The graph below shows the percentage of the Australian workforce in five industries between 1962 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The provided line graph delineates the comparison of the percentage of Australian workforce in five different industries from 1962 to 2012.
Overall, it is evident that the proportion of people working in services was consistently by far the highest while the figure for mining remained its lowest position during the surveyed years. In addition, the number of services employees experienced an increasing trend whereas the opposite was observed in the percentages of people engaging in manufacturing and agriculture workforce. The figures for three other remaining sectors nearly stabilized during the examined period.
Looking first at services, manufacturing and agricultural workforce, the number of services workers, commencing at slightly over 50% in 1962, significantly increased to nearly 80% in 2012 and remained its leading position during 40 examined years. Conversely, the proportion of manufacturing workers initially was just over one-fourth of the total workforce, remained fairly unchanged until 1972 then decreased to only 10%, was the same level of the construction participation ratio. The similar trend was also recorded in the figure for agriculture with the figure dropped from over 10% to only a half at the end of the period.
Regarding the other sectors with the lower engagement percentage, the proportions of construction and mining both remained fairly static. As for the construction, the sector attracted roughly 9% of total labor workforce in 1962, experiencing a period of going up and down and reaching just over 10% in 2012. Meanwhile, the mining labor workforce exhibited its lowest figure consistently, hovering between 2% and 4% from 1962 to 2012.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"delineates" -> "illustrates"
Explanation: "Delineates" is less commonly used and might seem overly formal in this context. "Illustrates" is a more commonly used term to describe the depiction of data in a graph or chart.
"proportion" -> "proportions"
Explanation: "Proportion" should be in its plural form to match the plural subject "people."
"remained its lowest position" -> "remained consistently the lowest"
Explanation: "Remained consistently the lowest" provides a clearer and more direct expression of the idea that the mining industry consistently had the lowest percentage of workers.
"experienced an increasing trend" -> "experienced an upward trend"
Explanation: "Experienced an upward trend" is a concise and more sophisticated way to describe a trend of increase.
"engaging in manufacturing and agriculture workforce" -> "engaging in manufacturing and agriculture industries"
Explanation: The phrase "engaging in manufacturing and agriculture industries" is more precise and grammatically correct than "engaging in manufacturing and agriculture workforce."
"nearly stabilized" -> "stabilized"
Explanation: "Nearly" is redundant in this context as "stabilized" already conveys the idea of being close to stability.
"commencing at slightly over" -> "starting at just over"
Explanation: "Starting at just over" is a more concise and clear way to express the beginning point of the percentage.
"was the same level of the construction participation ratio" -> "was equivalent to the participation ratio in construction"
Explanation: The phrase "was equivalent to the participation ratio in construction" provides a clearer comparison between the proportion of manufacturing workers and the participation ratio in construction.
"was also recorded in the figure" -> "was also observed in the data"
Explanation: "Observed in the data" is a more appropriate phrase to refer to the trend recorded in the graph.
"the sector attracted roughly" -> "the sector accounted for roughly"
Explanation: "Accounted for" is a more precise verb to describe the proportion of the labor workforce in a particular sector.
"experiencing a period of going up and down" -> "experiencing fluctuations"
Explanation: "Experiencing fluctuations" is a more concise and sophisticated way to describe the variation in the proportion of construction workers over time.
"hovering between" -> "fluctuating between"
Explanation: "Fluctuating between" provides a clearer description of the varying percentages of the mining labor workforce over time.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features and making relevant comparisons between the percentages of the Australian workforce in five industries from 1962 to 2012. It presents a clear overview of the main trends and differences in workforce percentages over the specified period. The key features of each industry’s workforce percentages are clearly presented and highlighted, such as the consistent dominance of the services sector, the declining trend in manufacturing and agriculture, and the relatively stable percentages in construction and mining.
How to improve: To improve to a higher band score, the essay could extend its discussion of key features by providing more detailed analysis of the trends observed, such as discussing possible reasons for the changes in workforce percentages or examining any significant fluctuations in certain years. Additionally, ensuring that all comparisons are explicitly stated and supported by the data presented in the graph would strengthen the essay’s clarity and coherence.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes the information by discussing each industry separately and comparing their trends over time. There is a clear progression from one paragraph to the next, starting with an overall summary and then delving into specific industries. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to connect ideas within and between sentences. Paragraphing is sufficiently managed, with each paragraph focusing on a central topic related to the workforce percentages in different industries.

How to improve:
To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider improving the transitions between paragraphs to ensure smoother flow and clarity of progression. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to strengthen the connection between ideas. Finally, pay attention to paragraphing to ensure that each paragraph contains a clear central topic and that the overall structure of the essay enhances readability and comprehension.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with varied expressions used throughout. The candidate appropriately uses industry-specific terminology such as "services," "manufacturing," "agriculture," "construction," and "mining." Additionally, there is evidence of attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportion," "commencing," "engaging," and "participation ratio." The essay shows awareness of style and collocation by using phrases like "experienced an increasing trend" and "remained fairly unchanged." However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "experienced a period of going up and down," which could be improved for smoother coherence.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, focus on refining word choice and collocation to eliminate occasional errors. Ensure that less common vocabulary is used accurately and seamlessly within the context of the essay. Additionally, strive for greater precision and fluency in conveying meanings to elevate the lexical sophistication of the response.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including both simple and complex forms. There is a clear attempt to use complex sentences and some are executed successfully, contributing to coherence and cohesion. The majority of sentences are error-free, and there is generally good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly affect clarity and precision.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, focus on refining complex sentence structures to ensure accuracy and clarity. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and word choice to minimize errors and improve overall fluency. Additionally, proofreading for awkward phrasings can help enhance the readability and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates the percentage distribution of the Australian workforce across five distinct industries spanning the years 1962 to 2012.

Overall, it is apparent that the service sector consistently boasted the highest proportion of employees, while the mining industry consistently held the lowest share throughout the observed period. Additionally, the service sector experienced a notable upward trend, whereas manufacturing and agriculture witnessed declines in workforce participation. The remaining sectors demonstrated relatively stable figures over the examined timeframe.

Focusing on the service, manufacturing, and agricultural sectors, the service industry saw a significant surge in its workforce, starting at just above 50% in 1962 and steadily climbing to nearly 80% by 2012, maintaining its dominance over the 40-year span. Conversely, the manufacturing sector, initially comprising slightly over one-fourth of the total workforce, remained relatively stagnant until 1972 before declining to a mere 10%, mirroring the participation rate in construction. A similar trajectory was observed in the agriculture sector, where participation dropped from over 10% to approximately half by the end of the period.

Regarding the sectors with lower workforce engagement, both construction and mining displayed relatively stable percentages. Construction attracted roughly 9% of the total labor force in 1962, experiencing fluctuations before reaching just over 10% by 2012. Conversely, the mining industry consistently maintained its lowest position, fluctuating between 2% and 4% from 1962 to 2012.