The graph below shows the unemployment rates in the US and Japan between March 1993 and March 1999.

The graph below shows the unemployment rates in the US and Japan between March 1993 and March 1999.

The graph given illustrates the unemployment rate in the US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999.
Overall, the unemployment indexes in the US experienced a downward trend while Japan witnessed an upward tendency.
In 1993, the figure for Japan was the lowest at 2.3% whereas the percentage for the US was the highest at 7.0%. Next, the ratio in the US moderately dropped by 5.4% in 1995, after that prevailing consistency until 1996. In contrast, the statistics for Japan gradually increased to 3.5% which slightly fell to 3.2% then rebounded to 3.5% in 1996.
Subsequently, the rate of Japan remained intact at 3.5% between 1996 and 1998 prior to a 0.5% increase in late 1998 whilst that of the US oscillated and decreased to 4.4% in the same period. Thenceforth, the data for Japan surpassed the share of the US with 4.5% reaching a peak of 4.7% in the last year. Meanwhile, the proportion of the US hit the lowest point at 4.2%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The graph given" -> "The graph provided"
   Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and precise than "given," which is somewhat casual and vague in an academic context.

2. "unemployment indexes" -> "unemployment rates"
   Explanation: "Rates" is the correct term for measuring unemployment, whereas "indexes" is typically used for financial or economic indicators.

3. "witnessed an upward tendency" -> "experienced an upward trend"
   Explanation: "Trend" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe changes over time, and "experienced" is more appropriate than "witnessed" in this context.

4. "the lowest at 2.3%" -> "the lowest point of 2.3%"
   Explanation: Adding "point of" clarifies that the 2.3% refers to the lowest value on the graph, enhancing precision.

5. "the percentage for the US was the highest at 7.0%" -> "the highest percentage in the US was 7.0%"
   Explanation: Reordering the phrase improves clarity and flow, making it more direct and formal.

6. "moderately dropped by 5.4%" -> "decreased by 5.4%"
   Explanation: "Decreased" is a more precise and formal term than "dropped," which can be seen as colloquial.

7. "prevailing consistency" -> "consistent pattern"
   Explanation: "Consistent pattern" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "prevailing consistency," which is vague and less commonly used in formal writing.

8. "gradually increased to 3.5%" -> "increased to 3.5%"
   Explanation: Removing "gradually" simplifies the sentence without losing meaning, as "increased" already implies gradual change.

9. "slightly fell to 3.2%" -> "decreased to 3.2%"
   Explanation: "Decreased" is more precise and formal than "fell," which can be seen as informal.

10. "rebounded to 3.5%" -> "recovered to 3.5%"
    Explanation: "Recovered" is more specific and appropriate in this context, indicating a return to a previous level after a decline.

11. "remained intact at 3.5%" -> "remained constant at 3.5%"
    Explanation: "Constant" is more precise and formal than "intact," which is less commonly used in this context.

12. "oscillated and decreased to 4.4%" -> "fluctuated and decreased to 4.4%"
    Explanation: "Fluctuated" is more specific and commonly used in academic writing to describe changes in data over time.

13. "hit the lowest point at 4.2%" -> "reached its lowest point of 4.2%"
    Explanation: "Reached its lowest point" is more formal and precise than "hit the lowest point," which is somewhat colloquial.

14. "surpassed the share of the US" -> "exceeded the rate of the US"
    Explanation: "Exceeded the rate" is more accurate and formal than "surpassed the share," which is awkward and unclear in this context.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately describes the trends in unemployment rates in the US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999. It covers the overall trends and specific data points for both countries.
  • How to improve: To improve, ensure every aspect of the graph is addressed, such as comparisons between peaks and troughs, and any significant changes or patterns.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, which is to describe the trends shown in the graph without deviating into unrelated topics.
  • How to improve: Ensure the position remains focused and explicit, particularly when interpreting the data or drawing conclusions.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the trends in unemployment rates effectively, providing specific years and percentages to support the discussion.
  • How to improve: To extend ideas, consider discussing possible reasons behind the trends observed or predicting future trends based on the data presented.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the unemployment rates in the US and Japan over the specified time period.
  • How to improve: To enhance relevance, ensure all details discussed directly relate to the trends shown in the graph, avoiding unnecessary information.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the main trends in unemployment rates in the US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999, there are areas where more thorough analysis and focus could enhance the response. Specifically, ensuring all aspects of the graph are covered and providing deeper insights into the reasons behind the trends or implications for the future would strengthen the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information chronologically, detailing the unemployment rates in the US and Japan from 1993 to 1999. It begins with an overview statement and proceeds to compare the trends over the years, which helps in understanding the progression of data.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring the essay more clearly by dividing it into introduction, body paragraphs discussing specific years or periods (e.g., 1993-1995, 1996-1998), and a conclusion summarizing the trends observed. This will provide a clearer roadmap for the reader and make the essay more cohesive.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different time periods and trends. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to improve coherence. Each paragraph addresses a specific timeframe or change in unemployment rates, which is effective in organizing the data.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates to the overall trend being discussed (e.g., trends in the US and Japan during 1993-1995), followed by supporting details and examples from the graph. This will strengthen the structural coherence and make the essay easier to follow.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices such as ‘next’, ‘in contrast’, ‘meanwhile’, ‘thenceforth’, which help in linking ideas and showing relationships between different parts of the essay. These devices contribute to coherence by guiding the reader through the chronological progression of data.
  • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used to include more diverse linking words and phrases (e.g., moreover, however, consequently, nevertheless) to vary sentence structures and improve fluency. This will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a chronological overview of unemployment rates in the US and Japan, improving the clarity of organization, paragraph transitions, and diversifying cohesive devices would further elevate coherence and cohesion to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary with terms such as "unemployment indexes," "upward tendency," "prevailing consistency," "oscillated," and "proportion." These contribute to a generally clear description of the data.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource further, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and phrases for repetitive terms such as "rate" and "percentage." For instance, instead of repeatedly using "rate," synonyms like "level," "figure," or "index" could be utilized.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of precise vocabulary usage, such as "moderately dropped," "gradually increased," and "surpassed." These terms accurately describe changes and comparisons in the data.
  • How to improve: Pay attention to the precision of terms like "intact" and "rebounded." While they convey meaning, ensuring they precisely match the context of unemployment data fluctuations can strengthen the essay’s clarity and accuracy.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no major errors detracting from readability or understanding.
  • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading for minor errors in words like "indexes" (indices) and "prevailing." Developing a habit of reviewing essays for spelling consistency and correctness can help maintain a professional presentation.

Overall, the essay effectively communicates trends in unemployment rates between the US and Japan from 1993 to 1999. Strengthening lexical variety and precision, along with maintaining consistent spelling accuracy, will contribute to further improvement in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. It effectively utilizes simple, compound, and complex sentences to convey information about the unemployment rates in the US and Japan. For instance, simple sentences like "Overall, the unemployment indexes in the US experienced a downward trend while Japan witnessed an upward tendency" are balanced with more complex structures such as "Subsequently, the rate of Japan remained intact at 3.5% between 1996 and 1998 prior to a 0.5% increase in late 1998 whilst that of the US oscillated and decreased to 4.4% in the same period."
  • How to improve: To further enhance sentence variety and effectiveness, consider integrating more rhetorical devices (e.g., parallelism, inversion) where appropriate. Additionally, ensure that complex sentences maintain clarity and coherence by carefully structuring clauses and using appropriate conjunctions.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally strong grammatical accuracy with minor errors. For example, "the unemployment indexes" should be "unemployment indices," and "oscillated and decreased" might benefit from rephrasing for clarity. Punctuation is mostly correct, although there are occasional inconsistencies with commas and conjunctions.
  • How to improve: Focus on consistency in punctuation, especially in complex sentences, to avoid confusion. Review the use of conjunctions (e.g., "whilst") to ensure they enhance rather than distract from sentence clarity. Proofreading for small grammatical errors like subject-verb agreement and article usage will further refine accuracy.

Overall, the essay effectively communicates the trends in unemployment rates, supported by a varied use of sentence structures and mostly accurate grammar and punctuation. Continued attention to sentence clarity and grammatical precision will support further improvement towards higher band scores.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph provided illustrates the unemployment rates in the US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999. Overall, the unemployment rates in the US experienced a decrease, whereas Japan saw an increase.

In 1993, Japan had the lowest unemployment rate at 2.3%, while the US had the highest at 7.0%. Following this, the US rate decreased by 5.4% in 1995 and remained stable until 1996. In contrast, Japan’s unemployment rate gradually rose to 3.5%, briefly dropping to 3.2% before returning to 3.5% in 1996.

From 1996 to 1998, Japan’s unemployment rate held steady at 3.5%, then rose by 0.5% in late 1998. During the same period, the US rate fluctuated and decreased to 4.4%. Subsequently, Japan’s rate exceeded that of the US, peaking at 4.7% in the final year, while the US reached its lowest point at 4.2%.