the graph below shows yearly savings of two employees in a superstore from 2011 to 2017

The line graph illustrates the yearly savings of two employees, Russell and Jennie, in a superstore over a period from 2011 to 2017.

Overall, it is evident that Russell’s savings decreased initially but later experienced a significant increase, while Jennie’s savings showed a steady upward trend throughout the period.

In 2011, Russell’s savings were at the highest point, starting at around $4,000. However, this figure declined sharply over the next few years, reaching approximately $2,000 by 2014. From 2015 onwards, Russell’s savings began to recover, rising steadily and reaching around $4,500 in 2017, which marks the highest amount saved by either employee during the period.

On the other hand, Jennie’s savings started lower at around $1,000 in 2011. Unlike Russell’s savings, Jennie’s savings grew gradually each year. By 2014, her savings reached just over $2,000, surpassing Russell’s for the first time. Jennie continued to increase her savings, ending at around $3,500 in 2017.

In summary, while Russell experienced fluctuations with a notable decline followed by a recovery, Jennie’s savings steadily increased, ending just below Russell’s by the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in academic contexts, enhancing the academic tone of the introduction.
"yearly savings" -> "annual savings"
Explanation: "Annual" is a more formal and precise term than "yearly" in academic writing, aligning better with the formal style of the essay.
"superstore" -> "retail store"
Explanation: "Retail store" is a more specific and formal term than "superstore," which can be vague and colloquial.
"it is evident that" -> "it is clear that"
Explanation: "It is clear that" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase than "it is evident that," which can sound slightly informal.
"started at around" -> "began at approximately"
Explanation: "Begun at approximately" is more formal and precise, suitable for academic writing.
"starting at around" -> "beginning at approximately"
Explanation: Similar to the previous suggestion, "beginning at approximately" is more formal and precise.
"declined sharply" -> "dropped significantly"
Explanation: "Dropped significantly" is a more precise and formal way to describe a sudden decrease in savings.
"rose steadily" -> "increased steadily"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal synonym for "rose," fitting better in an academic context.
"marks the highest amount saved" -> "represents the highest amount saved"
Explanation: "Represents" is a more formal verb than "marks," enhancing the academic tone of the statement.
"surpassed" -> "exceeded"
Explanation: "Exceeded" is a more formal term than "surpassed," which is slightly more conversational.
"ending at around" -> "ending at approximately"
Explanation: Consistency in formality is maintained by using "approximately" instead of "around" to maintain a formal tone.
"ending just below" -> "ending slightly below"
Explanation: "Slightly" is a more precise adverb than "just," which can be seen as informal in academic writing.

These changes refine the vocabulary to better suit an academic style, ensuring precision and formality throughout the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay provides a basic overview of the graph, mentioning the yearly savings of both employees, Russell and Jennie, from 2011 to 2017. However, it lacks a comprehensive analysis of the data presented in the graph. For instance, while the essay notes the starting and ending savings for both individuals, it does not delve into the specific yearly changes or trends in detail. The response could benefit from more precise data points and comparisons to fully address the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should include more detailed descriptions of the yearly changes in savings for both employees. This could involve mentioning specific years where significant changes occurred and providing numerical data to support these observations. Including a more thorough analysis of trends, such as the rate of increase or decrease, would also strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a neutral tone and presents the information clearly, but it lacks a strong, overarching position or argument regarding the significance of the data. While the writer summarizes the trends for both employees, there is no clear interpretation or insight into what these trends might imply about the employees’ financial behaviors or the context of their savings.
- How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer could include a concluding statement that reflects on the implications of the savings trends. For instance, discussing why one employee’s savings increased while the other’s fluctuated could provide depth. Additionally, incorporating a brief analysis of potential factors influencing these trends would help solidify the essay’s position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents the main ideas regarding the savings of Russell and Jennie, but it does so in a somewhat superficial manner. The ideas are stated but not sufficiently extended or supported with detailed evidence from the graph. For example, the essay mentions that Russell’s savings decreased and then increased but does not explore the reasons behind these fluctuations or provide a more nuanced analysis of the data.
- How to improve: To improve this area, the writer should aim to elaborate on the presented ideas by providing more context or analysis. This could involve discussing possible reasons for the trends observed in the graph or comparing the two employees’ savings strategies. Including more specific data points and drawing connections between them would also enhance the support for the ideas presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the savings of the two employees as indicated by the graph. However, it could benefit from a more structured approach that directly correlates the discussion to the data presented in the graph. There are moments where the analysis feels repetitive, and the summary at the end does not add new insights.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one and directly relates back to the graph. Avoiding redundancy and ensuring that each point made contributes to a deeper understanding of the data will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, a more varied vocabulary and sentence structure could enhance the overall engagement of the writing.

In summary, while the essay provides a basic overview of the graph, it falls short in depth and detail, leading to a lower band score. By addressing the outlined areas for improvement, the writer can develop a more comprehensive and insightful response that meets the requirements of the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents the information in a logical sequence, starting with an introduction that outlines the main trends observed in the graph. The body paragraphs are structured to compare the savings of Russell and Jennie chronologically, which aids in understanding the changes over time. For instance, the essay effectively contrasts the initial high savings of Russell with Jennie’s lower starting point, then follows their trajectories over the years. This clear organization helps the reader to easily follow the narrative of the data presented.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow further, consider incorporating more transitional phrases that guide the reader through the comparisons. For example, using phrases like "In contrast," or "Similarly," at the beginning of comparative statements can help clarify the relationships between the two employees’ savings more explicitly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the data. The introduction sets the stage, the body paragraphs detail the savings patterns of each employee, and the conclusion summarizes the findings. This clear paragraphing structure aids in readability and comprehension. However, the essay could benefit from more distinct separation between the discussion of each employee’s savings, as the current structure blends their narratives somewhat.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider dedicating one paragraph solely to Russell’s savings and another solely to Jennie’s. This would allow for a more in-depth analysis of each individual’s savings without the risk of conflating their trends. Additionally, a clearer topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph could help signal to the reader what to expect.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "on the other hand," and "overall," which help to connect ideas and indicate contrasts. These devices contribute to the clarity of the essay and guide the reader through the analysis. The use of numerical data is also effectively integrated into the text, providing concrete evidence to support the statements made.
- How to improve: To diversify the range of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more varied linking words and phrases. For example, using "in addition," "furthermore," or "consequently" can enhance the connections between ideas. Additionally, varying sentence structures can also improve cohesion; for instance, combining shorter sentences into more complex ones can create a smoother flow of information.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and coherent, with effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further elevate the clarity and sophistication of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of savings and financial trends. Terms like "illustrates," "declined," "recovered," and "surpassed" are effectively used to convey changes in savings over time. However, the vocabulary could be further diversified. For example, instead of repeatedly using "savings," synonyms such as "funds," "capital," or "financial reserves" could enhance the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and phrases related to financial trends. For instance, instead of saying "savings increased," they could use "savings escalated" or "savings surged." Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives could help paint a clearer picture of the trends, such as "significant increase" could be replaced with "remarkable increase" for added emphasis.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "highest point" is somewhat vague; specifying "peak savings" would convey a clearer meaning. Also, the use of "sharp decline" is appropriate, but it could be complemented by a more precise quantification of the decline to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using more specific terms that accurately describe the data. For example, instead of "reached just over $2,000," they could specify "reached approximately $2,200," which would provide a clearer picture of the data. Furthermore, incorporating financial terminology such as "fluctuations" or "trends" could improve the precision of the analysis.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the vocabulary used. Words like "illustrates," "significant," and "gradually" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: To maintain and further enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Engaging in regular spelling practice, particularly with financial vocabulary, can also be beneficial. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or writing software that highlights spelling errors can help catch any potential mistakes before finalizing the essay.

In summary, while the essay meets the criteria for a Band 6 in Lexical Resource, there are clear opportunities for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling practices. By diversifying vocabulary, using more precise language, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "Overall, it is evident that Russell’s savings decreased initially but later experienced a significant increase" effectively conveys relationships between ideas. Additionally, the essay employs a mix of active and passive voice, which adds to the overall variety. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be further diversified. For example, the phrase "However, this figure declined sharply over the next few years" could be rephrased to include a more complex structure, such as "Despite starting at a high point, this figure saw a sharp decline over the subsequent years."
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, using participial phrases or conditional clauses can add complexity. Additionally, varying the placement of adverbs and adjectives within sentences can create a more engaging flow. Practicing the use of different sentence types in writing exercises can also help in achieving greater variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "which marks the highest amount saved by either employee during the period" is grammatically correct and effectively uses the present tense to convey a current relevance. Punctuation is used correctly throughout the essay, with commas appropriately placed to separate clauses and items in a list. However, there are a few areas where clarity could be improved, such as in the sentence "By 2014, her savings reached just over $2,000, surpassing Russell’s for the first time," where the use of "for the first time" could be more clearly linked to the context.
- How to improve: To further improve grammatical accuracy, focus on ensuring that all clauses are clearly linked and that modifiers are placed correctly to avoid ambiguity. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing with exercises focused on common errors can also help. Additionally, reading academic or formal writing can provide insight into effective punctuation and grammatical structures, which can be emulated in future essays.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision, the writer can aim for an even higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph depicts the yearly savings of two employees, Russell and Jennie, in a superstore over the period from 2011 to 2017.

Overall, it is clear that Russell’s savings decreased initially but later experienced a significant increase, while Jennie’s savings showed a steady upward trend throughout the entire period.

In 2011, Russell’s savings began at approximately $4,000, representing the highest amount saved at the start. However, this figure dropped significantly over the next few years, reaching around $2,000 by 2014. From 2015 onwards, Russell’s savings began to recover, increasing steadily and reaching approximately $4,500 in 2017, which exceeds the savings of Jennie during this time.

In summary, while Russell experienced fluctuations with a notable decline followed by a recovery, Jennie’s savings increased steadily, ending slightly below Russell’s by the end of the period.