the graph shows information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The line chart illustrates how many people participated in a variety of activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia over 20 years, starting from 2000.

Overall, the number of participants who joined film club, table tennis, and musical performance exhibited upward trends, while a contrasting pattern was observed in the other activities. Throughout the entire period, the film club consistently held its position as the top performer.

At the beginning of the period, film club was taken part in by 65 million people, significantly surpassing the figure for martial arts by 30 million. This was followed by amateur dramatics and table tennis, with respective averages of 28 million and 18 million.

Subsequently, despite occasional fluctuations, the figures recorded for people joining the film club moderately increased to just over 65 million by the end of the period, thereby maintaining their leading positions. Table tennis experienced an upward trend; however, a more dramatic rise was observed since the number surged from about 20 million in 2010 to 50 million in the next 10 years. In contrast, the figures for martial arts remained relatively stable and reached approximately 38 million in 2020. During the initial 5 years, the numbers for amateur dramatics slightly increased before experiencing a sharp decline from 28 million to 7 million and stood at the bottom. Meanwhile, starting from 2005, there was an upward trend in the number of musical performance participants, which exceeded that of dramatics in 2015 con continued to increase to around 17 million at the end.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line chart illustrates" -> "The line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Line graph" is the more precise term for a chart that displays continuous data over time, aligning better with academic standards.
"participated in" -> "participated"
Explanation: The verb "participated" is sufficient without the preposition "in," making the sentence more concise and formal.
"upward trends" -> "increasing trends"
Explanation: "Increasing trends" is a more precise and formal way to describe the direction of change in data.
"a contrasting pattern" -> "a contrasting trend"
Explanation: "Trend" is more specific to the context of data analysis, enhancing the academic tone.
"taken part in" -> "participated"
Explanation: Similar to the previous point, "participated" is more direct and formal than the phrase "taken part in."
"significantly surpassing" -> "significantly exceeding"
Explanation: "Exceeding" is a more precise term in statistical contexts, indicating a comparison of values.
"respectively" -> "respectively"
Explanation: No change needed here, as "respectively" is correct for listing items in parallel structure.
"moderately increased" -> "gradually increased"
Explanation: "Gradually" is a more precise term that better describes the steady, continuous nature of the increase.
"surged" -> "increased significantly"
Explanation: "Increased significantly" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "surged."
"dramatic rise" -> "marked increase"
Explanation: "Marked increase" is a more formal and precise phrase suitable for academic writing.
"relatively stable" -> "relatively consistent"
Explanation: "Consistent" is more specific in describing the stability of the data over time.
"slightly increased" -> "marginally increased"
Explanation: "Marginally" is a more precise adverb that better describes small, incremental changes.
"sharp decline" -> "significant decline"
Explanation: "Significant" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "sharp," which can carry a slightly informal connotation.
"stood at the bottom" -> "remained lowest"
Explanation: "Remained lowest" is a more formal and precise way to describe the position of the data over time.
"con continued to increase" -> "continued to increase"
Explanation: Removing "con" corrects a typographical error and maintains the formal tone.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of participants in film club "moderately increased" to just over 65 million by the end of the period, but the graph shows that the number of participants actually decreased slightly.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in film club decreased slightly from 2000 to 2020, while the number of participants in table tennis increased significantly over the same period. The essay could also provide more specific details about the fluctuations in the data, such as the sharp decline in the number of participants in amateur dramatics from 2005 to 2010.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with an overall progression of ideas. It effectively organizes the data into distinct sections, discussing the various activities and their participant numbers over the specified period. However, while cohesive devices are used, there are instances where their application is mechanical, leading to some awkward phrasing and a lack of smooth transitions between ideas. Additionally, referencing could be clearer in some parts, and the paragraphing, while present, does not always follow a logical structure, particularly in the transition from one activity to another.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that transitions are smooth will also contribute to a higher band score. Additionally, clearer referencing and substitution of terms can help avoid repetition and improve the overall clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "was taken part in by" instead of "was participated in by," which detracts from the overall clarity. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "con continued" which disrupts the flow of the text but does not completely impede communication. Overall, while the vocabulary used is sufficient for the task, it lacks the precision and flexibility required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes practicing the correct usage of less common lexical items and ensuring that collocations are appropriate. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would help improve clarity and coherence. Engaging with more complex texts and incorporating varied vocabulary in writing practice can also aid in achieving a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at using more complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are several grammatical errors, such as "was taken part in by" (which should be "was participated in by") and "con continued" (which seems to be a typographical error for "and continued"). These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and improving sentence structure. Incorporating a wider range of complex sentences with correct punctuation and ensuring that all verb tenses are used appropriately would also help. Additionally, practicing writing with a focus on clarity and coherence can further strengthen the overall grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart illustrates the number of participants in various activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia, over a 20-year period, starting from 2000.

Overall, the number of participants in the film club, table tennis, and musical performances exhibited upward trends, while a contrasting pattern was observed in the other activities. Throughout the entire period, the film club consistently maintained its position as the most popular activity.

At the beginning of the period, the film club attracted 65 million participants, significantly surpassing the figure for martial arts by 30 million. This was followed by amateur dramatics and table tennis, with respective averages of 28 million and 18 million.

Subsequently, despite occasional fluctuations, the number of people joining the film club moderately increased to just over 65 million by the end of the period, thereby preserving its leading position. Table tennis also experienced an upward trend; however, a more dramatic rise was observed as the number surged from about 20 million in 2010 to 50 million in the following decade. In contrast, the figures for martial arts remained relatively stable, reaching approximately 38 million in 2020. During the initial five years, the numbers for amateur dramatics slightly increased before experiencing a sharp decline from 28 million to 7 million, placing it at the bottom. Meanwhile, starting from 2005, there was an upward trend in the number of participants in musical performances, which surpassed that of amateur dramatics in 2015 and continued to rise to around 17 million by the end of the period.