The increase in people's life expectancy means that they have to work until an older age to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to woek at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?

People’s life expectancy tends to increase which means that they have to work until an older age to pay for their retirement. While other people believe that they should start to work much ealier, and in my opinion, this is a negative development.
On the one hand, when human work at the young age, they have the high of concentration and creativity from the others. That can help them boost their producitivity. For instance, a company owning the young labour force create more impressive products and services than the others. Furthermore, that company can rise the productivity and make more profit. In addition, the young can have more perfect chance to get experience and learn invaluable lessons from the older. That helps them to have opportunities to move up the career ladder.
On the other hand, working at the young age brings to the young many disadvantages. Firstly, nowadays, many companies require qualifications, thus the young have to complete their academic educaion quickly and serve intership to posses the perfect profile. Hardly do they manage their time. Moreover, when they work ealirt, they do not have experience with official work. Hence, they have less choices to choose work. For example, some students will go to work when they are twenties or even eighteens. As a result, they have less choices, such as bartending or tutoring with the low salaries which can not respond a standard lifestyle. Additionally, if they work at the young age, they will spend a major proportion of their life working.
In conclusion, I hold the view that despote the advantages, there is no obligation to have a job and save money from an ealier age. Because working after the retirement age is a good way to enjoy longevity.

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Errors and Improvements:

"People’s life expectancy tends to increase which means that they have to work until an older age to pay for their retirement." -> "The increasing life expectancy necessitates individuals to work until an advanced age to secure their retirement funds."
Explanation: Replacing "which means that they have to work until an older age" with "necessitates individuals to work until an advanced age" enhances clarity and formality. Additionally, "pay for their retirement" is replaced with "secure their retirement funds" for precision and sophistication.
"While other people believe that they should start to work much ealier, and in my opinion, this is a negative development." -> "Conversely, there is a belief among some individuals that commencing work at a younger age is advantageous; however, I contend that this is a detrimental trend."
Explanation: Replacing "While other people believe that they should start to work much earlier" with "there is a belief among some individuals that commencing work at a younger age is advantageous" offers a more formal expression. Additionally, "and in my opinion, this is a negative development" is replaced with "however, I contend that this is a detrimental trend" for a stronger assertion and formality.
"when human work at the young age" -> "when individuals work at a young age"
Explanation: "Human" is replaced with "individuals" for specificity and formality.
"they have the high of concentration" -> "they possess heightened levels of concentration"
Explanation: Replacing "they have the high of concentration" with "they possess heightened levels of concentration" improves clarity and formality.
"That can help them boost their producitivity." -> "This can aid in enhancing their productivity."
Explanation: Replacing "That can help them boost their productivity" with "This can aid in enhancing their productivity" offers a more formal and precise expression.
"a company owning the young labour force" -> "a company employing a young labor force"
Explanation: "Owning the young labor force" is replaced with "employing a young labor force" for clarity and formality.
"Furthermore, that company can rise the productivity" -> "Furthermore, such a company can increase its productivity"
Explanation: "Rise the productivity" is replaced with "increase its productivity" for clarity and precision.
"and make more profit" -> "and generate higher profits"
Explanation: "Make more profit" is replaced with "generate higher profits" for formality and precision.
"the young can have more perfect chance to get experience" -> "young individuals can have a greater opportunity to gain experience"
Explanation: "More perfect chance to get experience" is replaced with "greater opportunity to gain experience" for clarity and formality.
"and learn invaluable lessons from the older" -> "and learn invaluable lessons from older individuals"
Explanation: "From the older" is replaced with "from older individuals" for clarity and correctness.
"That helps them to have opportunities to move up the career ladder." -> "This facilitates their advancement up the career ladder."
Explanation: "That helps them to have opportunities to move up the career ladder" is replaced with "This facilitates their advancement up the career ladder" for clarity and conciseness.
"when they work ealirt" -> "when they work earlier"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "earlier" to "earlier" for accuracy.
"do not have experience with official work" -> "lack experience in formal employment"
Explanation: "Experience with official work" is replaced with "experience in formal employment" for clarity and formality.
"Hence, they have less choices to choose work." -> "Consequently, they have fewer options in choosing employment."
Explanation: "Less choices to choose work" is replaced with "fewer options in choosing employment" for clarity and precision.
"twenties or even eighteens" -> "their twenties or even their teens"
Explanation: "Twenties or even eighteens" is replaced with "their twenties or even their teens" for clarity and formality.
"which can not respond a standard lifestyle" -> "which cannot sustain a standard lifestyle"
Explanation: "Can not respond a standard lifestyle" is replaced with "cannot sustain a standard lifestyle" for clarity and correctness.
"they will spend a major proportion of their life working" -> "they will spend a significant portion of their lives working"
Explanation: "A major proportion of their life working" is replaced with "a significant portion of their lives working" for clarity and correctness.
"I hold the view that despote the advantages" -> "I maintain that despite the advantages"
Explanation: "I hold the view that despite the advantages" is replaced with "I maintain that despite the advantages" for formality and clarity.
"there is no obligation to have a job" -> "there is no inherent obligation to engage in employment"
Explanation: "To have a job" is replaced with "to engage in employment" for formality and precision.
"ealier age" -> "earlier age"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "ealier" to "earlier" for accuracy.
"working after the retirement age is a good way to enjoy longevity." -> "Continuing work beyond retirement age can contribute to a longer and more fulfilling life."
Explanation: "Working after the retirement age is a good way to enjoy longevity" is replaced with "Continuing work beyond retirement age can contribute to a longer and more fulfilling life" for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of starting work at a younger age in response to increasing life expectancy and the need to work longer for retirement. It acknowledges the argument for early employment but ultimately takes a stance against it.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, ensure that each viewpoint is explored in more depth. Additionally, explicitly connect the discussion to the implications for retirement and life expectancy to strengthen the relevance of the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against starting work at a younger age. The stance is evident from the outset and consistently supported throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of the position by explicitly stating it in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, anticipate potential counterarguments and address them to further solidify the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the advantages and disadvantages of early employment but could extend and support these ideas with more specific examples and evidence. Some instances, such as increased productivity and limited job choices, are briefly mentioned but lack elaboration.
- How to improve: Provide more detailed examples and evidence to support each idea presented. This could involve citing specific studies, statistics, or real-life examples to bolster the argument and make it more convincing.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the implications of starting work at a younger age in response to increasing life expectancy and retirement concerns. However, there are moments where the discussion deviates slightly, such as the brief mention of academic qualifications.
- How to improve: Ensure that all points directly relate to the topic of early employment and its impact on retirement and life expectancy. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to the central argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position against early employment, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed support for ideas and maintaining focus on the topic throughout the essay. Strengthening these aspects would enhance the coherence and persuasiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at logical organization, with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. For example, the transition between discussing the advantages and disadvantages of working at a young age feels abrupt, lacking a smooth segue.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through shifts in focus or argumentation. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand… On the other hand…" can help signal transitions between contrasting points.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but the structure within them could be refined for better clarity and coherence. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea or aspect of the argument, but some paragraphs here cover multiple points, which can make the essay feel disjointed.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into shorter ones to improve readability and focus.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "in conclusion." However, there is limited variety, and the essay could benefit from a wider range of cohesive devices to better connect ideas and improve overall coherence.
- How to improve: Experiment with using a variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore"), transition words (e.g., "moreover," "additionally"), and pronouns (e.g., "this," "these") to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Be mindful not to overuse any particular cohesive device, as this can also impede coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion in its organization and structure, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices. By focusing on these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, covering various aspects of the topic. There’s an attempt to use a variety of words, though some repetition and simplistic language hinder the effectiveness of lexical resource. For example, "work" is frequently repeated, and there are instances of imprecise word choices like "ealier" instead of "earlier," "producitivity" instead of "productivity," and "despote" instead of "despite."
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim for greater diversity in vocabulary usage. Instead of repeating words, explore synonyms and alternative expressions. Additionally, strive for accuracy in word choice and spelling to avoid detracting from the clarity of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs precise vocabulary, such as "qualifications" and "internship." However, there are instances of imprecise language, such as "ealier" instead of "earlier," and "producitivity" instead of "productivity." These inaccuracies slightly detract from the overall precision of vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary accurately and appropriately. Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct any misspelled words or inaccuracies. Consider utilizing a thesaurus to find more precise synonyms to convey ideas effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is a concern in the essay, with several misspelled words throughout, such as "ealier" (earlier), "producitivity" (productivity), and "despote" (despite). These errors diminish the overall quality of the writing and can distract the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, utilize spell-checking tools available in word processing software. Additionally, review commonly misspelled words and practice spelling them correctly. Proofreading carefully before submitting the essay can also help catch any spelling errors that may have been overlooked.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some effort to utilize a range of vocabulary and occasionally employs precise language, improvements in spelling accuracy and vocabulary precision are needed to enhance the lexical resource further. Revising for clarity, accuracy, and variety in word choice will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, there are instances of compound sentences like "While other people believe that they should start to work much earlier, and in my opinion, this is a negative development," and complex sentences such as "Moreover, when they work earlier, they do not have experience with official work." However, there’s room for improvement in incorporating more complex structures like conditional sentences or relative clauses to enhance coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider integrating conditional sentences (e.g., "If young individuals start working earlier, they could gain valuable experience") and relative clauses (e.g., "Young workers, who possess diverse skills, can contribute significantly to company productivity"). This will elevate the complexity and coherence of the essay, contributing to a more polished piece of writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay demonstrates a generally sound grasp of grammar and punctuation, there are several errors present. For instance, "when human work at the young age" should be "when humans work at a young age," and "they have the high of concentration" should be "they have a high level of concentration." Additionally, there are punctuation errors like missing commas before introductory phrases ("Firstly, nowadays") and incorrect usage of conjunctions ("despite" instead of "despite").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to review subject-verb agreement, article usage, and proper sentence structure. Proofreading for punctuation errors, especially regarding comma usage in complex sentences, will also refine the clarity of the essay. Furthermore, pay attention to the appropriate choice of conjunctions to ensure coherence and logical flow in your writing. Regular practice and seeking feedback can aid in improving grammatical precision and punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

People’s life expectancy is on the rise, leading to the necessity for individuals to work longer to secure their retirement funds. Some suggest starting work at a younger age as an alternative; however, I believe this to be a negative trend.

On one hand, beginning work at a young age offers advantages. Young individuals often possess high levels of concentration and creativity, which can significantly enhance their productivity. For example, a company with a young workforce may produce more innovative products and services, thereby increasing productivity and profitability. Moreover, young workers have ample opportunities to gain valuable experience and learn from older colleagues, facilitating their career advancement.

On the other hand, early entry into the workforce presents several challenges. Nowadays, many companies require specific qualifications, prompting young individuals to quickly complete their academic education and undertake internships to build a desirable profile. Additionally, lacking experience in formal employment limits their job options. For instance, some students may enter the workforce in their twenties or even their teens, resulting in limited job choices with low salaries that cannot sustain a standard lifestyle. Furthermore, starting work at a young age means dedicating a significant portion of life to work.

In conclusion, despite the benefits, there is no inherent obligation to engage in employment at an early age. Working beyond the retirement age can contribute to a longer and more fulfilling life.

The increase in people’s life expectancy means that they have to work until an older age to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to woek at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?