The graph shows the percentage of UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

This artical is about the graph shows the percentage of UK adolescents following a vegtarian diet .Obesity is when we live a careless life, live wwith out responsibility for ourselves and let ourselves be lazy,taking away our health, appearance and money .
Through the chart above we can see that obesity started in the 1960s.In the 1960s,wwhen its first started , the obesity rate was almost zero but gradually in the following years, it increased significantly .From 0% to 5% and then reached 7,5% in 1970 , at thiss time obesity began to incease rapidly.Overall, it can be seen that the number off british adolescents over the period.Besides,this number reached a peak in 1980.However,there was a sharp deciline in this figure form 1980 to around 1999, falling from 16% to about 4%.and then obesity rates gradually decreased between 1990 and 2000 wwhen they were at their lowest.Starting in the following years, the phones were popular devices for work, but many young people abused them to be lazy and by 2010, this had increased to 11%.The obesity rate has decreased from 2010 to 2020,but not significantly. We don’t know yet,but wwhat will 2020 be like?

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"This artical is about the graph shows" -> "This article presents a graph that illustrates"
Explanation: "Artical" is a misspelling of "article." The phrase "presents a graph that illustrates" is more formal and precise, improving clarity and academic tone.
"the percentage of UK adolescents following a vegtarian diet" -> "the percentage of UK adolescents adhering to a vegetarian diet"
Explanation: "Following" is too informal; "adhering to" conveys a stronger commitment to the diet. Additionally, "vegtarian" is a misspelling of "vegetarian."
"Obesity is when we live a careless life, live wwith out responsibility for ourselves and let ourselves be lazy" -> "Obesity results from a sedentary lifestyle and a lack of personal responsibility."
Explanation: The original phrasing is overly informal and vague. The revised version uses precise language to define obesity in a more academic manner.
"taking away our health, appearance and money" -> "negatively impacting our health, physical appearance, and financial well-being."
Explanation: "Taking away" is informal and vague; "negatively impacting" is more precise and appropriate for an academic context.
"Through the chart above we can see that obesity started in the 1960s" -> "The chart illustrates that obesity rates began to rise in the 1960s."
Explanation: "Through the chart above we can see" is informal; "The chart illustrates" is more direct and academic.
"wwhen its first started" -> "when it first emerged"
Explanation: "Wwhen" is a typographical error, and "emerged" is a more precise term than "started," enhancing clarity.
"the obesity rate was almost zero but gradually in the following years, it increased significantly" -> "the obesity rate was nearly zero; however, it gradually increased in subsequent years."
Explanation: "Almost" is less formal than "nearly," and the use of "however" provides a clearer contrast. "Subsequent years" is more precise than "following years."
"at thiss time obesity began to incease rapidly" -> "At this time, obesity began to increase rapidly."
Explanation: "Thiss" and "incease" are misspellings. The corrected phrase maintains the original meaning while improving accuracy.
"the number off british adolescents over the period" -> "the number of British adolescents over this period."
Explanation: "Off" is a typographical error, and "British" should be capitalized as it is a proper noun.
"there was a sharp deciline in this figure form 1980 to around 1999" -> "there was a sharp decline in this figure from 1980 to approximately 1999."
Explanation: "Deciline" is a misspelling of "decline," and "approximately" is more formal than "around."
"and then obesity rates gradually decreased between 1990 and 2000 wwhen they were at their lowest" -> "Obesity rates gradually decreased between 1990 and 2000, reaching their lowest point."
Explanation: The phrase is restructured for clarity, and "wwhen" is corrected to "when."
"Starting in the following years, the phones were popular devices for work" -> "In subsequent years, mobile phones became popular devices for work."
Explanation: "Starting in the following years" is vague; "In subsequent years" is more precise. "Mobile phones" is a more accurate term than "the phones."
"but many young people abused them to be lazy" -> "but many young people misused them, leading to a more sedentary lifestyle."
Explanation: "Abused" is too strong and informal; "misused" is more appropriate. The phrase "leading to a more sedentary lifestyle" clarifies the consequence.
"but not significantly" -> "but the decrease was not significant."
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and precise, improving academic tone.
"We don’t know yet, but wwhat will 2020 be like?" -> "The future implications for obesity rates in 2020 remain uncertain."
Explanation: The original phrasing is informal and speculative. The revised version presents a more academic tone while maintaining the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 3

Band Score: 3

Explanation: The essay fails to address the task, which has been completely misunderstood. The essay focuses on obesity, not vegetarianism, and does not provide any information about the percentage of UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet. The essay is largely irrelevant and repetitive.

How to improve: The essay needs to be completely rewritten to address the task. The writer should focus on the information presented in the graph, which shows the percentage of UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet. The essay should summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. The writer should avoid irrelevant information and focus on providing a clear and accurate overview of the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay presents some information and ideas, but they are not arranged coherently, and there is no clear progression in the response. The main topic of the essay is not consistently focused on the percentage of UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet, as it veers off into discussing obesity instead. While some basic cohesive devices are used, they are often inaccurate or repetitive, leading to confusion. The paragraphing is inadequate, with ideas not clearly separated or logically structured.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay should focus on the specific topic of the graph, summarizing the key features related to the percentage of UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet. Clear topic sentences should be used to introduce each paragraph, and cohesive devices should be employed appropriately to connect ideas logically. Additionally, ensuring that the essay is divided into distinct paragraphs that each addressa single aspect of the data will improve overall clarity and organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with frequent errors in spelling and word formation that hinder clarity. Phrases like "the graph shows the percentage" and "this artical is about" indicate basic vocabulary usage. Additionally, the use of terms such as "vegtarian" and "deciline" reflects a lack of control over spelling, which can cause strain for the reader. The essay attempts to convey information about obesity rather than directly addressing the prompt about vegetarian diets, which further detracts from its effectiveness.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and ensuring accurate spelling. Using more varied and precise vocabulary related to the topic, such as "vegetarianism," "dietary choices," and "health implications," would improve clarity. Additionally, practicing correct word formation and avoiding repetitive phrases will help convey ideas more effectively. Finally, ensuring that the essay directly addresses the prompt will enhance overall coherence and relevance.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a very limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts to use complex sentences, they are often inaccurate or poorly constructed. Frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("started in the 1960s" should be "started in the 1960s"), misspellings ("vegtarian" instead of "vegetarian"), and punctuation issues, detract from clarity and coherence. These errors can cause difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with subordinate clauses.
Proofreading: Carefully check for spelling and grammatical errors before submission to ensure clarity and correctness.
Practice Grammar: Engage in targeted grammar exercises to improve understanding and application of various grammatical rules.
Use Transitional Phrases: Employ linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas and enhance coherence in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

This article discusses the graph showing the percentage of UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet. Obesity occurs when individuals lead a careless lifestyle, neglecting personal responsibility and allowing laziness to compromise their health, appearance, and finances.

Through the chart above, we can observe that obesity began to emerge in the 1960s. Initially, in the 1960s, the obesity rate was almost zero, but it gradually increased significantly in the following years. It rose from 0% to 5% and then reached 7.5% in 1970, marking the start of a rapid increase in obesity rates. Overall, it is evident that the number of British adolescents following a vegetarian diet fluctuated over this period. Furthermore, this number peaked in 1980. However, there was a sharp decline in this figure from 1980 to around 1999, falling from 16% to about 4%. Subsequently, the rates gradually decreased between 1990 and 2000, reaching their lowest point.

In the following years, mobile phones became popular devices for work, but many young people misused them, leading to increased laziness. By 2010, the obesity rate had risen to 11%. Although the obesity rate decreased from 2010 to 2020, the change was not significant. We cannot predict what the situation will be like in 2020.