The graph illustrates the changes in average salaries across three employment sectors, including engineering, IT, and professional sports in the United States over a period of 40 years, from 1970 to 2010.

Overall, Professional Sports salaries were the highest among the three career spheres. However, while IT and engineering earnings grew consistently, that of professional sports showed a contradictory pattern.
In 1970, professional sports had the highest salary with an average of $120,000. This figure exhibited various fluctuations before reaching a peak of $145,000 in 2000. Afterwards, it declined by $35,000 a decade later.
In contrast, the IT sector began as the least paying jobs with a modest salary of $35,000 in 1970. Nevertheless, it experienced significant growth over the years, surpassing engineering salaries around 1990 with an average of $60,000. By 2010, IT salaries had reached $100,000, only $10,000 behind the most paying division in the chart.
Meanwhile, engineering payment climbed gradually without reluctance throughout the years from $55,000 to $70,000 by 2010.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Professional Sports salaries" -> "Salaries in Professional Sports"
Explanation: The phrase "Salaries in Professional Sports" is more precise and formal, clearly indicating that the salaries pertain to the field of professional sports.
"that of professional sports showed a contradictory pattern" -> "those in professional sports exhibited a divergent trend"
Explanation: "Those in professional sports" clarifies the subject, while "exhibited a divergent trend" is more formal and precise than "showed a contradictory pattern," which may imply confusion rather than a clear difference.
"the highest salary with an average of $120,000" -> "the highest average salary of $120,000"
Explanation: "the highest average salary of $120,000" is more precise and avoids ambiguity by clearly stating that it refers to the average rather than a singular highest salary.
"exhibited various fluctuations" -> "exhibited considerable fluctuations"
Explanation: "Considerable fluctuations" adds a degree of emphasis and specificity, suggesting that the changes were significant rather than merely various.
"afterwards, it declined by $35,000 a decade later" -> "subsequently, it decreased by $35,000 a decade later"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is a more formal transition than "afterwards," and "decreased" is a more precise term than "declined," which can imply a more passive change.
"the least paying jobs" -> "the lowest-paying positions"
Explanation: "Lowest-paying positions" is a more formal and precise expression, aligning better with academic language conventions.
"Nevertheless, it experienced significant growth over the years" -> "However, it experienced substantial growth over the years"
Explanation: "However" is a more formal transition than "nevertheless," and "substantial" conveys a stronger sense of growth than "significant."
"surpassing engineering salaries around 1990" -> "surpassing engineering salaries by approximately 1990"
Explanation: "By approximately 1990" is clearer and more precise in indicating the timeframe of the surpassing.
"only $10,000 behind the most paying division in the chart" -> "only $10,000 less than the highest-paying sector depicted in the chart"
Explanation: "Less than the highest-paying sector depicted in the chart" is more formal and precise than "behind the most paying division," which is awkwardly phrased.
"engineering payment climbed gradually without reluctance" -> "engineering salaries increased steadily over the years"
Explanation: "Engineering salaries increased steadily" is clearer and more formal than "payment climbed gradually without reluctance," which is vague and informal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the graph, highlighting the key features of each sector. The essay also presents a clear comparison between the three sectors, noting the differences in their salary trends. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more specific details about the fluctuations in professional sports salaries and the reasons for the growth in IT salaries.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the fluctuations in professional sports salaries and the reasons for the growth in IT salaries. For example, the essay could mention that professional sports salaries peaked in the year 2000, likely due to the popularity of professional sports leagues such as the NBA and NFL. The essay could also mention that the growth in IT salaries is likely due to the increasing demand for IT professionals in the United States.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. The main points regarding the salary trends in the three sectors are logically organized, and there is a clear central topic within each paragraph. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the cohesion between sentences could be improved. For example, the transitions between the discussion of different sectors could be smoother. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it does not always enhance the logical flow of ideas, as some paragraphs could be better structured to improve clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer could focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices to connect ideas more fluidly. This includes using linking words and phrases that indicate relationships between different points more clearly. Additionally, improving the logical structure of paragraphs by ensuring that each one has a clear topic sentence and that supporting details are well-organized would contribute to a higher score. Finally, ensuring that transitions between paragraphs are seamless would help in achieving a more cohesive overall presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying the information presented in the graph. The use of terms such as "fluctuations," "contradictory pattern," and "significant growth" indicates an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the least paying jobs" (which could be more naturally expressed as "the lowest-paying jobs") and "payment climbed gradually without reluctance" (which is awkwardly phrased). These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall lexical sophistication expected at a higher band level.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary and more precise word choices. Additionally, minimizing errors in collocation and ensuring that phrases are used in a more natural context would enhance clarity and sophistication. Practicing with synonyms and varying sentence structures could also contribute to a more advanced lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the criteria for Band 6. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the most paying division" and "without reluctance" are not idiomatic and could confuse the reader. Additionally, there are some punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, which can affect the overall readability of the text.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and awkward expressions. Incorporating a wider range of complex structures while ensuring their accuracy will also help. Practicing sentence variety and ensuring that all sentences are error-free will contribute to clearer communication and a more polished essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the changes in average salaries across three employment sectors—engineering, IT, and professional sports—in the United States over a period of 40 years, from 1970 to 2010.

Overall, salaries in professional sports were the highest among the three career sectors. However, while IT and engineering earnings grew consistently, those in professional sports displayed a contrasting pattern. In 1970, professional sports boasted the highest salary, with an average of $120,000. This figure experienced various fluctuations before reaching a peak of $145,000 in 2000. Subsequently, it declined by $35,000 a decade later.

In contrast, the IT sector began as the lowest-paying field, with a modest salary of $35,000 in 1970. Nevertheless, it experienced significant growth over the years, surpassing engineering salaries around 1990, with an average of $60,000. By 2010, IT salaries had reached $100,000, only $10,000 behind the highest-paying sector in the chart.

Meanwhile, engineering salaries climbed gradually and steadily throughout the years, increasing from $55,000 to $70,000 by 2010.