The line graph below provides information about the incomes of four restaurants in a city in 2010

The given line chart shows an overview of the revenues of four urban restaurants in the year of 2010.
It is readily apparent that the amount of money generated by Delicacy, Evening Paradise and Grand Fiesta restaurants had an upward trend in 2010. Whereas, after 12 – month alterations, the income of Spicy Fortune tended to decrease sharply.
As can be observed in the line chart, the revenue of Spicy Fortune oscillated between 120 and $160,000 in the first half of the year. Since then, It was almost the same from June to September in the range of $120,000 to $130,000, before rising gradually in October. After that, a dramatic fall to approximately $45,000 was witnessed in the earnings of this restaurant in termination the year 2010, making it was the lowest in 4 types of restaurants in the city.
By stark contrast, the income of the remainders had different upward trends. Although they had unusual changes in the first 4 months of the period, they still tending to increase in the last 2 months. In the initial seven months, Delicacy experienced fluctuations in its income, ranging between $20,000 and $40,000. Subsequently, over the following four months, its revenue continued to vary before witnessing a sharp ascent, ultimately reaching its pinnacle at $120,000, marking the highest earnings achieved within the year.
On the other hand, Evening Paradise's income exhibited a steady incline until July, followed by a minor downturn in the subsequent two months. However, it surged dramatically, culminating in a record-breaking revenue of $190,000, surpassing its counterparts significantly at the end of the timescale. Meanwhile, Grand Fiesta's income remained relatively stable, initially experiencing a slight decrease from $100,000 to a low point just below $80,000 in June. Nonetheless, it gradually recovered, eventually plateauing at an impressive level, hovering just shy of $140,000 over the last six months.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the revenues of four urban restaurants" -> "the revenue streams of four urban restaurants"
Explanation: "Revenue streams" is a more precise and sophisticated term for the income generated by businesses, emphasizing the multiple sources of income within each restaurant.
"had an upward trend" -> "exhibited an upward trajectory"
Explanation: "Exhibited an upward trajectory" conveys a more formal tone and emphasizes the directional movement of the revenue over time.
"after 12 – month alterations" -> "following twelve-month fluctuations"
Explanation: "Fluctuations" is a more precise term to describe changes in revenue, and "twelve-month" is hyphenated for clarity.
"tended to decrease sharply" -> "experienced a sharp decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a sharp decline" is a stronger and more concise phrase to describe a significant decrease in revenue.
"As can be observed" -> "As depicted"
Explanation: "As depicted" is a more formal and precise phrase for referring to information presented in a visual aid like a chart.
"It was almost the same" -> "It remained relatively consistent"
Explanation: "Remained relatively consistent" conveys the idea of stability more effectively than "almost the same."
"in termination the year 2010" -> "at the end of the year 2010"
Explanation: "At the end of the year 2010" is a clearer and more standard way to describe the conclusion of the time period.
"By stark contrast" -> "In stark contrast"
Explanation: "In stark contrast" is the more idiomatic phrase to introduce a sharp contrast between two situations.
"the remainders" -> "the remaining restaurants"
Explanation: "The remaining restaurants" is a clearer and more formal way to refer to the other restaurants not previously mentioned.
"tending to increase" -> "showing an upward trend"
Explanation: "Showing an upward trend" is a more precise and formal way to describe the direction of the revenue changes.
"initial seven months" -> "first seven months"
Explanation: "First seven months" is a more concise and standard expression for the beginning portion of a time period.
"its pinnacle" -> "its peak"
Explanation: "Its peak" is a more common and concise term to describe the highest point reached by something.
"exhibited a steady incline" -> "showed a steady increase"
Explanation: "Showed a steady increase" is a clearer and more direct way to describe consistent growth in revenue.
"culminating in a record-breaking revenue" -> "resulting in record-breaking revenue"
Explanation: "Resulting in record-breaking revenue" more accurately reflects the cause-and-effect relationship between the steady increase and the ultimate achievement of record-breaking revenue.
"surpassing its counterparts significantly" -> "significantly surpassing its counterparts"
Explanation: "Significantly surpassing its counterparts" places emphasis on the substantial difference between Evening Paradise’s revenue and that of its competitors.
"initially experiencing a slight decrease" -> "initially witnessing a slight decline"
Explanation: "Initially witnessing a slight decline" is a more dynamic and active phrase that captures the early decrease in revenue more vividly.
"hovering just shy of $140,000" -> "hovering slightly below $140,000"
Explanation: "Hovering slightly below $140,000" provides a clearer indication of the proximity of the revenue to the specified amount.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the incomes of the four restaurants. It presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences, or stages in the incomes, mentioning the upward trend for Delicacy, Evening Paradise, and Grand Fiesta, and the sharp decrease for Spicy Fortune. The key features and bullet points are highlighted clearly and appropriately.

How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide more detailed and specific data from the graph to support the description of the trends. Additionally, it could enhance the analysis by discussing possible reasons for the trends, such as changes in management, location, or marketing strategies.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression from describing each restaurant’s income trend to comparing them. There is logical organization, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there are instances where cohesion within sentences could be improved for smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, while the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, there are some instances of repetitive phrasing, such as "income" and "revenue," which could be varied for better flow. Paragraphing is mostly logical, though there could be clearer breaks between different aspects of the analysis.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs by using a wider range of cohesive devices. Vary sentence structures and vocabulary to avoid repetition and maintain reader engagement. Consider refining paragraph structure to create clearer breaks between different aspects of the analysis, making it easier for readers to follow the progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, incorporating varied terminology related to revenue and trends. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary such as "oscillated," "culminating," and "plateauing," which enhances the lexical resource. However, there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing that slightly detract from lexical sophistication.

How to improve: To improve the score, focus on refining the accuracy and appropriateness of less common vocabulary usage. Additionally, pay attention to word choice and phrasing to ensure clarity and precision throughout the essay. Further development of vocabulary related to describing trends and comparisons could enhance lexical richness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, which is characteristic of Band 6. The candidate attempts to vary their sentence structure but occasionally falls into repetitive patterns. There is a mix of sentence lengths and types, with some attempts at using complex structures, such as subordinate clauses and participial phrases. However, there are also instances of overly simple sentences that could benefit from more complexity.

While there are errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, they do not significantly hinder communication. The candidate makes some errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("it was was the lowest") and awkward phrasing ("making it was the lowest"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("As can be observed in the line chart") and inconsistent use of commas in compound sentences.

How to improve:
To improve the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy, the candidate should focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures consistently throughout the essay. This can include using more complex sentences with subordinate clauses, participial phrases, and relative clauses to convey information more effectively. Additionally, attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation consistency will help elevate the overall clarity and coherence of the writing. Regular practice with sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy can aid in achieving a higher band score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The presented line chart illustrates the revenue trends of four urban restaurants throughout the year 2010. It is evident that Delicacy, Evening Paradise, and Grand Fiesta experienced an upward trajectory in their incomes during this period, while Spicy Fortune witnessed a notable decline.

Spicy Fortune’s revenue fluctuated between $120,000 and $160,000 in the first half of the year. Subsequently, it remained relatively stable between $120,000 and $130,000 from June to September before experiencing a gradual increase in October. However, the income sharply plummeted to approximately $45,000 by the end of the year, marking the lowest among the four restaurants.

In contrast, the remaining establishments demonstrated varied upward trends. Delicacy encountered fluctuations in revenue during the initial seven months, ranging between $20,000 and $40,000. However, it experienced a sharp ascent in the subsequent four months, reaching its peak at $120,000.

Evening Paradise’s income showed a consistent increase until July, followed by a minor downturn in the following two months. Nevertheless, it experienced a significant surge, reaching a record-breaking revenue of $190,000 by the end of the year, surpassing its counterparts significantly.

Meanwhile, Grand Fiesta’s income remained relatively stable, with a slight decrease observed from $100,000 to just below $80,000 in June. However, it gradually recovered and maintained a steady level, hovering around $140,000 over the last six months.