The graph shows the rates of participation in three different activities in a UK sports club between 1995 and 2015.

The line graph gives information about the number of participating club members in swimming, team sports and gym from 1995 to 2015 in the UK.

Overall, team sports and gym activities experienced a steady rise in the beginning but showed a decline at the end. While swimming, starting off with a significant fall and later on remaining steady.

Starting off with a 5% and more than 30% respectively in team sports and gym activities. The team sports began stable and reached its peak of 40% in 2010. On the opposite side, The gym activities increased significantly throughout the year and exceeded swimming in 2010 approximately 25%. Otherwise, these two sports experienced a similar downward trend at the end at more than 30% for team sports and 25% in gym activities.

In 1995, swimming was the most popular sport for participants. Throughout the year, it fell badly into just more than 10% of participants and stayed the same into 2015. In the end, swimming is the least famous sport among contestants.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Starting off with a 5% and more than 30% respectively in team sports and gym activities." -> "Commencing with a 5% share for team sports and exceeding 30% for gym activities."
Explanation: "Starting off" is a colloquial expression that can be replaced with "Commencing" for a more formal tone. "More than" can be replaced with "exceeding" for precision and conciseness.
"On the opposite side," -> "In contrast,"
Explanation: "On the opposite side" is a bit informal and vague. "In contrast" is a more precise transition to indicate a comparison between the trends.
"The gym activities increased significantly throughout the year and exceeded swimming in 2010 approximately 25%." -> "Gym activities witnessed a substantial increase over the years, surpassing swimming by approximately 25% in 2010."
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity in the comparison between gym activities and swimming. By restructuring the sentence, the comparison becomes more explicit and the flow of information improves.
"Otherwise," -> "However,"
Explanation: "Otherwise" doesn’t fit here as it is used to indicate a difference or alternative situation. "However" is more appropriate to introduce a contrasting statement.
"In the end, swimming is the least famous sport among contestants." -> "Ultimately, swimming emerged as the least favored sport among participants."
Explanation: "In the end" can be replaced with "Ultimately" for a smoother transition. "Least famous" can be substituted with "least favored" for a more nuanced and accurate description.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

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Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in participation rates for swimming, team sports, and gym activities in a UK sports club from 1995 to 2015. The main trends are highlighted, such as the rise and subsequent decline in participation rates for team sports and gym activities, and the steady participation rate for swimming. However, there is a lack of precise data and some inaccuracies, such as stating that team sports reached a peak of 40% in 2010 without providing specific figures from the graph. Additionally, the conclusion about swimming being the least popular sport is not entirely supported by the data.
How to improve: Provide specific data points from the graph to support statements about participation rates, avoid making conclusions not supported by the data, and ensure accuracy and relevance of details provided. Additionally, consider organizing the essay with clearer transitions between points for improved coherence.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas in a generally coherent manner, with a clear overall progression. It begins by introducing the topic and summarizing the trends shown in the graph. Each paragraph focuses on one aspect of the data: team sports, gym activities, and swimming. There is a logical progression of ideas within paragraphs, with clear topic sentences for each. However, there are some issues with cohesion, particularly within and between sentences. Some sentences lack clear connections to each other, leading to occasional disjointedness. Additionally, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as inaccurate or repetitive use of cohesive devices. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically; some paragraphs could be better organized or divided for improved clarity.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the main point of the paragraph and connects smoothly to the sentences before and after it. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices appropriately, avoiding repetition or inaccuracies. Consider restructuring paragraphs to ensure a clearer flow of ideas and logical progression throughout the essay. Finally, pay attention to referencing and substitution to avoid any confusion or lack of clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the essential terms related to describing trends in a line graph such as "participating club members," "steady rise," "decline," "significant fall," "peak," "exceeded," and "downward trend." There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary like "stable" and "famous," although they may not be the most appropriate choices. Additionally, some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are evident, such as "fell badly" instead of "declined sharply" or "plummeted." The essay also lacks variety in sentence structures, which could enhance lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as synonyms for common terms and more precise adjectives and adverbs to describe trends. Additionally, paying attention to word choice and collocation can help in conveying ideas more accurately. It would also be beneficial to vary sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating some variety in sentence structure. There is an attempt to use different sentence structures, though transitions between them are sometimes abrupt. The essay presents a clear overview of the trends shown in the graph and effectively describes the changes over time. However, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, which occasionally affect clarity and communication.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures consistently throughout the essay. Pay close attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation, ensuring that errors are minimized to enhance clarity and coherence. Reviewing sentence structures and practicing proofreading techniques can help in achieving greater accuracy and fluency in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Improved IELTS Task 1 Essay:

The line graph provides details regarding the participation rates of club members in swimming, team sports, and gym activities from 1995 to 2015 in the UK.

Initially, both team sports and gym activities saw a gradual increase in participation. Team sports started at 5%, gradually rising to a peak of 40% in 2010 before witnessing a decline. Similarly, gym participation, beginning at over 30%, experienced a substantial rise, surpassing swimming by approximately 25% in 2010, before both activities faced a downward trend towards the end of the period, with participation dropping to just over 30% for team sports and 25% for gym activities.

Swimming, on the other hand, was initially the most popular activity in 1995. However, it experienced a sharp decrease, dropping to just over 10% of participants and maintained this lower level of participation up to 2015. Throughout the period, swimming consistently showed fewer participants compared to the other activities, eventually becoming the least popular by 2015.

This report highlights the dynamic changes in participation rates among the three sports activities over the two decades.