the graph below shows the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011

The line chart illustrats the changing trends in the percentage of labours in three different aspects in South Korea from 1981 to 2011.
Overall, it can be seen that both workers in agriculture and industry showed downward trends, while that in services increased significantly over the time period.
From the start, workers in agriculture was higher than that in industry by around 5 percent. However, as time progressed, the proportion in agriculture started to decrease noticably, and by 1985, the number of workers industry surpassed agriculture and stayed as the second highest till the end.
The proportion in industry rised slowly at the start. However, in 1991, it started to show a long and slow delince. Parallel with agriculture, two figues showed a most the same drop from 1991 to 2006. And just after this period, agriculture even showed more noticable dercease.
The biggest difference was seen in the proportion in services. Unlike the other two lines, services’s labour remain as the highest through out the period. After 1991, while industry and agriculture shared a similar plumet, the number of workers in services grew even more, from arond us to over 60 percent. And by the end of the time this figure peaked at almost 70 percent.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"illustrats" -> "illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrats" is a typographical error; the correct spelling is "illustrates," which is necessary for clarity and professionalism.
"labours" -> "labor force"
Explanation: "Labours" is an informal and vague term. "Labor force" is a more precise and formal term that accurately describes the group of workers being discussed.
"that in services" -> "the labor force in services"
Explanation: The phrase "that in services" is vague. Specifying "the labor force in services" clarifies the subject and maintains formal language.
"over the time period" -> "over the specified time period"
Explanation: Adding "specified" enhances clarity by indicating that the time period has been defined earlier in the text.
"was higher than that in industry" -> "was higher than that of industry"
Explanation: "That of industry" is a more formal and precise way to express the comparison between agriculture and industry.
"noticably" -> "noticeably"
Explanation: "Noticably" is a misspelling; the correct spelling is "noticeably," which is necessary for professionalism.
"the number of workers industry" -> "the number of workers in industry"
Explanation: The preposition "in" is missing, making the phrase grammatically incorrect. Including it clarifies the relationship between workers and industry.
"rised" -> "rose"
Explanation: "Rised" is incorrect; the past tense of "rise" is "rose." Using the correct form is essential for grammatical accuracy.
"delince" -> "decline"
Explanation: "Delince" is a typographical error; the correct term is "decline," which accurately describes the decrease in workers.
"figues" -> "figures"
Explanation: "Figues" is a misspelling; the correct term is "figures," which is necessary for clarity and professionalism.
"a most the same drop" -> "a similar drop"
Explanation: "A most the same drop" is awkward and unclear. "A similar drop" is more concise and accurately conveys the intended meaning.
"noticable dercease" -> "noticeable decrease"
Explanation: "Noticable dercease" contains a misspelling; the correct phrase is "noticeable decrease," which is necessary for clarity and professionalism.
"services’s labour" -> "the labor force in services"
Explanation: "Services’s labour" is awkward and informal. "The labor force in services" is a more precise and formal expression.
"through out the period" -> "throughout the period"
Explanation: "Through out" should be one word, "throughout," which is the correct form.
"plumet" -> "plummet"
Explanation: "Plumet" is a misspelling; the correct term is "plummet," which accurately describes a significant drop.
"arond us" -> "around us"
Explanation: "Arond us" is a typographical error; the correct phrase is "around us," which is necessary for clarity.
"the end of the time" -> "the end of the period"
Explanation: "The end of the time" is vague. "The end of the period" is more precise and aligns with the context of the discussion.
"this figure peaked at almost 70 percent" -> "this figure peaked at nearly 70 percent"
Explanation: "Nearly" is a more formal alternative to "almost," which enhances the academic tone of the writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the specific percentage figures for the different sectors in 1981.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the key features of the graph and presenting the information in a more organized and logical way. The essay could also be made more concise by removing irrelevant details. For example, instead of stating that "the proportion in industry rised slowly at the start," the essay could simply say that "industry showed a slow increase at the start."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are notable issues with overall progression and clarity. While it attempts to describe trends in the data, the lack of clear referencing and substitution leads to repetition and confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the coherence of the response. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument consistently.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas by using appropriate linking words and phrases. Clearer referencing and substitution of terms would help to avoid repetition and clarify relationships between different pieces of information. Additionally, organizing the essay into well-defined paragraphs that each focus on a single main idea would improve clarity and progression. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and spelling would also contribute to a more polished and coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the trends in the graph, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with several noticeable errors in spelling and word formation (e.g., "illustrats," "labours," "noticably," "rised," "delince," "figues," "dercease," "services’s," "through out," "plumet," "arond us"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message. Additionally, there is a lack of more sophisticated lexical items that would enhance the clarity and precision of the descriptions.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating a wider range of terms related to the topic. This includes using synonyms and more precise language to convey trends and comparisons. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and word formation errors would enhance clarity. Practicing the use of less common vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations will also contribute to a higher score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they are often inaccurate or poorly constructed, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like "the number of workers industry surpassed agriculture" lack necessary prepositions, and there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "workers in agriculture was higher." Additionally, punctuation errors and misspellings (e.g., "noticably," "delince," "figues") can cause confusion for the reader. Overall, while the essay communicates the main ideas, the grammatical inaccuracies and limited range hinder clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentences and ensure correct use of conjunctions and clauses.
Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement and proper use of articles and prepositions.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to improve clarity and readability.
Vocabulary Development: Use more precise vocabulary to convey ideas effectively and avoid repetition.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart illustrates the changing trends in the percentage of workers in three different sectors in South Korea from 1981 to 2011. Overall, it can be seen that both workers in agriculture and industry showed downward trends, while those in services increased significantly over the time period.

At the beginning, the proportion of workers in agriculture was higher than that in industry by around 5 percent. However, as time progressed, the percentage of workers in agriculture started to decrease noticeably, and by 1985, the number of workers in industry surpassed that in agriculture, remaining the second highest until the end of the period.

The proportion of workers in industry rose slowly at the start. However, in 1991, it began to show a long and slow decline. In parallel with agriculture, the two figures exhibited a similar drop from 1991 to 2006. Just after this period, agriculture experienced an even more noticeable decrease.

The most significant difference was seen in the proportion of workers in services. Unlike the other two sectors, the labor force in services remained the highest throughout the period. After 1991, while industry and agriculture shared a similar plummet, the number of workers in services grew even more, from around 30% to over 60%. By the end of the period, this figure peaked at almost 70%.