The graph below shows the percentage of Australian exports to four countries from 1990 to 2012. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The depiction presented the proportion of Australian products exported to four nations from 1990 to 2012. Overall, there were descending patterns in the percentage of Australian exports to Japan and the US, while those in Chinese and Indian markets had increased after 22 years.
Although Japan and the US imported a higher percentage of Australian products in the first year, they both then declined afterwards. Japan had the largest rates of Australian exports in 1990 (25%); however, it observed a significant decrease of nearly 10% in 16 years. Afterwards, this rates remained stable until 2012 despite a slight fluctuation of 5% in 2007. The US witnessed the same trend as Japan in the investigated period. The proportion of Australian exports to the US in 1990 was about 11%, which then dramatically dropped to approximately 5% after 22 years.
The rates of products from Australia exported to two other markets were lower in 1990; nevertheless, they both had accelerated after 22 years. India and China saw ascending patterns of about 5% and 10%, respectively in the first 17 years. The percentage in Indian market then reached the peak in 2007, but had decreased in the last period. In contrast, China still had a whopping escalation until 2012, surpassing the rates of Australian products exported to other countries.

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Errors and Improvements:

"depiction presented" -> "depiction illustrated"
Explanation: "Presented" is a common verb choice, but "illustrated" is more precise in the context of describing a visual representation or graph.
"descending patterns" -> "declining trends"
Explanation: "Descending patterns" is less precise compared to "declining trends," which better describes the consistent decrease in the percentage of exports.
"those in Chinese and Indian markets had increased" -> "those in the Chinese and Indian markets had increased"
Explanation: Adding definite articles "the" before "Chinese" and "Indian" clarifies that specific markets are being referred to, enhancing the sentence’s precision.
"rates" -> "proportions"
Explanation: While "rates" is not incorrect, "proportions" is a more formal and specific term for describing percentages in the context of exports.
"it observed a significant decrease" -> "it experienced a significant decrease"
Explanation: "Observed" is a passive verb choice. "Experienced" is more active and appropriate in describing the change in export rates.
"this rates remained stable" -> "these rates remained stable"
Explanation: "This" is singular, while "rates" is plural, so "these" should be used for agreement.
"witnessed the same trend as Japan" -> "followed a similar trend to Japan"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is a bit informal. "Followed a similar trend to Japan" maintains formality and clarity.
"whopping escalation" -> "significant increase"
Explanation: "Whopping" is colloquial. "Significant increase" maintains formality and clarity in describing the growth in export rates to China.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in Australian exports to four countries over the specified period. The trends of descending exports to Japan and the US, and ascending exports to China and India, are well highlighted and compared. The key features, such as initial percentages, trends over time, and final percentages, are clearly presented and supported by the data provided in the graph.

How to improve:
To improve to a higher band score, consider providing more detailed and comprehensive analysis of the data, such as discussing possible reasons for the observed trends or exploring any notable fluctuations in the export percentages. Additionally, ensure that the language used is more varied and precise, avoiding repetition and enhancing the coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information and ideas, with clear progression throughout. It effectively uses cohesive devices such as transition words ("Overall," "Although," "However," "In contrast") to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, focusing on the trends of Australian exports to different countries over the specified time period. The sequencing of information is logical, starting with an overview and then discussing each country’s export trends separately.

The essay also uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence. For instance, phrases like "although," "however," and "in contrast" help to show relationships between ideas and comparisons between different countries. Additionally, the use of numerical data and specific years helps to provide clarity and structure to the essay.

Paragraphing is sufficient and appropriate, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the data and presenting it in a cohesive manner. The essay effectively manages paragraphing to enhance coherence and cohesion.

How to improve:
To further improve coherence and cohesion, ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structure to ensure cohesion within and between sentences, avoiding any instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion. Finally, consider refining paragraphing to ensure that each paragraph presents a cohesive and logically organized argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey ideas effectively, with some flexibility and precision. The writer employs a variety of vocabulary to describe trends and comparisons in the data, such as "descending patterns," "witnessed the same trend," and "ascending patterns." There is also evidence of attempts to use less common vocabulary, as seen in phrases like "whopping escalation." Additionally, the essay shows awareness of style and collocation, evident in phrases like "proportion of Australian exports" and "rates of products from Australia exported." While there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, they do not significantly detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve lexical resource further, the writer could aim for more consistent and precise word choice throughout the essay. Proofreading for minor errors in word formation and collocation would also enhance the overall sophistication of vocabulary usage. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of less common lexical items could elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation, with a variety of complex structures used effectively throughout the text. There is a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, contributing to overall clarity and coherence. The majority of sentences are error-free, enhancing the readability of the essay.

How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range and accuracy, strive for even greater precision in language use. Pay attention to article usage (e.g., "the depiction presented" could be revised to "The graph presents"), and ensure consistent tense usage throughout the essay. Additionally, aim for more sophisticated vocabulary choices to elevate the overall quality of expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided graph illustrates the distribution of Australian exports to four distinct countries spanning the years 1990 to 2012. Overall, discernible trends reveal a decline in export percentages to Japan and the United States, juxtaposed against an upward trajectory in exports to China and India over the 22-year period.

Initially, both Japan and the United States registered as principal importers of Australian goods, with Japan leading in 1990 at 25% of total exports. However, both countries experienced a consistent decline thereafter. Japan’s export share dwindled by nearly 10% over 16 years, stabilizing thereafter despite minor fluctuations. Similarly, the United States’ share decreased from approximately 11% in 1990 to merely 5% by 2012.

Conversely, exports to China and India commenced at lower proportions in 1990 but exhibited notable growth over the same period. Both countries experienced steady ascents, with China’s export share increasing by approximately 10% and India’s by around 5% over the initial 17 years. India reached its peak in 2007 before experiencing a slight downturn, while China continued its significant ascent, surpassing export rates to other destinations by 2012.