The graph below shows yearly savings of two employees in a superstore from 2011 to 2017.

Presented for consideration is a line graph illustrating the yearly savings of two different workers (Jennie and Russell) in a superstore between 2011 and 2017.

Overall, the yearly savings of Russell increased while Jennie’s saw a decrease. Additionally, it can be seen that Russell experienced the most significant change from the lowest situation to the highest and compare to Jennie, it was easily to see a contrast.

Beginning with Russell’s yearly savings, in 2011 it stood at the lowest situation with 1,500 dollars then rose to approximately 2,000 before jumping dramatically to nearly 3,000 over the 4-year period. After that, it still greatly got an increase from 3,000 to around 4,000 dollars between 2015 and 2017, eventually, experienced the highest situation at the end of timeframe.

Moving on to Jennie, concurrently, hers started at the highest situation with 4,000 dollars – an impressive number, then rapidly dropped to approximately 2,000 throughout the period of 2 years from 2011 to 2013. Subsequently, it gradually increased to just over 2,000 during the period of 3 years and badly ended at just 3,000 dollars and experienced the lowest situation by the end in 2017.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the yearly savings of Russell increased while Jennie’s saw a decrease" -> "the yearly savings of Russell increased, whereas Jennie’s experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Whereas" provides a clearer contrast between the two subjects, and "experienced a decline" is more formal and precise than "saw a decrease."
"the most significant change from the lowest situation to the highest" -> "the most significant change from the lowest point to the highest"
Explanation: "Lowest point" is a more standard expression in academic writing, providing clarity and precision.
"compare to Jennie, it was easily to see a contrast" -> "in comparison to Jennie, a clear contrast emerges"
Explanation: "In comparison to" is a more formal phrase, and "a clear contrast emerges" improves clarity and grammatical structure.
"it stood at the lowest situation with 1,500 dollars" -> "it stood at the lowest point at 1,500 dollars"
Explanation: "Lowest point" is a more conventional term, enhancing clarity and formality.
"then rose to approximately 2,000 before jumping dramatically to nearly 3,000" -> "then rose to approximately 2,000 before increasing sharply to nearly 3,000"
Explanation: "Increasing sharply" is a more precise and formal way to describe a significant rise, avoiding the informal connotation of "jumping dramatically."
"it still greatly got an increase from 3,000 to around 4,000 dollars" -> "it continued to increase significantly from 3,000 to approximately 4,000 dollars"
Explanation: "Continued to increase significantly" is more formal and precise than "still greatly got an increase."
"eventually, experienced the highest situation at the end of timeframe" -> "ultimately, reached the highest point by the end of the timeframe"
Explanation: "Ultimately" is a more formal transition, and "reached the highest point" is clearer and more conventional than "experienced the highest situation."
"hers started at the highest situation with 4,000 dollars – an impressive number" -> "hers began at the highest point, at 4,000 dollars, which is noteworthy"
Explanation: "Began at the highest point" is more formal, and "which is noteworthy" is a more academic way to express significance than "an impressive number."
"then rapidly dropped to approximately 2,000 throughout the period of 2 years from 2011 to 2013" -> "then declined rapidly to approximately 2,000 over a two-year period from 2011 to 2013"
Explanation: "Declined rapidly" is more formal than "dropped," and "over a two-year period" is more concise than "throughout the period of 2 years."
"Subsequently, it gradually increased to just over 2,000 during the period of 3 years" -> "Subsequently, it gradually increased to just over 2,000 over a three-year period"
Explanation: "Over a three-year period" is a more standard phrasing than "during the period of 3 years."
"and badly ended at just 3,000 dollars and experienced the lowest situation by the end in 2017" -> "and ultimately concluded at just 3,000 dollars, representing the lowest point by the end of 2017"
Explanation: "Ultimately concluded" is more formal than "badly ended," and "representing the lowest point" enhances clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay provides a general overview of the trends in the graph, but it does not provide a clear overview of the main trends, differences, or stages. The essay also presents and inadequately covers key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that Russell’s savings "jumped dramatically" in 2013, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also focuses on details rather than providing a clear overview of the main trends.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences, or stages in the graph. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific data to support its claims. For example, the essay could state that Russell’s savings increased from $1,500 in 2011 to $3,000 in 2014, a 100% increase. The essay could also be improved by focusing on the main trends rather than on details. For example, the essay could state that Russell’s savings increased steadily over the seven-year period, while Jennie’s savings decreased initially and then increased slightly.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the trends of both employees’ savings, the transitions between ideas are not always smooth, leading to a somewhat disjointed reading experience. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, such as "the lowest situation" and "the highest situation," which can confuse the reader. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the flow between Russell’s and Jennie’s savings could be improved for better coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay should focus on clearer transitions between ideas and more precise language. Using varied cohesive devices appropriately and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic would also help. Additionally, improving the logical flow of information and avoiding repetitive phrases would strengthen the overall structure of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the graph, the use of vocabulary is repetitive and lacks variety. Phrases like "lowest situation," "highest situation," and "impressive number" are overly simplistic and do not convey precise meanings. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "badly ended" and "greatly got an increase," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Spelling and word formation errors are present, although they do not completely impede communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary and use a wider range of lexical items. Incorporating more sophisticated and precise terms to describe trends and changes in the data would enhance clarity and engagement. Additionally, avoiding repetitive phrases and improving collocation would contribute to a more natural flow of language. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy can also help in reducing errors that distract from the overall message.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms with some attempts at complex sentences. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors are present, particularly in the use of phrases like "the lowest situation" and "the highest situation," which are awkward and not idiomatic. Additionally, punctuation errors are noted, such as missing commas and run-on sentences, which can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the flow of information.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and varying sentence beginnings. Additionally, attention should be given to grammatical accuracy and punctuation to minimize errors. Using more precise vocabulary and idiomatic expressions would also enhance clarity and coherence in the writing. Regular practice with feedback on grammatical accuracy can help improve overall performance in this area.

Bài sửa mẫu

Presented for consideration is a line graph illustrating the yearly savings of two different workers (Jennie and Russell) in a superstore between 2011 and 2017.

Overall, Russell’s yearly savings increased, while Jennie’s experienced a decline. Additionally, it is evident that Russell underwent the most significant change, rising from the lowest to the highest savings, which starkly contrasts with Jennie’s performance.

Beginning with Russell’s yearly savings, in 2011, it stood at the lowest point of 1,500 dollars, then rose to approximately 2,000 dollars before jumping dramatically to nearly 3,000 dollars over the following four years. After that, it continued to increase significantly from 3,000 to around 4,000 dollars between 2015 and 2017, ultimately reaching the highest amount by the end of the timeframe.

Moving on to Jennie, her savings started at the highest point of 4,000 dollars—an impressive figure—then rapidly dropped to approximately 2,000 dollars over a two-year period from 2011 to 2013. Subsequently, it gradually increased to just over 2,000 dollars during the next three years but ended poorly at just 3,000 dollars, marking the lowest point by the end of 2017.