The increase in the production of consumer goods results in damage to the natural environment. What are the causes of this? What can be done to solve this problem?

The increase in the production of consumer goods results in damage to the natural environment. What are the causes of this? What can be done to solve this problem?

It is commonly acknowledged that the degradation of the natural environment stems from the fast growth of the consumer producing industry. There are some causes of this trend, and I will suggest some solutions to deal with the problems that have arisen.

To begin with, there are a number of reasons why the rise in the manufacturing industry poses a threat to nature. The main reason for this is that companies and factories are over exploiting the resources of natural forests such as wood for manufacturing chairs or tables, which leads to deforestation on a large scale. As a result, this is contributing to an increase in the negative effects of global warming and natural disasters such as wildfire or erosion, which is partly causing wildlife habitats may be destroyed, and this pushes rare animals such as rhino or panda on the verge of extinction. That is why the increase in the production of consumer goods is negatively affecting the natural environment

In order to deal with the issues of the environment caused by the development of producing consumer goods industries, some effective measures should be implemented. Firstly, the government should be responsible for improving these adverse effects. This can be done by enacting new laws on producing industries, which is likely to warn companies or factories that do not possess on their using natural resources with many stricter penalties. The government of developed nations in Euro, for instance, implemented a mining ban in 2016 which leads to the decrease of the negative effects of nature caused by the over exploiting of manufacturing companies with 45% compared to 60% in 2010, this figure is investigated by the New York Time.

In conclusion, it is clear that over-exploitation is the prime factor leading to this tendency and I believe that it is the government who should take a role of dealing with these problems.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "degradation" -> "deterioration"
    Explanation: Replacing "degradation" with "deterioration" maintains a formal tone and offers a more precise term for the decline of the natural environment.

  2. "fast growth" -> "rapid expansion"
    Explanation: "Fast growth" is a bit informal; using "rapid expansion" aligns better with academic language, providing a more sophisticated expression.

  3. "There are some causes" -> "Several factors contribute"
    Explanation: The phrase "There are some causes" is a bit vague. "Several factors contribute" is more specific and formal, enhancing the overall clarity.

  4. "I will suggest" -> "I will propose"
    Explanation: "I will suggest" is a bit informal. Using "I will propose" maintains formality and aligns better with academic writing conventions.

  5. "To begin with" -> "First and foremost"
    Explanation: "To begin with" is less formal. Using "First and foremost" adds formality and introduces the following discussion more assertively.

  6. "rise" -> "growth"
    Explanation: Replacing "rise" with "growth" provides a more precise term in the context of the manufacturing industry’s impact on the environment.

  7. "over exploiting" -> "overexploiting"
    Explanation: Combine "over" and "exploiting" into a single word, "overexploiting," for grammatical correctness.

  8. "manufacturing chairs or tables" -> "crafting furniture"
    Explanation: "Manufacturing chairs or tables" is a bit repetitive. "Crafting furniture" is a more encompassing term that maintains formality.

  9. "negative effects of global warming" -> "adverse impacts of global warming"
    Explanation: "Negative effects" is generic. "Adverse impacts" is a more formal and precise term in an academic context.

  10. "wildfire or erosion" -> "wildfires or erosion"
    Explanation: Use the plural form "wildfires" for grammatical correctness.

  11. "wildlife habitats may be destroyed" -> "wildlife habitats might be compromised"
    Explanation: "May be destroyed" is a bit too definite. "Might be compromised" introduces a level of uncertainty, aligning better with formal academic language.

  12. "rhino or panda" -> "rhinos or pandas"
    Explanation: Use the plural forms "rhinos" and "pandas" for grammatical correctness.

  13. "on the verge of extinction" -> "at the brink of extinction"
    Explanation: "On the verge of extinction" can be replaced with the more formal and precise "at the brink of extinction."

  14. "the increase in the production" -> "the surge in production"
    Explanation: "Increase in the production" can be streamlined to "surge in production" for conciseness and formality.

  15. "the issues of the environment" -> "environmental issues"
    Explanation: "The issues of the environment" can be expressed more succinctly as "environmental issues."

  16. "adverse effects" -> "negative consequences"
    Explanation: "Adverse effects" can be replaced with "negative consequences" for a more formal and precise expression.

  17. "stricter penalties" -> "more stringent penalties"
    Explanation: "Stricter penalties" can be replaced with "more stringent penalties" for a nuanced and formal tone.

  18. "mining ban in 2016" -> "mining ban implemented in 2016"
    Explanation: Specify that the mining ban was implemented in 2016 for clarity and precision.

  19. "negative effects of nature" -> "adverse effects on nature"
    Explanation: "Negative effects of nature" can be refined to "adverse effects on nature" for better clarity and formality.

  20. "this figure is investigated by the New York Time" -> "this figure was investigated by The New York Times"
    Explanation: Correct the grammar and specify the publication with "The New York Times" for accuracy and formality.

  21. "over-exploitation" -> "overexploitation"
    Explanation: Combine "over" and "exploitation" into a single word, "overexploitation," for grammatical correctness.

  22. "prime factor" -> "primary factor"
    Explanation: "Prime factor" can be replaced with "primary factor" for a more formal and precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt – causes and solutions. It identifies over-exploitation of natural resources as the primary cause and proposes government intervention as a solution. Relevant sections supporting these points are present, enhancing the overall completeness of the response.
    • How to improve: While the coverage is satisfactory, enhancing the depth of analysis for each cause and solution could further strengthen the response. For instance, providing additional examples or exploring the implications of suggested solutions in more detail would add richness to the content.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The author consistently attributes the environmental damage to over-exploitation by the consumer goods industry and advocates for government intervention as the solution. This coherence contributes to the overall clarity of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly addressing potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives to demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the issue.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, with a logical flow. Examples are used to illustrate the causes and solutions, enhancing the overall development. However, some ideas could benefit from further elaboration to provide a more in-depth understanding.
    • How to improve: Extend the analysis of each cause and solution by providing more specific examples, statistics, or real-world instances. This would not only strengthen the argument but also demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the causes and solutions related to the environmental damage caused by the production of consumer goods. However, there is a slight deviation in the introduction where a generic acknowledgment of environmental degradation is made without direct connection to the consumer goods industry.
    • How to improve: Ensure that every part of the introduction directly links to the specific context of the prompt. In this case, connecting the initial acknowledgment of environmental degradation directly to the increase in consumer goods production would eliminate any minor deviation.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, addressing potential counterarguments, providing more specific examples, and ensuring absolute relevance in the introduction. These refinements can elevate the essay to an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a clear organizational structure with a proper introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction provides a concise overview, and the body paragraphs present causes and solutions in a sequential manner. However, the link between sentences and ideas could be improved for a smoother transition.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, work on strengthening the coherence between sentences and paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the essay more seamlessly. For instance, connect the causes to the solutions more explicitly to create a cohesive narrative.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains paragraphs, but some are overly lengthy, impacting readability. For instance, the second paragraph addresses causes, and the third focuses on solutions. Breaking these into more concise paragraphs would enhance the structure and aid in better comprehension.
    • How to improve: Aim for more balanced paragraph lengths. Separate distinct ideas into individual paragraphs to facilitate clarity and readability. Each paragraph should ideally address one main point or idea, contributing to a more organized essay structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices to some extent, such as transitional phrases like "To begin with" and "In conclusion." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of these devices. More diverse linking words and phrases could strengthen the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices. Include a wider range of transition words like "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "Nevertheless" to create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall cohesion of the essay, making it more cohesive and engaging.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and demonstrates a generally clear organization, refining the coherence between ideas and employing a wider range of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes some less common words such as "degradation," "over-exploiting," and "adverse effects." However, there is room for improvement, especially in using more sophisticated and varied vocabulary to convey ideas. For instance, in the first paragraph, the phrase "companies and factories are over exploiting the resources of natural forests" could be enhanced with more nuanced language, possibly replacing "over exploiting" with "ruthlessly exploiting" or "recklessly depleting."
    • How to improve: To enrich vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and domain-specific terms. Utilize a thesaurus to identify alternatives for common words. Additionally, pay attention to context-appropriate usage of advanced vocabulary to enhance precision.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where the meaning is not entirely clear. For example, in the second paragraph, the phrase "which leads to the decrease of the negative effects of nature" could be refined for greater clarity. It is crucial to ensure that each word contributes precisely to the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: Aim for clarity by carefully selecting words and phrases. Review sentences to ensure that each term is used accurately in context. Consider rephrasing or providing additional clarification when there is potential for ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates satisfactory spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors, such as "possess" instead of "focus" in the sentence "warn companies or factories that do not possess on their using natural resources."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words. Utilize spell-check tools and, if possible, seek feedback from peers or instructors. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically can significantly enhance spelling proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some variety in sentence length. However, there is room for improvement in the diversification of structures. The essay often relies on simple sentence structures, and there is a need for more sophisticated sentence constructions to enhance overall fluency.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences. Varying sentence structures not only improves overall coherence but also showcases a higher command of language. For instance, instead of predominantly using straightforward sentences, experiment with integrating subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally sound grasp of grammar, with few major errors. However, there are instances of grammatical inaccuracies, such as subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "companies or factories are over exploiting"). Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, including missing commas and inconsistent use of conjunctions. For example, "wildlife habitats may be destroyed, and this pushes rare animals" could benefit from a comma after "destroyed."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Proofread for punctuation errors, focusing on proper comma usage in complex sentences. Consider revising sentences for clarity and precision, ensuring that ideas are expressed with grammatical correctness.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and utilizes a reasonable range of structures, there is room for improvement in both areas. Strengthening sentence variety and addressing specific grammatical issues will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely recognized that the deterioration of the natural environment is a direct consequence of the rapid expansion of the consumer goods industry. Several factors contribute to this trend, and I will propose some solutions to address the challenges that have emerged.

First and foremost, there are numerous reasons behind the environmental threat posed by the manufacturing sector’s growth. The primary factor is the overexploitation of natural resources, particularly wood from natural forests used in crafting furniture like chairs or tables, leading to widespread deforestation. Consequently, this contributes to the adverse impacts of global warming and natural disasters such as wildfires or erosion, compromising wildlife habitats. This, in turn, places rare animals like rhinos or pandas at the brink of extinction. Therefore, the surge in the production of consumer goods is undeniably exerting negative consequences on the natural environment.

To tackle the environmental issues arising from the expansion of consumer goods industries, some effective measures need to be implemented. More stringent penalties should be enforced, primarily through the enactment of new laws targeting manufacturing industries. This would serve as a warning to companies or factories engaging in the overexploitation of natural resources. Notably, certain developed nations in Europe have already taken proactive steps. For instance, a mining ban implemented in 2016 resulted in a 45% decrease in the negative effects on nature caused by overexploiting manufacturing companies, compared to the 60% observed in 2010. This figure was investigated by The New York Times.

In conclusion, it is evident that overexploitation is the primary factor driving this trend, and I believe that the government should play a pivotal role in addressing these problems.

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