The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The provided represents about amount of money which was earned by 3 bakeries in Calgary over a 10 years period from 2000 to 2010.
A glance at the graph reveals that Amadine cakery and Bolo Cakery witness an upward trend while Mari Bakershop dramatically decreased. Interestingly at the beginning of the time span, the revenue by the Mari Bakershop, it was surpussed by Amadine Cakery.
As can be seen in the chart, Bolo Cakery income started at $20000 in 2000. There was fluctuation over next 3 years, it remainded stable a just under $40000 until 2006. Then it raised significantly at around $65000 and Amadine Cakery was similar, it immutable approximately at $55000 in the first half of decade. Then Amadine Cakery’s income rocketed nearly $100000 in 2010.
The first time, the income of Mari Bakershop started at $80000 in 2004 and it go up and hit the highest point at around $90000, but it experienced sudden plunge of $60000. It plummeted and bottom out at $40000 in 2010.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The provided represents about amount of money which was earned by 3 bakeries in Calgary over a 10 years period from 2000 to 2010." -> "The provided data represents the revenue earned by three bakeries in Calgary over a decade, from 2000 to 2010."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and is grammatically incorrect. "Data" is a more formal term than "provided," and "earned" is a more precise verb choice than "amount of money which was earned."

2. "A glance at the graph reveals that Amadine cakery and Bolo Cakery witness an upward trend while Mari Bakershop dramatically decreased." -> "A visual inspection of the graph indicates that Amadine Cakery and Bolo Cakery experienced an upward trend, while Mari Bakershop witnessed a dramatic decrease."
   Explanation: "Witness" is too informal; "experienced" is a more appropriate term. Also, "dramatically decreased" should be "witnessed a dramatic decrease" for clarity and to maintain parallel structure.

3. "Interestingly at the beginning of the time span, the revenue by the Mari Bakershop, it was surpussed by Amadine Cakery." -> "Interestingly, at the beginning of the time span, the revenue of Mari Bakershop was surpassed by that of Amadine Cakery."
   Explanation: "Surpassed" is a more precise term than "surpussed." Also, restructuring the sentence for clarity and using "of" instead of "by" improves readability.

4. "There was fluctuation over next 3 years, it remainded stable a just under $40000 until 2006." -> "There was fluctuation over the next three years, but it remained stable at just under $40,000 until 2006."
   Explanation: "Remained" is the correct past tense form of "remain." Adding "but" improves the sentence structure, and using numerals for "three years" is more appropriate in formal writing.

5. "Then it raised significantly at around $65000 and Amadine Cakery was similar, it immutable approximately at $55000 in the first half of decade." -> "Then it increased significantly to around $65,000, while Amadine Cakery remained relatively stable at approximately $55,000 in the first half of the decade."
   Explanation: "Raised" should be replaced with "increased" for clarity and formality. "Immutable" is not the appropriate term here; "remained relatively stable" is more accurate. Additionally, restructuring the sentence improves coherence.

6. "Then Amadine Cakery’s income rocketed nearly $100000 in 2010." -> "Then Amadine Cakery’s income skyrocketed to nearly $100,000 in 2010."
   Explanation: "Rocketed" is too informal; "skyrocketed" is a more suitable alternative. Also, using "to" instead of "at" improves accuracy.

7. "The first time, the income of Mari Bakershop started at $80000 in 2004 and it go up and hit the highest point at around $90000, but it experienced sudden plunge of $60000." -> "Initially, the income of Mari Bakershop started at $80,000 in 2004, then it rose to its peak at around $90,000, but subsequently experienced a sudden plunge to $60,000."
   Explanation: "The first time" is redundant and unnecessary. Using "initially" is more concise. "Go up" should be "rose" for consistency in verb tense. Also, restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to summarize the information presented in the graph about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary from 2000 to 2010. It mentions the upward trend of Amadine Cakery and Bolo Cakery, contrasting with the dramatic decrease in revenue for Mari Bakershop. However, the essay lacks a comprehensive comparison of the main features as requested by the prompt. It mentions the trends of each bakery individually but fails to provide meaningful comparisons between them.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should explicitly compare the earnings of the three bakeries over the given time period. This could involve discussing relative growth rates, identifying periods of similarity or difference in performance, and highlighting any notable fluctuations or patterns that emerge from the data.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear position by stating the observed trends in the earnings of each bakery. It asserts that Amadine Cakery and Bolo Cakery experienced an upward trend, while Mari Bakershop saw a significant decrease in revenue. However, the clarity could be improved by explicitly stating the main thesis or argument early in the essay and reinforcing it throughout.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should start with a clear thesis statement that summarizes the main trends observed in the graph. Throughout the essay, each paragraph should contribute to supporting and reinforcing this central argument, ensuring consistency in the presentation of ideas.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the trends in earnings for each bakery over the specified time period. It describes the initial earnings, fluctuations, and eventual outcomes for each bakery, providing some detail on the progression of income over the years. However, the essay lacks sufficient elaboration and support for these ideas, as it primarily offers a surface-level description of the data without deeper analysis or contextualization.
  • How to improve: To strengthen this aspect, the essay should provide more detailed analysis and interpretation of the data presented in the graph. This could involve discussing potential reasons for the observed trends, such as changes in market conditions, business strategies, or external factors impacting bakery revenues. Additionally, providing specific data points or percentages to support the claims made would enhance the credibility and depth of the analysis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the main features of the graph, namely the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary from 2000 to 2010. It focuses on describing the trends in revenue for each bakery over the specified time period. However, there are some instances where the language is unclear or ambiguous, and the essay could benefit from tighter organization and cohesion to ensure all information directly relates to the topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the essay should use clear and precise language to describe the data presented in the graph. Each paragraph should contribute to the overall discussion of bakery earnings, avoiding unnecessary digressions or tangential points. Additionally, revising the essay for clarity and coherence would help ensure that the content remains tightly aligned with the given prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally presents a coherent structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each bakery’s earnings over time, and a conclusion. However, there are instances where the flow of information could be improved. For example, the essay could benefit from a clearer chronological progression of events. While it adequately introduces the topic and provides an overview of the main trends, some sentences lack clarity and precision, which slightly disrupts the logical organization.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph progresses smoothly from one idea to the next, maintaining a clear chronological order. Clarify any ambiguous statements to avoid confusion for the reader. Additionally, consider providing transitions between paragraphs to improve the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to structure the information, but the effectiveness is hindered by several factors. Paragraphs should ideally focus on distinct aspects or time periods, aiding in the clarity and organization of ideas. However, some paragraphs in the essay cover multiple years or bakery earnings without clear delineation, leading to a lack of coherence within paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Refine paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect or time period, making it easier for the reader to follow the discussion. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to improve readability and coherence. Additionally, use topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph and provide a clear transition between paragraphs.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay makes limited use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and facilitate coherence. While some attempts are made to link sentences and paragraphs (e.g., "then," "similarly"), there is a lack of variety and sophistication in the cohesive devices used. This contributes to a somewhat disjointed flow between sentences and paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns to establish stronger connections between ideas. For example, use cohesive devices like "in addition," "furthermore," "on the contrary," etc., to signal relationships between sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, with the writer using words such as "witness," "surpassed," "fluctuation," "immutable," "rocketed," "plunge," and "bottom out." However, there are instances where simpler vocabulary could be replaced with more sophisticated alternatives to enhance lexical variety and precision.
  • How to improve: To further enrich the lexical resource, the writer can incorporate synonyms or more nuanced terms where appropriate. For instance, instead of using "go up," they could use "ascend" or "increase," and instead of "bottom out," they could use "reached its lowest point" or "hit a nadir."
• Use Vocabulary Precisely:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays both precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "surpussed by" lacks precision; "surpassed" would be the correct term. On the other hand, phrases like "plummeted" and "bottom out" are used accurately to describe significant decreases.
  • How to improve: To ensure precision, the writer should carefully select vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Utilizing a thesaurus or consulting academic sources can aid in finding more precise synonyms for common words and phrases.
• Use Correct Spelling:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Amadine cakery" (should be "Amadine Cakery"), "remainded" (should be "remained"), "immutable" (incorrect usage; should be "remained"), and "surpussed" (incorrect spelling; should be "surpassed"). While some errors may be typographical, consistent proofreading is necessary to maintain spelling accuracy.
  • How to improve: Employing spelling and grammar check tools, proofreading thoroughly, and practicing spelling through writing exercises can assist in improving spelling accuracy. Additionally, paying attention to commonly misspelled words and learning their correct spellings can mitigate errors in future writing endeavors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, simple sentences such as "A glance at the graph reveals that Amadine cakery and Bolo Cakery witness an upward trend" are used alongside compound sentences like "Interestingly at the beginning of the time span, the revenue by the Mari Bakershop, it was surpussed by Amadine Cakery." Additionally, there are instances of complex sentences such as "The first time, the income of Mari Bakershop started at $80000 in 2004 and it go up and hit the highest point at around $90000, but it experienced sudden plunge of $60000."

  • How to improve: While the essay displays a commendable range of sentence structures, there are opportunities to enhance clarity and coherence. To achieve this, aim for a smoother transition between sentences and ensure that complex ideas are expressed clearly. For example, instead of "it go up and hit the highest point," it could be revised to "it increased and reached its peak." Varying sentence lengths and structures further can also enhance the overall readability and sophistication of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the text. For example, "it remainded stable a just under $40000" should be corrected to "it remained stable at just under $40,000," and "Mari Bakershop dramatically decreased" could be improved to "Mari Bakershop experienced a dramatic decrease."

  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to review and revise sentences for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper word choice. Additionally, paying close attention to punctuation, such as using commas to separate clauses and items in a series, will contribute to clearer and more polished writing. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct any remaining errors, ensuring a higher level of grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided data illustrates the revenue earned by three bakeries in Calgary over a decade, from 2000 to 2010.

A visual inspection of the graph indicates that Amadine Cakery and Bolo Cakery experienced an upward trend, while Mari Bakershop witnessed a dramatic decrease. Interestingly, at the beginning of the time span, the revenue of Mari Bakershop was surpassed by that of Amadine Cakery.

As can be observed in the chart, Bolo Cakery’s income started at $20,000 in 2000. There was fluctuation over the next three years, but it remained stable at just under $40,000 until 2006. Then it increased significantly to around $65,000, similar to Amadine Cakery, which remained relatively stable at approximately $55,000 in the first half of the decade. Subsequently, Amadine Cakery’s income skyrocketed to nearly $100,000 in 2010.

Initially, the income of Mari Bakershop started at $80,000 in 2004, then it rose to its peak at around $90,000, but subsequently experienced a sudden plunge to $60,000. It further plummeted and bottomed out at $40,000 in 2010.