The line graph below shows the average cost of monthly contract for four different mobile (cell phones) in a European country from January to September 2002, measured in euro

The line graph illustrates the medium price of monthly contract for four types of mobile in a particular European country between January and September in 2002,with euro is the unit measurement.As can be seen from the graph,there was two trend including upwards and downwards.Additionally,alpha had the lowest number in the cost used to contract in January but at the end of the period examined this figures was the highest.
In particular,lex and alpha had the similar patterns.lex was fluctuated over the period examined and increased to around 10 euros in September 2002.Besides,alpha steadily rose from 5 euros to approximately 7 euros between January and april 2002.After that the price used to contract in a month for alpha minimally declined to 5 euros in June 2002 and dramatically grew to 25 euros at the end of the period which become the highest cost used to contract in September 2002.
By contrast,domo was the most expensive monthly contract at the begin of the period.However it slightly increased to 25 euros in July and slowly increased to become the second expensive sort of mobile used to contract at the end of the period.Similarly,the Sim TX fluctuated from 9 euros to 14 euros between January and June.After that a dramatic decrease in the cost of Sim TX to 7 euros at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates" -> "The graph illustrates"
Explanation: Removing "The line" simplifies the phrase while maintaining clarity and formality, as "graph" is sufficient to convey the type of visual representation.
"with euro is the unit measurement" -> "with the unit of measurement being the euro"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure and corrects the grammatical awkwardness of the original, making it more formal and precise.
"there was two trend" -> "there were two trends"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from "was" to "were" to agree with the plural noun "trends."
"this figures was the highest" -> "this figure was the highest"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from "figures" (plural) to "figure" (singular) to match the singular context.
"lex and alpha had the similar patterns" -> "lex and alpha exhibited similar patterns"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more precise and academically appropriate than "had," which is too informal and vague for this context.
"fluctuated over the period examined" -> "varied over the examined period"
Explanation: "Varied" is more specific and academically suitable than "fluctuated," which can imply random or uncontrolled changes.
"increased to around 10 euros" -> "rose to approximately 10 euros"
Explanation: "Rose" is a more formal synonym for "increased," and "approximately" is more precise than "around."
"dramatically grew" -> "dramatically increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is more specific and appropriate in this context, avoiding the emotional connotation of "grew."
"which become the highest cost" -> "which became the highest cost"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense from "become" to "became" to match the past tense of the sentence.
"the most expensive monthly contract at the begin of the period" -> "the most expensive monthly contract at the beginning of the period"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "begin" to "beginning" and uses the more formal "of the period" instead of "at the begin."
"slowly increased to become the second expensive sort of mobile used to contract" -> "gradually rose to become the second most expensive type of mobile phone used for contracts"
Explanation: "Gradually" and "rose" are more precise and formal than "slowly" and "increased," and "type of mobile phone used for contracts" is more specific and formal than "sort of mobile used to contract."
"Sim TX fluctuated from 9 euros to 14 euros" -> "Sim TX varied from 9 euros to 14 euros"
Explanation: "Varied" is more specific than "fluctuated" in this context, suggesting a change in value without implying randomness.
"a dramatic decrease in the cost of Sim TX to 7 euros" -> "a significant decrease in the cost of Sim TX to 7 euros"
Explanation: "Significant" is more appropriate and less sensational than "dramatic," aligning better with academic style.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. Instead, it recounts details mechanically, focusing on individual data points rather than the overall patterns. The essay also presents some key features/bullet points, but it does not adequately cover them. For example, the essay mentions that "lex and alpha had the similar patterns," but it does not provide any specific details about these patterns.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the cost of mobile contracts generally increased over the period, but that there were some exceptions. The essay could also provide more specific details about the key features/bullet points, such as the fact that the cost of alpha contracts increased dramatically in the last few months of the period. The essay should also avoid using informal language, such as "Additionally" and "Besides." Instead, the essay should use more formal language, such as "Furthermore" and "Moreover."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some attempt at organizing information with basic coherence. There is an overall attempt to describe the trends shown in the graph, but the progression is not entirely clear. The use of cohesive devices is limited and sometimes inaccurate, leading to some confusion in following the ideas. Paragraphing is attempted but lacks consistency and logical structure, which affects the flow of information.

How to improve:

Organizational Structure: Ensure a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Present information in a logical sequence that reflects the data in the graph.
Cohesive Devices: Use a variety of cohesive devices such as linking words (e.g., "in addition," "however"), referencing (e.g., "the former," "the latter"), and substitutions (e.g., "this trend," "these figures") to improve coherence.
Paragraphing: Divide the essay into coherent paragraphs, each focusing on a clear central topic related to the data from the graph. Ensure paragraphs are logically structured with clear topic sentences and supporting details.

By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its coherence and cohesion to achieve a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, but it is minimally adequate. There are noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation throughout the essay. For instance, "medium" should be "average," "had the lowest number in the cost used to contract" is awkwardly phrased, and "sim" should be "SIM." These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource score:

Increase vocabulary range: Introduce more varied and appropriate vocabulary related to describing trends, graphs, and economic terms.
Work on accuracy: Focus on correct word choice, spelling, and word formation to enhance clarity and precision in conveying ideas.
Practice collocation: Use collocations and phrasing that are commonly associated with the topic of mobile contracts and data trends.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of sentence structures, including simple and some complex forms. There is an effort to incorporate complex sentences, although accuracy tends to suffer in these instances. The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation faults throughout, which at times hinder comprehension. The errors are frequent and varied, affecting the overall clarity and coherence of the text.

How to improve:

Sentence Structure: Work on using a wider variety of sentence structures with greater accuracy. Aim to incorporate complex sentences more consistently and correctly.
Grammar and Punctuation: Focus on improving grammar accuracy and punctuation. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and correct usage of punctuation marks.
Clarity and Coherence: Ensure that sentences and paragraphs are logically connected and flow smoothly. Review each sentence to ensure it clearly communicates the intended meaning without unnecessary errors.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve greater clarity and meet the requirements for higher band scores in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the average monthly contract costs for four different types of mobile phones in a European country from January to September 2002, measured in euros.

Overall, there are varying trends in the costs of these mobile contracts during the specified period. Alpha started with the lowest cost in January but saw a substantial increase to 25 euros by September, marking the highest among all types by the end of the period. Lex followed a fluctuating pattern, reaching approximately 10 euros in September.

Similarly, Domo began as the most expensive at the start of the period, experienced a slight rise to 25 euros in July, and ended as the second most expensive type by September. Sim TX showed fluctuations from 9 euros in January to 7 euros by the end of the period, with a notable decrease in costs from June onwards.

In summary, while Alpha showed a significant rise in monthly contract costs over the period, Lex, Domo, and Sim TX also displayed varying trends with different peak costs throughout the months.