The line chart shows trends in terms of employment in the USA in millions and predictions for the future

The trends in terms of joblessness in the USA in three different fields (manufacturing, services, agriculture) and projections are provided by the given line graph.

In general, there would be a remarkable change in rank in three sectors. Also, the only field that followed an uptrend is service and the opposite is true for the remaining. There is a point that the figures of those three fields converge.

In the first given period, from 1975 to 1977, the amount of manufacturing and services recorded a slight increase (1o million or so). There was no change in the number of agriculture in this period, remaining at 80 million, But in the next period (1977 – 1979), that of agriculture dropped to 42 million – approximately a half of initial data and 8 times higher than the number of increases in the two following fields. Simultaneously the manufacturing and services both rose about 5 million in this time. Turning to the phase of 1979 to 1980, that upward trend of manufacturing and services continued whilst the reverse was for agriculture. All the three fields converged in 1980 with 40 million.

After 1980, the considerable changes could be seen in 3 provided fields. In spite of following a similar pattern from the beginning, the trends in manufacturing and services have completely reversed since 1980. In the period 1980 – 1982, the amount of manufacturing suddenly dipped to around 18 million and was set to drop in the following years. In contrast, that of services continued to increase, with projection being 90 million in 2025. Regarding the number of agriculture, it plunged and it is anticipated to hit one of the two lowest positions in 2025. The other one was manufacturing, which were both only about 10 million, equaling the starting data.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The trends in terms of joblessness" -> "The trends in unemployment"
Explanation: "Joblessness" is less commonly used in academic contexts and can be vague. "Unemployment" is the more precise and widely accepted term in economic and academic discussions.
"remarkable change" -> "significant shift"
Explanation: "Remarkable" can sound informal and subjective. "Significant shift" is more neutral and suitable for academic writing, emphasizing the magnitude of the change without emotional connotation.
"the only field that followed an uptrend is service" -> "the only sector that experienced an uptrend was services"
Explanation: "Field" is less specific and can be ambiguous. "Sector" is more precise and commonly used in economic contexts, and "experienced" is more formal than "followed."
"the opposite is true for the remaining" -> "the opposite was true for the other two sectors"
Explanation: "The remaining" is vague and informal. Specifying "the other two sectors" clarifies the reference and maintains formality.
"There is a point that the figures of those three fields converge." -> "It is notable that the figures for all three sectors converge."
Explanation: "There is a point that" is informal and imprecise. "It is notable that" is more formal and academically appropriate, and specifying "all three sectors" clarifies the scope.
"the amount of manufacturing and services recorded a slight increase (1o million or so)" -> "the numbers for manufacturing and services showed a slight increase of around 1 million"
Explanation: "The amount" is less precise than "the numbers," which directly refers to the quantifiable data. "Showed a slight increase of around 1 million" is clearer and more formal than "recorded a slight increase (1o million or so)," which is informal and imprecise.
"But in the next period (1977 – 1979), that of agriculture dropped to 42 million – approximately a half of initial data" -> "However, in the subsequent period (1977-1979), agricultural employment decreased to 42 million, roughly half the initial figure"
Explanation: "But" is too informal for academic writing; "However" is more formal. "That of agriculture" is awkward; "agricultural employment" is clearer and more specific. "Approximately a half of initial data" is vague; "roughly half the initial figure" is more precise.
"the reverse was for agriculture" -> "the opposite was true for agriculture"
Explanation: "The reverse was for" is less formal and slightly awkward. "The opposite was true for" is more direct and formal.
"All the three fields converged in 1980 with 40 million." -> "All three sectors converged in 1980 at 40 million."
Explanation: "All the three fields" is redundant and informal; "All three sectors" is more concise and formal. Adding "at" before the number clarifies that it refers to the point of convergence.
"the considerable changes could be seen" -> "significant changes were evident"
Explanation: "Could be seen" is passive and less direct; "were evident" is more assertive and suitable for academic writing.
"the amount of manufacturing suddenly dipped to around 18 million" -> "manufacturing employment suddenly dropped to approximately 18 million"
Explanation: "The amount of" is less specific; "manufacturing employment" is more precise. "Dropped" is more formal than "dipped."
"it is anticipated to hit one of the two lowest positions" -> "it is projected to reach one of the lowest positions"
Explanation: "Hit" is informal and less precise; "reach" is more formal and appropriate for describing future outcomes. "Anticipated" can be replaced with "projected" for a more academic tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the line graph. It identifies the key features of the graph, such as the convergence of the three fields in 1980 and the reversal of trends in manufacturing and services after 1980. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that agriculture dropped to 42 million in 1977-1979, but the graph shows that it dropped to around 30 million.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details about the trends in the graph. The writer could also focus on providing a clearer overview of the main trends, rather than simply recounting the data mechanically. For example, the writer could state that the number of jobs in manufacturing and services increased steadily from 1975 to 1980, but then declined sharply after 1980. The writer could also provide more specific information about the projected trends in the future. For example, the writer could state that the number of jobs in services is projected to increase to 90 million in 2025, while the number of jobs in manufacturing and agriculture is projected to remain relatively low.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression of the trends in employment across the three sectors. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is faulty or mechanical, leading to some confusion in the narrative. For example, phrases like "there is a point that the figures of those three fields converge" could be clearer. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped together for clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that each sentence flows logically into the next. Improving the clarity of referencing and substitution would also help in reducing repetition and enhancing the overall organization of ideas. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are logically structured around central topics will contribute to a clearer progression throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "joblessness" instead of "employment" and "amount of manufacturing" which should be "number of manufacturing jobs." There are also errors in spelling and word formation, such as "1o million" instead of "10 million" and "the number of agriculture" which is awkwardly phrased. While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately and appropriately. This includes ensuring correct word forms and collocations. Additionally, practicing the use of synonyms and more precise terms can help convey meanings more effectively. Reducing spelling errors and improving overall fluency in vocabulary usage will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent, with several errors present. For instance, phrases like "the amount of manufacturing and services recorded a slight increase" and "the number of agriculture" are awkward and not standard English usage. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization (e.g., "But" at the beginning of a sentence). These errors do not significantly hinder communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Improve Grammatical Accuracy: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and proper noun usage (e.g., "the number of agricultural jobs" instead of "the number of agriculture").
Punctuation and Clarity: Use punctuation more effectively to clarify meaning and improve the flow of the essay. For example, consider breaking up longer sentences or using commas to separate clauses.
Proofreading: Review the essay for minor errors and awkward phrasing that could be corrected to enhance overall readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The trends in terms of employment in the USA across three different sectors (manufacturing, services, and agriculture) and projections for the future are illustrated by the given line graph.

In general, there is a significant change in the ranking of the three sectors. Notably, the only field that exhibits an upward trend is services, while the other two sectors show a decline. It is worth mentioning that the figures for these three fields converge at one point.

In the initial period from 1975 to 1977, the number of jobs in manufacturing and services recorded a slight increase of around 10 million. There was no change in the number of jobs in agriculture during this period, remaining steady at 80 million. However, in the subsequent period (1977 – 1979), employment in agriculture dropped to 42 million—approximately half of the initial figure and significantly lower than the increases observed in the other two sectors. Simultaneously, both manufacturing and services rose by about 5 million during this time. From 1979 to 1980, the upward trends in manufacturing and services continued, while agriculture experienced a decline. All three sectors converged in 1980, each reaching 40 million.

After 1980, considerable changes were observed in the three sectors. Despite following a similar pattern initially, the trends in manufacturing and services completely reversed after 1980. In the period from 1980 to 1982, employment in manufacturing suddenly dipped to around 18 million and was projected to decline further in the following years. In contrast, employment in services continued to increase, with projections indicating it would reach 90 million by 2025. Regarding agriculture, employment plummeted and is anticipated to occupy one of the two lowest positions by 2025. The other sector expected to be at a low point is manufacturing, with both sectors projected to have around 10 million jobs, equaling the initial figures.