The line graph and pie chart below show information on crime in the UK for the last year. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph and pie chart below show information on crime in the UK for the last year.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The former diagram depicts how crime rate links with age and the latter table illustrates what types crime relating to. Both of these surveys were commenced in British last year.
Overall, the rate of crime hit the highest point between the period of 12 and 28 years old. A similar pattern was witnessed in the case of violent crime. Additionally, the opposite was true with the figures of crime rate between the age of 0 to 8 and public order crime.
As is presented in the first chart, there was no crimes at the age of 0 to 8. Mean while, the number of crimes between 12 and 28 years old was the highest, with the maximum figure of 80 percent., which was far higher than that of the 32 to 40's counterpart by a gap of approximately 60 percent. What is more, the figures of crimes between 44 to 64 years old were nearly the same, which was around 10 percent.
Turning to the second graph, it is clear that the major type of crime in the UK was vicious crime, at 46 percent, 2 times as much as the percentage of property crime. Moreover, 22 percent of crime related to drug while the proportion of public order crime was only 9 percent, which became the lowest figure of this survey.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "depicts how crime rate links with age" -> "illustrates the correlation between crime rates and age"
   Explanation: "Depicts how crime rate links with age" is somewhat informal and lacks precision. "Illustrates the correlation between crime rates and age" provides a clearer and more sophisticated description.

2. "types crime relating to" -> "types of crime related to"
   Explanation: "Types crime relating to" is grammatically incorrect. "Types of crime related to" is the correct phrasing, indicating possession and maintaining clarity.

3. "were commenced in British last year" -> "were conducted in Britain last year"
   Explanation: "Were commenced in British last year" is awkward and unclear. "Were conducted in Britain last year" is more concise and accurately conveys the idea of conducting surveys.

4. "hit the highest point" -> "peaked"
   Explanation: "Hit the highest point" is somewhat redundant and less precise. "Peaked" is a more concise and appropriate term to describe reaching the highest level.

5. "A similar pattern was witnessed in the case of violent crime" -> "A comparable pattern was observed regarding violent crime"
   Explanation: "Witnessed" is somewhat informal. "Observed" is a more formal and precise term. "A comparable pattern" enhances clarity and sophistication compared to "similar."

6. "the opposite was true with the figures of crime rate" -> "the inverse was true for the crime rate figures"
   Explanation: "The opposite was true with the figures of crime rate" is awkwardly phrased. "The inverse was true for the crime rate figures" is clearer and more concise.

7. "there was no crimes" -> "there were no crimes"
   Explanation: "There was no crimes" is grammatically incorrect. "There were no crimes" is the correct form, maintaining subject-verb agreement.

8. "Mean while" -> "Meanwhile"
   Explanation: "Mean while" is incorrect. "Meanwhile" is the correct term to indicate a transition or passage of time.

9. "with the maximum figure of 80 percent., which was far higher than that of the 32 to 40’s counterpart by a gap of approximately 60 percent" -> "with a maximum figure of 80 percent, significantly surpassing that of the 32 to 40 age group by nearly 60 percent"
   Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. Simplifying and rephrasing it improves readability and comprehension.

10. "figures of crimes between 44 to 64 years old" -> "crime figures for individuals aged 44 to 64"
    Explanation: "Figures of crimes between 44 to 64 years old" is awkward. "Crime figures for individuals aged 44 to 64" is a more concise and precise phrasing.

11. "Turning to the second graph" -> "Referring to the second graph"
    Explanation: "Turning to" is slightly informal. "Referring to" is a more formal and appropriate transition in this context.

12. "vicious crime" -> "violent crime"
    Explanation: "Vicious crime" is not a standard term. "Violent crime" is the correct and more widely recognized phrase.

13. "2 times as much as" -> "twice as much as"
    Explanation: "2 times as much as" is less formal. "Twice as much as" is the preferred phrasing in more formal writing.

14. "22 percent of crime related to drug" -> "22 percent of crime related to drugs"
    Explanation: "Drug" should be plural to match the plural noun "crimes." "22 percent of crime related to drugs" is the grammatically correct form.

15. "the lowest figure of this survey" -> "the lowest proportion in this survey"
    Explanation: "Figure" may imply numerical representation, whereas "proportion" is more appropriate when discussing percentages. Additionally, "in" is more precise than "of" in this context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

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Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the provided charts. It provides an overview of the crime rates based on age groups and the types of crime. However, there are several issues that prevent it from achieving a higher band score. The essay lacks clarity and coherence in presenting the information, with some confusing sentences and inaccuracies. Additionally, there is a lack of comparison between the data points, as the essay only focuses on describing each chart separately.
How to improve: Focus on providing a clearer and more organized summary of the data, ensuring that key points are clearly presented and comparisons are made where relevant. Pay attention to sentence structure and accuracy of information to avoid confusion. Additionally, aim to integrate the information from both charts more effectively to provide a more comprehensive analysis.]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0
Explanation: The essay presents information on crime rates based on age and types of crime in the UK. However, the organization lacks coherence and progression. The essay fails to establish a clear structure and progression of ideas. It jumps between different aspects of the data without a logical flow. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is basic and sometimes inaccurate, hindering the clarity of the essay.
How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing ideas logically. Start with an introduction that outlines what the essay will discuss, then proceed with clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Use cohesive devices such as transition words and pronouns effectively to connect ideas. Ensure proper paragraphing to enhance readability and coherence. Also, pay attention to accurate referencing and avoid repetitive phrases for a more cohesive presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, incorporating terms related to crime and age demographics. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "vicious crime" and "public order crime," although some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present. For instance, "surveys were commenced" could be improved to "surveys were conducted," and "figures of crime rate" could be revised to "crime rates." Additionally, there are errors in word formation and spelling, such as "mean while" instead of "meanwhile" and "counterpart" which seems awkwardly used. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource, focus on using vocabulary accurately and appropriately. Try to vary word choice and utilize precise terminology related to the topic. Proofread carefully to correct spelling and word formation errors, ensuring coherence and clarity in expression. Additionally, aim for smoother transitions between ideas to improve overall cohesion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex forms. There are instances of complex sentences, but they tend to be less accurate, resulting in grammatical errors that can cause some difficulty for the reader. While some sentences are error-free, there are frequent grammatical errors throughout the essay, and punctuation is often faulty. The meaning is sometimes distorted due to these errors.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on constructing more accurate complex sentences and pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation. Review the use of conjunctions and subordinating clauses to create more cohesive and error-free sentences. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes will enhance clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided visuals depict crime statistics in the UK over the past year, with one graph illustrating the correlation between crime rates and age groups, and the other presenting the distribution of crime types.

Overall, the highest incidence of crime occurred within the age range of 12 to 28 years, particularly in the category of violent crime. Conversely, minimal criminal activity was recorded among individuals aged 0 to 8, as well as in public order offenses.

Referring to the first graph, it is evident that there were no reported crimes among those aged 0 to 8. Conversely, the age group of 12 to 28 years exhibited the highest crime rate, peaking at 80 percent, significantly surpassing the 32 to 40 age bracket by approximately 60 percent. Moreover, the incidence of crime remained relatively stable among individuals aged 44 to 64 years, hovering around 10 percent.

Turning to the second graph, it is notable that violent crime constituted the majority of offenses in the UK, accounting for 46 percent of all reported incidents, twice the percentage of property crimes. Additionally, drug-related offenses comprised 22 percent of total crimes, while public order offenses represented the lowest proportion at 9 percent.

Overall, these visuals provide a comprehensive overview of crime trends in the UK, highlighting the prominence of violent crime and its correlation with specific age groups.