The graph below shows the percentage of Australian exports to 4 countries from 1990 to 2012

The chart illustrates how many Australian people went abroad: Japan, China, India, US between 1990 and 2012.

Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of people who exported to China and India, while; a decline was seen in the figure for Japan and The US. In addition, the share of people going to China generally had the most dramatic change throughout the period.

Between 1990 and 2010, the percentage of Australian going to China rose significantly from 3% to around 25%. During the same period, although exportation also rose, to about 7%, India had the fewest exporters from Australia. Whereas there was a small drop of approximately 6% in the rate of exportation to the US, likewise; the figure for Japan also decreased from roughly 26% to 17%.

By 2012, the proportion of China exported by Australian had increased to around 28%, but the exportation of India decreased slightly after 2010, by 2%. Besides, the figures for the US had a moderate growth to 7% in 2012. In contrast, there was a stability in the trends for percent of exportation to Japan during 2 years

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Australian people" -> "Australian nationals"
Explanation: Using "Australian nationals" instead of "Australian people" adds formality and specificity to the description, as it refers to individuals who are citizens or residents of Australia.
"exported to" -> "traveled to"
Explanation: "Exported to" is typically used in the context of goods being sent to another country, while "traveled to" is more appropriate when referring to people going abroad. This change maintains clarity and accuracy in the context of the essay.
"while;" -> "while,"
Explanation: The semicolon should be replaced with a comma to correct the punctuation error. A semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses, but in this case, the clause after "while" is dependent.
"generally had the most dramatic change" -> "experienced the most dramatic change"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more precise and active verb choice compared to "had" in this context. It conveys the idea of undergoing change more effectively.
"Australian going to China" -> "Australians traveling to China"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "Australians traveling to China" improves clarity and fluency, as it directly specifies the subject and action.
"exportation" -> "exporting"
Explanation: "Exportation" is less commonly used in contemporary English compared to "exporting" when referring to the act of sending goods or people to another country. Using "exporting" maintains a more natural tone.
"fewest exporters" -> "lowest number of exports"
Explanation: "Fewest exporters" implies the number of individuals or companies involved in exporting, while "lowest number of exports" refers to the quantity of goods or people exported. Choosing the latter provides a clearer expression of the idea.
"likewise;" -> "similarly,"
Explanation: "Likewise" is used to indicate agreement or similarity between two statements, but in this context, "similarly" better connects the ideas of the previous sentence with the following one.
"figure for Japan" -> "percentage for Japan"
Explanation: "Figure" typically refers to a numerical value, while "percentage" specifies the type of value being discussed more accurately in this context.
"exported by Australian" -> "exported by Australians"
Explanation: "Australian" should be pluralized to "Australians" to correctly indicate that it is the people of Australia who are exporting, not a singular entity.
"exportation of India" -> "exports to India"
Explanation: "Exportation of India" does not convey the intended meaning; "exports to India" clarifies that it refers to the movement of people or goods from Australia to India.
"figures for the US" -> "percentages for the US"
Explanation: Using "percentages" instead of "figures" specifies that the data being discussed pertains to percentages rather than numerical values in general.
"moderate growth" -> "modest growth"
Explanation: "Modest growth" is a more precise term to describe a moderate or slight increase in comparison to "moderate growth," which can be interpreted as somewhat vague.
"there was a stability in the trends" -> "the trend remained stable"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "the trend remained stable" enhances clarity and conciseness, providing a more direct expression of the idea.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in Australian exports to four countries over the specified period. It highlights key features such as the increase in exports to China and India and the decline in exports to Japan and the US. The essay also presents some specific data points to support the description. However, there are instances of inaccuracies and inappropriate details, such as referring to "Australian people" instead of "exports" and inconsistencies in the presentation of data.
How to improve: To improve, ensure accurate terminology is used throughout the essay. Provide a clearer and more consistent presentation of data, avoiding inaccuracies and irrelevant details. Additionally, strive for a more coherent structure and language to enhance clarity and readability.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas related to the given chart, but there are several issues with coherence and cohesion. While there are some cohesive devices used, their application is often inaccurate or repetitive. The essay also contains misinterpretations of the data, leading to confusion about what is being described. There are grammatical errors and phrasing issues that impact the logical flow, making the overall progression unclear.

The use of paragraphing is inconsistent, with unclear separation between different topics or trends. This results in a lack of clarity and logical structure in the essay, contributing to the lower band score.

How to improve:

Clarify the Information: Ensure that the data from the chart is correctly interpreted and described in the essay. Double-check the figures and trends to avoid confusion or incorrect information.
Improve Paragraphing: Use paragraphs to clearly separate different topics or trends. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the chart, providing a clear central topic.
Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to connect sentences and ideas smoothly. However, avoid overusing or misusing them. Consider using transitions to guide the reader through the essay logically.
Revise for Errors: Proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. This will help to improve clarity and coherence in the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with some inaccuracies and repetitions. While there is an attempt to convey the information, the vocabulary choices are basic and repetitive. Some errors in word choice and word formation are noticeable, which may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the text.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should work on expanding their vocabulary and using a wider range of lexical items. They should aim to vary their word choice and avoid repeating the same terms excessively. Additionally, paying closer attention to word formation and ensuring accuracy in spelling would enhance clarity and communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is a variety of sentence structures used, but they are not always accurate, leading to grammatical errors throughout the essay. The essay also makes some errors in punctuation, which can affect readability. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("there was an increase in the proportion of people who exported to China and India, while; a decline was seen in the figure for Japan and The US") and sentence structure ("Between 1990 and 2010, the percentage of Australian going to China rose significantly from 3% to around 25%"). These errors reduce the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve:

Work on sentence structure and clarity to avoid run-on sentences or awkward phrasing.
Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency throughout the essay.
Proofread carefully to catch punctuation errors and improve overall accuracy.
Use a wider range of sentence structures to demonstrate more flexibility and control in writing.

By focusing on these areas, the essay can improve its grammatical range and accuracy, potentially reaching a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided graph delineates the percentage of Australian exports to four countries—Japan, China, India, and the US—from the years 1990 to 2012.

In general, there was an upward trend in the proportion of exports to China and India, whereas a downward trend was observed in exports to Japan and the US. Notably, the share of exports to China underwent the most significant change throughout the period.

Between 1990 and 2010, the percentage of Australian exports to China experienced a substantial surge from 3% to approximately 25%. During the same timeframe, although there was a rise in exports, reaching around 7%, India had the lowest number of Australian exporters. Conversely, there was a slight decrease of about 6% in the export rate to the US, and similarly, the figure for Japan declined from roughly 26% to 17%.

By 2012, the proportion of Australian exports to China had further increased to around 28%, while exports to India experienced a slight decline of 2% after 2010. Additionally, the figures for exports to the US showed moderate growth, reaching 7% in 2012. In contrast, there was stability in the trends regarding exports to Japan over the two years.