The line graph below shows the percentage of people in Africa subscribing to mobile and fixed-line phones from 1994 to 2004.

The given line graph illustrates the proportion Africans who subscribe to mobile and fixed-line telephones from 1994 to 2004
Overall, it is noticeable that the percentage of mobile users per 100 inhabitants ascended. temporarily in a period shown while, fixed- line phones rose up modestly
In 1994, the & line graph show that the figure of fixed-lined phone subscribers accounted for approximately 1,7, showing a very gradual increase through a decade . And it experienced at 3.1 in 2004, compared to statistics of mobile phones per 100 Inhabitants from 1994 to 1998 which grew steadily to about 0,09,
In contrast, an upward trend was seen in Africa subscribing to mobile, which increasing soaring significantly from 1999.10 2004. Moreover, it remained the highest figure which experienced 8. 8 in 2004. A. Meanwhile, the proportion of the fixed-lined phoned show a limited growth but the mobile subscribers demonstrates a soar in ten-year period in Africa.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line graph illustrates" -> "The graph illustrates"
Explanation: Removing "The given" simplifies the phrase and aligns better with academic style, which typically avoids unnecessary prepositions and adjectives unless they add meaning.
"Africans who subscribe" -> "African users who subscribe"
Explanation: "Africans" is too broad and imprecise; "African users" specifies the subject more accurately and appropriately in an academic context.
"mobile and fixed-line telephones" -> "mobile and fixed-line telephone services"
Explanation: Using "telephone services" instead of "telephones" is more precise and appropriate for discussing the type of service rather than the devices themselves.
"ascended. temporarily" -> "temporarily increased"
Explanation: "Ascended" is not typically used in this context; "increased" is more appropriate and natural in academic writing.
"rose up modestly" -> "increased modestly"
Explanation: "Rose up" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing; "increased" is straightforward and formal.
"the & line graph show" -> "the graph shows"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error and simplifies the phrase for clarity and formality.
"the figure of fixed-lined phone subscribers" -> "the number of fixed-line phone subscribers"
Explanation: "Figure" is vague; "number" is more precise and appropriate in this context.
"showing a very gradual increase through a decade" -> "showing a gradual increase over a decade"
Explanation: "Through" is incorrect; "over" is the correct preposition for indicating a period of time.
"experienced at 3.1" -> "reached 3.1"
Explanation: "Experienced" is incorrect in this context; "reached" is the correct verb for describing the attainment of a level.
"statistics of mobile phones per 100 Inhabitants" -> "statistics on mobile phone usage per 100 inhabitants"
Explanation: "Statistics of" is awkward and unclear; "statistics on" is the correct preposition, and "usage" is a more precise term than "phones."
"which grew steadily to about 0,09" -> "which steadily increased to approximately 0.09"
Explanation: "Grew" is too informal and vague; "increased" is more precise, and "approximately" is more formal than "about."
"an upward trend was seen in Africa subscribing to mobile" -> "an upward trend was observed in mobile phone adoption in Africa"
Explanation: "Subscribing to" is awkward and unclear; "adoption" is the correct term for describing the process of taking up a technology.
"increasing soaring significantly" -> "increasing significantly"
Explanation: "Soaring" is an exaggeration and not typically used in formal writing; "increasing" is sufficient and appropriate.
"the highest figure which experienced 8. 8" -> "the highest figure, which was 8.8"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error and clarifies the structure of the sentence.
"the proportion of the fixed-lined phoned" -> "the proportion of fixed-line phone subscriptions"
Explanation: "Phoned" is incorrect; "subscriptions" is the correct term for describing the type of service.
"the mobile subscribers demonstrates a soar" -> "mobile subscribers demonstrated a significant increase"
Explanation: "Demonstrates" should be past tense to match the time frame discussed, and "significant increase" is more precise than "soar."

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as the statement that the percentage of mobile users per 100 inhabitants ascended temporarily in a period shown.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. For example, the essay should state that the percentage of mobile users per 100 inhabitants increased steadily from 1994 to 2004, rather than saying that it ascended temporarily. The essay should also avoid using informal language, such as "soaring" and "demonstrates a soar." Instead, the essay should use more formal language, such as "increased significantly" and "showed a rapid increase."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in mobile and fixed-line phone subscriptions, the ideas are not clearly articulated, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, with instances of inaccurate or repetitive language. Additionally, the paragraphing is inadequate, as the flow between ideas is disrupted, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas into distinct paragraphs, each with a central topic. Improving the accuracy and variety of cohesive devices will also help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, using precise language and avoiding grammatical errors will strengthen the overall clarity of the essay. Finally, ensuring that the progression of ideas is logical and easy to follow will contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While there are attempts to use some less common vocabulary, inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are evident. For example, phrases like "ascended temporarily" and "the & line graph show" indicate a lack of precision and control. Additionally, there are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as "fixed-lined" instead of "fixed-line" and "1,7" instead of "1.7," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the vocabulary used does not consistently convey the intended meaning clearly.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring accurate word choice. Practicing the use of synonyms and collocations can help convey precise meanings more effectively. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors is crucial to avoid mistakes that could impede communication. Engaging with high-quality writing samples and incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary in practice essays can also lead to improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with attempts at complex sentences that are often inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in punctuation and sentence structure, which can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. For example, phrases like "ascended. temporarily" and "the & line graph show" indicate issues with coherence and clarity. Additionally, the use of numerical data is inconsistent and sometimes incorrect, which detracts from the overall accuracy of the information presented.
How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Enhance Sentence Structure: Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Punctuation and Spelling: Pay close attention to punctuation rules and spelling to avoid errors that can confuse the reader. For instance, replacing commas with periods in numerical contexts (e.g., "1,7" should be "1.7") is crucial.
Clarity and Cohesion: Work on the clarity of ideas by linking sentences more effectively and ensuring that each sentence logically follows from the previous one.
Proofreading: Implement a proofreading stage to catch and correct errors before finalizing the essay. This can help in identifying awkward phrases and grammatical mistakes.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the proportion of Africans who subscribe to mobile and fixed-line telephones from 1994 to 2004.

Overall, it is noticeable that the percentage of mobile users per 100 inhabitants ascended temporarily during the period shown, while fixed-line phones rose modestly.

In 1994, the line graph shows that the figure for fixed-line phone subscribers accounted for approximately 1.7, indicating a very gradual increase over the decade. It experienced an increase to 3.1 in 2004, compared to the statistics for mobile phones per 100 inhabitants from 1994 to 1998, which grew steadily to about 0.9.

In contrast, an upward trend was seen in the number of Africans subscribing to mobile phones, which soared significantly from 1999 to 2004. Moreover, it reached the highest figure of 8.8 in 2004. Meanwhile, the proportion of fixed-line phone subscribers showed limited growth, while mobile subscribers demonstrated a significant increase over the ten-year period in Africa.