar, Snare Drum, Violin, and Piano—were played in performances globally over a period of four decades.

Overall, it can be observed from the graph that both Guitar and Snare Drum experienced an increase in usage over time, while Violin and Piano saw a decline. Additionally, it is noteworthy that Snare Drum consistently remained the least played instrument throughout the period.

taking a closer look at the chart reveals that Guitar increasde from 1980 to 2000 starting from around 4000 times to 7000 times then it reached a platuo till the end of the period in 2020.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the frequency with which four different musical instruments" -> "the frequency with which four distinct musical instruments"
Explanation: "Distinct" is a more precise term than "different," enhancing clarity and formality.
"were played in performances globally" -> "were performed in global performances"
Explanation: "Performed" is a more appropriate term in the context of musical instruments, while "global performances" maintains the intended meaning with a more formal tone.
"it can be observed from the graph that" -> "the graph indicates that"
Explanation: "Indicates" is more direct and assertive than "can be observed," which adds unnecessary vagueness.
"both Guitar and Snare Drum experienced an increase in usage over time" -> "both the Guitar and Snare Drum experienced an increase in utilization over time"
Explanation: "Utilization" is a more formal and precise term than "usage," aligning better with academic language.
"while Violin and Piano saw a decline" -> "while the Violin and Piano experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more formal than "saw," enhancing the academic tone of the writing.
"it is noteworthy that" -> "it is significant that"
Explanation: "Significant" conveys a stronger academic tone than "noteworthy," which can sound informal.
"taking a closer look at the chart reveals that" -> "a detailed examination of the chart reveals that"
Explanation: "A detailed examination" is more formal and precise than "taking a closer look," which is informal.
"increasde" -> "increased"
Explanation: This is a typographical error that needs correction for clarity and professionalism.
"starting from around 4000 times to 7000 times" -> "rising from approximately 4,000 instances to 7,000 instances"
Explanation: "Rising" is more precise than "starting from," and "approximately" is more formal than "around." Additionally, "instances" is a more academic term than "times."
"then it reached a platuo" -> "before reaching a plateau"
Explanation: "Before reaching" is clearer and more formal than "then it reached," and "plateau" is corrected for spelling.
"till the end of the period in 2020" -> "until the end of the period in 2020"
Explanation: "Until" is more formal than "till," which is often considered colloquial.

These changes enhance the overall academic tone and clarity of the essay while ensuring that the language remains precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay provides an overview of the main trends, but it does not present a clear overview of the main trends. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but the details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the Guitar increased from 1980 to 2000, but the graph shows that the Guitar increased from 1980 to 2000, then plateaued until the end of the period in 2020.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the Guitar increased from 1980 to 2000, then plateaued until the end of the period in 2020. The essay could also provide more specific details about the changes in the frequency of each instrument. For example, the essay could state that the Guitar increased from 4000 times to 7000 times between 1980 and 2000.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, providing a clear overall progression from the introduction to the overview and specific details. However, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, such as the phrase "taking a closer look at the chart," which feels somewhat formulaic. The use of cohesive devices is effective, but there are moments where referencing could be clearer, particularly when discussing the instruments. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, especially in transitioning between the general overview and specific details.

How to improve: To enhance the score, the essay could benefit from clearer referencing to the instruments throughout, avoiding vague phrases. Additionally, improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct focus would strengthen coherence. Using a wider range of cohesive devices while avoiding repetition would also contribute to a more sophisticated structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. Terms like "illustrates," "frequency," "increase," and "decline" are appropriately used, showing some awareness of the topic. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice (e.g., "increasde" instead of "increased" and "platuo" instead of "plateau") that detract from the overall clarity. While the vocabulary allows for basic communication of ideas, the errors in spelling and word formation indicate a need for improvement.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure accuracy in spelling and word formation. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures would help convey precise meanings more effectively. Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and proofreading can also aid in reducing errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. The writer successfully conveys the main trends observed in the graph, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation. For example, "increasde" is a spelling error, and "platuo" is another typographical mistake. While these errors do not severely impede communication, they indicate a lack of control over grammatical accuracy. Overall, the essay contains some effective complex structures, but the presence of errors suggests that the writer has not fully mastered the grammatical range required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading to eliminate spelling and typographical errors. Additionally, practicing the use of more varied sentence structures and ensuring that complex sentences are constructed accurately will help improve overall grammatical control. Engaging in exercises that target specific grammatical rules could also be beneficial in reducing errors and increasing confidence in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the frequency with which four different musical instruments—Guitar, Snare Drum, Violin, and Piano—were played in performances globally over a period of four decades.

Overall, it can be observed from the graph that both the Guitar and Snare Drum experienced an increase in usage over time, while the Violin and Piano saw a decline. Additionally, it is noteworthy that the Snare Drum consistently remained the least played instrument throughout the period.

Taking a closer look at the chart reveals that the Guitar increased from 1980 to 2000, starting from around 4,000 times to 7,000 times, before reaching a plateau until the end of the period in 2020.