The graphs below show the percentage of graduates that got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, and the average salary of both these types of graduates, from 2004 to 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs below show the percentage of graduates that got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, and the average salary of both these types of graduates, from 2004 to 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph illustrates the proportion of math and other graduates of a particular Australian university who were employed full time between 2004 and 2012, while the table shows how much they earned on average during the same timeframe.
Overall, the full-time employment rate for math graduates was more stable than that for other graduates over the period, and also higher for the most part. Additionally, their average salaries experienced a steady increase, with the former’s surpassing the latter’s towards the end.
In 2004, around 80% of math graduates landed a full-time job, and by 2008, the figure had risen to peak at 85%, before declining back down to approximately 75% in the final year. Other graduates almost exactly mirrored this pattern, beginning at around 65%, hitting a high of nearly 90% in 2006 prior to returning to their initial level at the end of the period.
With regards to the average remuneration, both kinds of graduates earned the same from 2004 to 2006, receiving $41,000 and $43,000 respectively. From then onwards, although both earnings continued to climb, math graduates generally made $4000-$5000 more per year than their counterparts, ending at $56,000 and $51,000, in that order.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
   Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in academic contexts, enhancing the scholarly tone of the introduction.

2. "employed full time" -> "fully employed"
   Explanation: "Fully employed" is a more formal and precise term that is commonly used in academic and professional contexts to describe the status of employment.

3. "how much they earned on average" -> "their average salaries"
   Explanation: "Their average salaries" is a more direct and formal way to express the information, avoiding the colloquial "how much they earned."

4. "the full-time employment rate" -> "the proportion of full-time employment"
   Explanation: "The proportion of full-time employment" is a more precise and formal way to describe the data being presented, aligning better with academic style.

5. "the former’s surpassing the latter’s" -> "the former exceeded the latter"
   Explanation: "Exceeded" is a more formal and concise alternative to "surpassing," which is slightly less common in academic writing.

6. "landed a full-time job" -> "secured full-time employment"
   Explanation: "Secured full-time employment" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "landed a full-time job."

7. "the figure had risen to peak at" -> "the figure peaked at"
   Explanation: "Peaked at" is a more concise and formal way to describe the highest point in a trend, improving the academic tone.

8. "prior to returning to their initial level" -> "before returning to their initial levels"
   Explanation: Adding "s" to "levels" corrects the grammatical error and maintains consistency in the plural form throughout the sentence.

9. "With regards to the average remuneration" -> "Regarding average remuneration"
   Explanation: "Regarding" is a more concise and formal transition word than "With regards to," which is slightly redundant and less commonly used in academic writing.

10. "both kinds of graduates earned the same" -> "both groups of graduates received equal salaries"
    Explanation: "Received equal salaries" is more precise and formal than "earned the same," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.

11. "generally made $4000-$5000 more per year" -> "typically earned $4,000-$5,000 more annually"
    Explanation: "Typically earned" is more formal than "generally made," and specifying the dollar amounts with commas and the word "annually" enhances the formality and precision of the statement.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the key features of both the line graph and the table. The essay also makes relevant comparisons between the two types of graduates. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the trends in the data, or it could compare the trends in the data to other countries.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the trends in the data, or it could compare the trends in the data to other countries. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, instead of saying "the figure had risen to peak at 85%", the essay could say "the figure reached a peak of 85% in 2008".

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay is logically organized, with a clear progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the overall structure allows for easy understanding of the comparisons between math graduates and other graduates. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, and the use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances where the connection between ideas could be more fluid. The essay does a good job of summarizing the main features of the graphs and tables, but it could benefit from more varied cohesive devices to enhance the flow of information.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. This includes ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smoother and more natural. Additionally, the writer could improve paragraphing by ensuring that each paragraph not only presents a clear topic but also develops it more thoroughly, possibly by including more detailed comparisons or analyses of the data presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying the information presented in the graphs. The use of terms such as "proportion," "stable," "surpassing," and "remuneration" indicates an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "the former’s surpassing the latter’s," which could be clearer. Additionally, there are minor errors in phrasing and word formation that do not impede communication but suggest room for improvement. Overall, the vocabulary is adequate for the task, but it lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer could incorporate a wider variety of sophisticated vocabulary and expressions. This could include using synonyms or more nuanced terms to avoid repetition and improve clarity. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate minor errors in word choice and collocation would strengthen the overall quality of the essay. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and varied vocabulary would also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. The writer shows good control of grammar and punctuation, although there are a few minor errors present. For instance, the phrase "the former’s surpassing the latter’s" could be clearer, and the use of "with regards to" is slightly informal for an academic essay. Overall, the grammatical range is adequate, but it lacks the full flexibility and accuracy required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the complexity of sentence structures while ensuring clarity and precision. Additionally, minimizing minor errors and using more formal language would strengthen the overall grammatical accuracy. Practicing with varied sentence forms and reviewing common grammatical pitfalls can also help in achieving a higher level of proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the proportion of mathematics and other graduates from a particular Australian university who were employed full-time between 2004 and 2012, while the table shows their average earnings during the same timeframe.

Overall, the full-time employment rate for mathematics graduates was more stable than that for other graduates over the period, and it was also higher for the most part. Additionally, their average salaries experienced a steady increase, with the former surpassing the latter towards the end of the period.

In 2004, around 80% of mathematics graduates secured a full-time job, and by 2008, this figure had risen to a peak of 85%, before declining back down to approximately 75% in the final year. Other graduates almost exactly mirrored this pattern, starting at around 65%, reaching a high of nearly 90% in 2006, and then returning to their initial level by the end of the period.

Regarding average remuneration, both groups of graduates earned the same from 2004 to 2006, receiving $41,000 and $43,000, respectively. From then onwards, although both earnings continued to climb, mathematics graduates generally earned $4,000 to $5,000 more per year than their counterparts, ending at $56,000 and $51,000, in that order.