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The graphs below show the percentage of maths graduates and all graduates who got full time job after graduating from a university in Australia and also show the average salary of both these types of grads, from 2004 to 2012. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs below show the percentage of maths graduates and all graduates who got full time job after graduating from a university in Australia and also show the average salary of both these types of grads, from 2004 to 2012. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs depict the proportion of workers obtaining a university degree and the average earnings of maths graduates and all graduates from 2004 to 2012.
Overall, both types of graduates tended to go up and then decline at the end of the period, while their income increased gradually over 8 years.
There was a growth in the amount of maths grads and all graduates in the early years and then it went down to the point equaling the starting point. Both of these graduates climbed steadily and the maths degree holders (66%) were a little higher than the rest (80%) from 2004 to 2006, accounting for around four fifths and nine out of ten respectively. From 2006 to 2008, all graduates continued rising slightly to roughly 83% whereas the percentage of workers receiving maths qualification witnessed a decrease to just 87%. In the last four years, two kinds of graduates had a similarity trend – going down and ending at the same figures with the beginning, 66% and 80% respectively.
The revenues of degree holders grew stably through the whole period. Between 2004 and 2006, both types of grads earned the same, 41000 dollars and 43000 dollars. The differences started in 2008, when the earnings of people who got maths qualification soared to 50000 dollars, the values of workers having all one rose to only 45000 dollars. The average salary of maths and all graduates kept growing to 51000 dollars and 47000 dollars respectively in 2010. At the end of the period, the income of workers holding maths degrees hit a peak at 56000 dollars, while the salary of the remaining ended at 51000 dollars, which the previous one reached in 2010.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "go up" -> "ascend"
    Explanation: Replacing "go up" with "ascend" adds a more formal and precise tone to describe the upward movement of the proportion of workers obtaining a university degree.

  2. "climbed steadily" -> "ascended steadily"
    Explanation: Substituting "climbed steadily" with "ascended steadily" maintains the meaning while using a more sophisticated term, contributing to an elevated style in discussing the growth of the number of math graduates and all graduates.

  3. "went down" -> "decreased"
    Explanation: Replacing "went down" with "decreased" enhances the formality and precision of the language when describing the decline in the number of math graduates and all graduates.

  4. "equaling" -> "equating to"
    Explanation: Substituting "equaling" with "equating to" provides a more formal and precise expression when stating that the numbers went down to the point equaling the starting point.

  5. "revenues" -> "earnings"
    Explanation: Using "earnings" instead of "revenues" is more accurate in the context of individual income, as revenues typically refer to the total income of a business, while earnings are more appropriate for personal income.

  6. "the differences started" -> "disparities emerged"
    Explanation: Replacing "the differences started" with "disparities emerged" introduces a more sophisticated term to convey the commencement of distinctions in earnings between math graduates and all graduates.

  7. "soared" -> "surged"
    Explanation: Substituting "soared" with "surged" maintains the emphasis on a significant increase in earnings for individuals with a math qualification while using a more advanced vocabulary choice.

  8. "hit a peak" -> "peaked"
    Explanation: Changing "hit a peak" to "peaked" is a more concise and standard way to describe reaching the highest point in the income of workers holding math degrees.

  9. "the remaining" -> "the latter"
    Explanation: Replacing "the remaining" with "the latter" is a more precise term when referring to the salary of individuals with all degrees, enhancing clarity in the comparison with math graduates.

  10. "which the previous one reached" -> "a milestone previously achieved"
    Explanation: Substituting "which the previous one reached" with "a milestone previously achieved" adds sophistication to the sentence by using a more formal and elaborate expression to describe the salary level reached in 2010.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the main requirements of the task. It provides a clear overview of the trends and comparisons between maths graduates and all graduates regarding their percentages and average salaries from 2004 to 2012. The essay effectively highlights key features such as the fluctuation in percentages, the initial parity in earnings, and the subsequent divergence in income between maths graduates and all graduates. The trends are generally well-presented and the essay maintains coherence in presenting the information.

How to improve:
To improve towards a higher band score, consider enhancing the essay by providing more detailed analysis or further extending the discussion on the significance of these trends. Additionally, ensure a more consistent use of varied vocabulary and grammatical structures to elevate the overall presentation. Also, pay attention to precision in expressing percentages and figures to avoid confusion. Further expansion on the significance or implications of these trends would enrich the analysis and potentially push the essay into a higher band score range.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally clear progression and logical organization of information. It effectively compares the percentage of maths graduates and all graduates securing full-time jobs and their average salaries from 2004 to 2012. The introduction provides a concise overview of the main features and the overall trend. The body paragraphs present a systematic examination of the data, with a clear division between information related to the percentage of graduates and their average salaries.

There is a consistent use of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("Overall," "From 2006 to 2008," "In the last four years," etc.), contributing to the logical flow of ideas. The writer skillfully manages paragraphing, creating a coherent structure for presenting information.

However, there are instances of underuse and overuse of cohesive devices, such as in the phrase "There was a growth in the amount of maths grads and all graduates," where a more varied use of vocabulary and a smoother transition would enhance coherence.

While the central topics within each paragraph are generally clear, some sentences lack clarity, affecting overall cohesion. For instance, the sentence "Both of these graduates climbed steadily, and the maths degree holders (66%) were a little higher than the rest (80%) from 2004 to 2006, accounting for around four fifths and nine out of ten respectively" could be expressed more smoothly for improved cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Vary the use of cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence.
  2. Refine sentence structures for better clarity and coherence, avoiding instances where ideas might be presented abruptly.
  3. Pay attention to the balance of information within each paragraph, ensuring that ideas are logically connected.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion but could benefit from minor adjustments to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. It effectively conveys the main features of the given graphs and makes relevant comparisons. The writer employs a mix of common and less common lexical items, showcasing an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, such as the phrase "the maths degree holders (66%) were a little higher than the rest (80%)," where the use of "rest" may lead to some ambiguity. Additionally, there are minor inaccuracies in collocation, as seen in "the earnings of people who got maths qualification soared to 50000 dollars," where "qualification" might be more appropriately replaced with "qualifications."

How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, the writer should aim for more precise word choices and accurate collocation. Instead of "the rest," specifying the group as "all graduates" would eliminate ambiguity. Additionally, using "maths graduates" or "those with a mathematics degree" could improve precision in expression. Moreover, a more accurate phrase like "the earnings of individuals with a mathematics qualification soared to 50000 dollars" would eliminate the minor inaccuracy in word choice and improve overall lexical accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation, utilizing a variety of complex structures. The overall sentence structure is clear, and the essay effectively conveys information about the graphs. While there are a few minor grammatical errors and instances of awkward phrasing, these do not significantly impede communication. The essay successfully describes the trends and makes relevant comparisons between maths graduates and all graduates.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer could pay more attention to sentence construction and ensure the appropriate use of verb tenses throughout the essay. Additionally, a careful review of word choices and phrasing could further improve clarity. Moreover, providing more detailed explanations for the trends and comparisons made in the essay would add depth and precision to the analysis.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided graphs illustrate the percentage of individuals with university degrees securing full-time employment in Australia, differentiating between mathematics graduates and the overall graduate population. Additionally, the data includes the average salaries of both groups from the years 2004 to 2012. In summarizing this information, it is evident that both categories of graduates experienced an initial ascent followed by a decline towards the end of the period, while their income demonstrated a steady increase over the 8-year timeframe.

Commencing with the proportion of mathematics and general graduates, there was an initial rise in both categories during the early years, followed by a subsequent decline, eventually leveling off to the initial percentages. Notably, mathematics degree holders accounted for a slightly higher percentage (66%) compared to their counterparts (80%) from 2004 to 2006, constituting around four-fifths and nine-tenths, respectively. However, in the period from 2006 to 2008, the overall graduates’ percentage continued to increase slightly, reaching approximately 83%, while the mathematics graduates experienced a decrease to 87%. In the final four years, both categories exhibited a similar downward trend, converging at the initial figures of 66% and 80%, respectively.

Turning to the earnings of degree holders, a consistent growth pattern is observed throughout the entire period. Between 2004 and 2006, both mathematics and general graduates earned identical salaries, amounting to $41,000 and $43,000, respectively. However, from 2008 onwards, a notable discrepancy emerged, with mathematics graduates’ earnings soaring to $50,000, surpassing the $45,000 earned by general graduates. This trend continued, with the average salary of mathematics graduates reaching $51,000 in 2010 and peaking at $56,000 by the end of the period. In contrast, the average salary of general graduates grew to $47,000 in 2010, ending at $51,000 in the final year, the same value achieved in 2010.

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