The graph shows the impact of vaccinations on the incidence of whooping cough, a childhood illness, between 1940 and 1990 in Britain. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph shows the impact of vaccinations on the incidence of whooping cough, a childhood illness, between 1940 and 1990 in Britain.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph gives information about the change of the whooping cough’s case which happenes only in children when the vaccine appeared in Britain, over 50-year period since 1940. Overall, from 1940 to around 1965, when vaccine isn’t appear so the the number of cases is high, but after 1965, vaccine begin lead to plummet to nearly 0.
As can be seen, from 1940 to 1965, according to the graph the case peaked at 180.000 after the beginning of the vaccine in 1955, the number of case reduced to roughly 40.000. In around 1965, the percentage of vaccine uptake for 81% people which helped the number of case declined to under 20.000. When the vaccine uptake was 30% in the next following 10 years, the number of case increased to 80.000. Then, in the rest of the period the vaccine uptake up to 94% led to the number of case plummeted to insignificant number 0

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the change of the whooping cough’s case" -> "the changes in the incidence of whooping cough"
Explanation: "Changes in the incidence" is more precise and formal than "the change of the whooping cough’s case," which is vague and awkwardly phrased.
"which happenes only in children" -> "which occurs primarily in children"
Explanation: "Occurs" is a more formal and precise verb than "happens," and "primarily" is clearer than "only," acknowledging that while the disease predominantly affects children, there may be exceptions.
"over 50-year period since 1940" -> "over a 50-year period beginning in 1940"
Explanation: Adding "a" improves grammatical correctness, and "beginning in" is clearer and more formal than "since."
"when vaccine isn’t appear" -> "when the vaccine was not yet available"
Explanation: "Was not yet available" is grammatically correct and more formal than "isn’t appear," which is incorrect.
"vaccine begin lead to plummet" -> "the introduction of the vaccine led to a significant decline"
Explanation: "The introduction of the vaccine" provides clarity, and "led to a significant decline" is more formal and precise than "begin lead to plummet."
"the case peaked at 180.000" -> "the incidence peaked at 180,000"
Explanation: "Incidence" is a more appropriate term in this context, and the correct numerical format uses a comma instead of a period.
"after the beginning of the vaccine in 1955" -> "following the introduction of the vaccine in 1955"
Explanation: "Following the introduction" is more formal and precise than "after the beginning."
"the number of case reduced to roughly 40.000" -> "the number of cases decreased to approximately 40,000"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal verb than "reduced," and "approximately" is more precise than "roughly." Additionally, "cases" should be plural.
"the percentage of vaccine uptake for 81% people" -> "the percentage of vaccine uptake reached 81% of the population"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the subject and uses a more formal structure.
"which helped the number of case declined to under 20.000" -> "which contributed to a decline in the number of cases to below 20,000"
Explanation: "Contributed to a decline" is more precise and formal than "helped the number of case declined," and "below" is clearer than "under."
"When the vaccine uptake was 30% in the next following 10 years" -> "When vaccine uptake reached 30% over the subsequent decade"
Explanation: "Reached" is more precise than "was," and "over the subsequent decade" is clearer and more formal than "in the next following 10 years."
"the number of case increased to 80.000" -> "the number of cases increased to 80,000"
Explanation: Again, "cases" should be plural, and the correct numerical format uses a comma instead of a period.
"the vaccine uptake up to 94% led to the number of case plummeted to insignificant number 0" -> "the vaccine uptake increased to 94%, resulting in the incidence declining to an insignificant level of zero"
Explanation: "Increased" is more appropriate than "up to," and "resulting in the incidence declining to an insignificant level of zero" is clearer and more formal than "led to the number of case plummeted to insignificant number 0."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. Instead, it recounts details mechanically with no clear overview. The essay also presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details rather than the overall trends.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. For example, the essay could state that the number of whooping cough cases decreased significantly after the introduction of the vaccine in 1955. The essay could also highlight the key features of the graph, such as the peak in cases in 1940 and the decline in cases after 1965. The essay should also avoid focusing on irrelevant details, such as the specific percentage of vaccine uptake in 1965. Instead, the essay should focus on the overall trends in the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization; however, it lacks overall progression and clarity. While it attempts to summarize the graph, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which hampers the flow of information. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, making it difficult to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information and ensuring a clear progression of ideas. Using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively would help in linking sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing and substitution would reduce repetition and confusion. Structuring the essay into distinct paragraphs with clear topic sentences would also aid in presenting a more coherent argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main features of the graph, the use of vocabulary is repetitive and occasionally inappropriate (e.g., "the change of the whooping cough’s case" and "the number of case"). There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as "happenes," "isn’t appear," and "the vaccine begin lead to plummet," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource is insufficient to convey precise meanings effectively.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, focusing on spelling and grammatical accuracy will improve clarity. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help to convey ideas more fluently and flexibly.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("happenes," "isn’t appear"), awkward phrasing ("the vaccine begin lead to plummet"), and punctuation issues. These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. While the essay attempts to convey the main features of the graph, the inaccuracies in grammar and punctuation detract from the overall clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Grammatical Range: Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences and subordinate clauses.
Enhance Accuracy: Pay closer attention to verb forms and agreement, ensuring that tenses are used correctly and consistently.
Improve Punctuation: Use punctuation marks correctly to clarify meaning and improve the flow of sentences.
Proofreading: Review the essay for errors before submission to catch and correct any mistakes that may hinder communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the changes in the incidence of whooping cough, a childhood illness, in Britain over a 50-year period from 1940 to 1990, coinciding with the introduction of the vaccine. Overall, from 1940 to around 1965, when the vaccine was not yet available, the number of cases was high; however, after 1965, the introduction of the vaccine led to a dramatic decline, approaching nearly zero cases.

As can be seen, from 1940 to 1965, the number of cases peaked at 180,000. Following the introduction of the vaccine in 1955, the number of cases reduced to roughly 40,000. By around 1965, the vaccination uptake had reached 81%, which contributed to a decline in cases to under 20,000. In the subsequent decade, when the vaccine uptake was only 30%, the number of cases increased again to 80,000. However, in the remaining years of the period, the vaccination rate rose to 94%, resulting in a significant drop in cases to an insignificant level of zero.