The graphs below show the percentage of math graduates and other graduates who got full-time job after graduating from a university in Australia, and also show the average salary of both these types of graduates, from 2004 to 2012

The line graph and the table provide information about the proportion of full-time staff who held bachelor’s degrees and their average salaries after graduation over the course of of eight years starting from 2004.

Upon initial examination, the rates of full-time employees majoring in maths was constantly high during the period. Another noteworthy observation is that maths and other majors had a significant gap in their payments.

Regarding the line graph, the proportion of full-time workers who were maths graduates was even higher than that of their other counterparts combined, standing at 80% and around 67% respectively in the initial year. After two years, the number of different majors surpassed maths majors, reaching 85% in 2006, after which both components coincided at about 83%. During the final four years, both groups experienced a gradual decline, with maths graduates seeing a 5% drop whereas other graduates witnessed a fall of 17%, hitting the bottom at nearly 70%.

Turning to the table, it is evident that fresh employees with bachelor’s degrees in maths and other majors started in 2004 with the same salary. However, in 2006, maths graduates and other graduates began to witness a negligible gap in their payments ($43,100 and $43,000 respectively). Their remuneration tended to increase steadily, hitting $56,000 and $51,000 for maths majored workers and other majored counterparts.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph and the table provide information" -> "The line graph and the table present information"
Explanation: "Present" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "provide" in academic contexts, enhancing the formality of the statement.
"proportion of full-time staff who held bachelor’s degrees" -> "percentage of full-time employees holding bachelor’s degrees"
Explanation: "Percentage" is more specific and commonly used in academic contexts when discussing proportions, and "employees" is more precise than "staff" in a formal academic setting.
"maths" -> "mathematics"
Explanation: "Mathematics" is the more formal and academically appropriate term compared to the colloquial "maths."
"the rates of full-time employees majoring in maths was" -> "the rates of full-time employees majoring in mathematics were"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from "was" to "were" to agree with the plural subject "rates," and uses "mathematics" for formality.
"Another noteworthy observation is that maths and other majors had a significant gap in their payments." -> "Another notable observation is that mathematics and other majors exhibited a significant disparity in their remuneration."
Explanation: "Notable" is more formal than "noteworthy," and "exhibited a disparity in their remuneration" is more precise and formal than "had a gap in their payments."
"the proportion of full-time workers who were maths graduates" -> "the proportion of full-time employees who were graduates in mathematics"
Explanation: "Employees" is more specific than "workers," and "graduates in mathematics" is more precise than "maths graduates."
"their other counterparts" -> "their counterparts in other fields"
Explanation: "Their counterparts in other fields" is clearer and more formal than "their other counterparts."
"After two years, the number of different majors surpassed maths majors" -> "After two years, the proportion of graduates in other fields surpassed that of mathematics"
Explanation: "Proportion of graduates in other fields" is more specific and formal than "number of different majors," aligning better with academic style.
"maths graduates seeing a 5% drop" -> "mathematics graduates experiencing a 5% decline"
Explanation: "Experiencing a decline" is a more formal and precise term than "seeing a drop."
"witness a fall of 17%" -> "experience a decline of 17%"
Explanation: "Experience a decline" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "witness a fall."
"fresh employees with bachelor’s degrees" -> "newly employed graduates with bachelor’s degrees"
Explanation: "Newly employed" is more specific and formal than "fresh," and "graduates" is more precise than "employees."
"maths majored workers" -> "workers majoring in mathematics"
Explanation: "Workers majoring in mathematics" is grammatically correct and more formal than "maths majored workers."
"other majored counterparts" -> "counterparts majoring in other fields"
Explanation: "Counterparts majoring in other fields" is more formal and precise than "other majored counterparts."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "maths graduates and other graduates began to witness a negligible gap in their payments" in 2006, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also does not fully explain the reasons for the trends in the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that the gap in payments between maths graduates and other graduates was $100 in 2006. The essay could also be improved by providing more analysis of the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the decline in the percentage of full-time workers who were maths graduates after 2006.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes the information by first introducing the topic and then discussing the data presented in the line graph and table. There is a clear progression from discussing the proportion of full-time workers to their average salaries. The use of cohesive devices such as "upon initial examination," "regarding," and "turning to" helps connect ideas within and between sentences. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic related to the data.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to further connect ideas and ensure a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to paragraphing to ensure a more logical structure throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. The writer uses less common lexical items and shows some awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice and spelling, but they do not significantlyede communication. The essay effectively conveys the information from the graphs and tables provided.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer can focus on using a wider range of vocabulary and incorporating more sophisticated and precise lexical features. Paying closer attention to word choice and spelling accuracy will help elevate the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentence structures and varied vocabulary will enhance the lexical richness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of a variety of complex structures, such as passive voice ("was constantly high," "was even higher," "was constantly high"), relative clauses ("who held bachelor’s degrees," "who were maths graduates"), and comparison structures ("higher than that of their other counterparts," "started in 2004 with the same salary"). The majority of sentences are error-free, with good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few minor errors present, such as missing articles ("in the initial year," "in 2006") and punctuation inconsistencies.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, pay attention to article usage and punctuation consistency. Make sure to proofread the essay to catch any minor errors that may occur, such as missing articles or punctuation mistakes. Additionally, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures to further enhance the variety and sophistication of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph and table illustrate the percentage of full-time employees with bachelor’s degrees in mathematics and other majors, along with their average salaries post-graduation from 2004 to 2012.

Initially, the proportion of full-time workers with mathematics degrees remained consistently high throughout the period. A notable difference in salary between mathematics and other majors is also observed.

In terms of the line graph, the percentage of full-time employees with mathematics degrees exceeded that of other majors, starting at 80% and approximately 67% respectively in 2004. By 2006, the percentage of other majors surpassed mathematics graduates, peaking at 85%, before converging at around 83% for both groups. Over the final four years, there was a gradual decrease for both groups, with mathematics graduates experiencing a 5% decline and other graduates seeing a steeper drop of 17%, reaching a low of nearly 70%.

Turning to the table, it is evident that in 2004, both mathematics and other majors started with the same salary. However, by 2006, a slight disparity in salary emerged, with mathematics graduates earning $43,100 and other graduates earning $43,000. Salaries continued to rise steadily, reaching $56,000 for mathematics graduates and $51,000 for other majors by the end of the period.