The graph shows the average Japanese month salary (Yen) from 1953 to 1983, and the prices of black and white televisions and color televisions during the same period.

The graph shows the average Japanese month salary (Yen) from 1953 to 1983, and the prices of black and white
televisions and color televisions during the same period.

The given line graph compares the average monthly wage (Yen) of Japaneses in the period of 30 years, starting in 1970. While two lines remaining illustrate the price of TV has color and black-white TV in the same period.
It is clear that Japanese’s salary witnessed an upward trend while the prices of TVs underwent a downward trend through the period.
As can be seen from the charts, in the first years, the amount of money to buy black-white TV stood at 110 thousands Yen which hit the highest spot through the period of 30 years. While, the precise of color TV was lower than the last one just 10 thousands Yen. In the next 10 years later, these both figures demonstrated a dramatic downturn which dropped to exactly 40 thousands Yen with black-white TV and approximately 65 thousands Yen with color TV. In the next 20 years period later, the price of non-color TV were halved compared to the figure in 1980 which stood at 20 thousands Yen in 2000. The price of the remaining television maintain the similar trend with dropped to approximately 50 thousands Yen in the final year.
With the Japanese’s monthly salary line chart was stood at under 20 thousands in the first year and gradually rose in the next 20 years later. It is noticeable that in the middle between 1990 and 2000, this figure displayed a significant upturn which just stood at approximately 30 thousands Yen at that time and grew to 65 thousands Yen at the end.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Japanese’s" -> "Japanese"
Explanation: The possessive form "Japanese’s" is incorrect. "Japanese" should be used as an adjective to describe the nationality or ethnicity, without the possessive form.
"in the period of 30 years" -> "over a period of 30 years"
Explanation: "Over a period of" is a more formal and precise way to describe a duration of time in academic writing.
"two lines remaining illustrate" -> "two lines illustrate"
Explanation: The phrase "remaining" is unnecessary and slightly awkward in this context. Removing it simplifies the sentence without altering its meaning.
"Japanese’s salary witnessed" -> "Japanese salaries witnessed"
Explanation: The plural form "salaries" is necessary to refer to the general trend of salaries over time, rather than the singular "salary."
"the prices of TVs underwent" -> "the prices of TVs experienced"
Explanation: "Underwent" can imply a more active or passive process, which might not be suitable in this context. "Experienced" is more neutral and appropriate for describing trends.
"the amount of money to buy" -> "the cost of"
Explanation: "The cost of" is more direct and formal, fitting better in academic writing than the more conversational "the amount of money to buy."
"the precise of color TV" -> "the price of color TVs"
Explanation: "Precise" is incorrectly used here; "price" is the correct term. Additionally, "color TVs" should be plural to match the plural subject "prices."
"dramatic downturn" -> "significant decline"
Explanation: "Dramatic" can imply emotional connotation, which is less suitable in formal academic writing. "Significant" is neutral and precise.
"the price of non-color TV" -> "the prices of non-colored TVs"
Explanation: "Non-color TV" is unclear and awkward. "Non-colored TVs" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"The price of the remaining television maintain" -> "The prices of the remaining televisions remained"
Explanation: "Maintain" is incorrect; "remained" is the correct verb form to describe a continued state over time. Also, "the prices of the remaining televisions" is grammatically correct.
"With the Japanese’s monthly salary line chart was stood at" -> "The Japanese monthly salary line chart stood at"
Explanation: "With the Japanese’s" is awkward and incorrect. "The Japanese monthly salary line chart" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"gradually rose" -> "gradually increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal and precise term than "rose," which can be seen as too colloquial for academic writing.
"displayed a significant upturn" -> "experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "displayed a significant upturn," which uses a less common idiom.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay needs to provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features/bullet points of the data, rather than focusing on details. The essay should be written in a more concise and organized manner. The essay should also avoid using irrelevant or inaccurate information.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in the graph, the structure is somewhat unclear, and the relationships between ideas are not always logical. There is an inadequate use of cohesive devices, leading to some repetition and confusion. Paragraphing is attempted but not always effective, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing the information by using logical paragraphing that separates different ideas or trends. Additionally, improving the use of cohesive devices—such as linking words and phrases—will help clarify relationships between sentences and ideas. Ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and maintaining a consistent flow of information will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the trends in the graph, there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "Japaneses" instead of "Japanese," and "the price of TV has color and black-white TV" which is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "black-white TV" instead of "black-and-white TV," and "the precise of color TV" which should be "the price of color TV." These issues can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message clearly.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise terms. They should also pay attention to collocations and common phrases related to the topic. Practicing the correct forms of words and ensuring accurate spelling will enhance clarity. Additionally, using synonyms and varying sentence structures can help demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary and improve overall fluency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use complex sentences, but these attempts often lack accuracy. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("was stood" instead of "stood"), incorrect plural forms ("Japaneses" instead of "Japanese"), and issues with sentence structure that can cause confusion for the reader. While the overall meaning is generally clear, the errors can hinder communication and comprehension.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Practice constructing both simple and complex sentences correctly. Ensure that subjects and verbs agree, and that sentences are complete and clearly convey the intended meaning.
Grammar and Vocabulary: Review common grammatical rules, especially regarding verb tenses and pluralization. Expanding vocabulary can also help in expressing ideas more accurately.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to improve clarity. Proper use of commas and periods can help in breaking down complex ideas into more digestible parts.
Proofreading: After writing, take time to review the essay for any grammatical errors or awkward phrasing. This can help catch mistakes that may have been overlooked during the writing process.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph compares the average monthly wage (Yen) of Japanese individuals over a period of 30 years, starting in 1953. Meanwhile, two lines illustrate the prices of color and black-and-white televisions during the same period.

It is clear that Japanese salaries witnessed an upward trend, while the prices of TVs underwent a downward trend throughout the period.

As can be seen from the charts, in the initial years, the cost of a black-and-white TV stood at 110 thousand Yen, which was the highest point over the 30-year period. In contrast, the price of a color TV was lower by just 10 thousand Yen. In the following 10 years, both figures demonstrated a dramatic downturn, dropping to exactly 40 thousand Yen for the black-and-white TV and approximately 65 thousand Yen for the color TV. Over the next 20 years, the price of the black-and-white TV was halved compared to the figure in 1980, standing at 20 thousand Yen in 2000. The price of the color television maintained a similar trend, dropping to approximately 50 thousand Yen in the final year.

The line chart for Japanese monthly salaries started at under 20 thousand Yen in the first year and gradually rose over the next 20 years. Notably, between 1990 and 2000, this figure displayed a significant upturn, rising from approximately 30 thousand Yen at that time to 65 thousand Yen by the end.