The line graph gives information about the numbers of participants in five different activities at a social center in Australia over 20 years from 2000.

The line graph illustrates the number of Australians who took part in five various activities at a social center over 20 years from 2000. Overall, the number of participants in the film club and material arts tended to remain stable while changes were observed in the remaining figures. Additionally, the film club came first with the highest number of members while amateur dramatics took the lowest place.

With respect to the stable figures, in 2000, the film club attracted approximately 64 members. This number then dropped slightly to 60 in 2010 before experiencing a recovery to 65 at the end of the period. Likewise, the number of people who attended material arts courses witnessed minimal fluctuations, ranging from 30 to 40 individuals over the 20-year period.

Regarding the more fluctuating figures, initially, only about 16 people enrolled in table tennis courses. The first half of this period saw an insignificant climb; however, this figure tripled to almost 55 attendees in 2020. Similarly, the music performances also climbed continuously to 20 members in 15 years despite appearing later. Meanwhile, there were 25 people joining the amateur dramatics club in 2000. The first 5 years witnessed a hike to 29 members engaging in this activity before a plunge was seen in its figure over the next 15 years, ending at roughly 6 members.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in academic writing, enhancing the description of the visual representation.
"took part in" -> "participated in"
Explanation: "Participated in" is more formal and academically appropriate than "took part in," which is somewhat informal and less precise.
"five various activities" -> "five distinct activities"
Explanation: "Distinct" is more precise and formal than "various," which can be vague and less specific.
"tended to remain stable" -> "remained relatively stable"
Explanation: "Remained relatively stable" is a more precise and academically formal way to describe the consistency of the data over time.
"came first with the highest number of members" -> "led with the largest number of participants"
Explanation: "Led" is a more formal verb than "came first," and "participants" is more specific than "members" in this context.
"took the lowest place" -> "had the lowest participation"
Explanation: "Had the lowest participation" is more specific and formal, avoiding the colloquial tone of "took the lowest place."
"With respect to the stable figures," -> "Regarding the stable trends"
Explanation: "Regarding the stable trends" is more formal and precise, focusing on the patterns rather than just the figures.
"This number then dropped slightly to 60" -> "This number subsequently decreased to 60"
Explanation: "Subsequently decreased" is more formal and precise than "dropped slightly," which is somewhat informal.
"Likewise, the number of people who attended material arts courses witnessed minimal fluctuations" -> "Similarly, the number of individuals participating in material arts courses exhibited minimal fluctuations"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more precise and formal than "witnessed," and "individuals participating" is more specific than "people who attended."
"initially, only about 16 people enrolled" -> "initially, approximately 16 individuals enrolled"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal than "about," and "individuals" is preferred in academic writing over "people" in this context.
"The first half of this period saw an insignificant climb" -> "The initial period saw a modest increase"
Explanation: "A modest increase" is more formal and precise than "an insignificant climb," which may imply triviality.
"this figure tripled to almost 55 attendees" -> "this figure increased to nearly 55 participants"
Explanation: "Increased to nearly" is more formal than "tripled to almost," and "participants" is more specific than "attendees."
"Similarly, the music performances also climbed continuously" -> "Concurrently, the music performances also continued to rise"
Explanation: "Concurrently" is more precise than "similarly," and "continued to rise" is a more formal expression than "climbed continuously."
"appeared later" -> "emerged later"
Explanation: "Emerged" is more formal and academically appropriate than "appeared," which can be vague.
"a hike to 29 members engaging in this activity" -> "an increase to 29 participants in this activity"
Explanation: "An increase" is more formal than "a hike," and "participants" is more specific than "members."
"a plunge was seen in its figure" -> "a decline was observed in its numbers"
Explanation: "A decline was observed" is more formal and precise than "a plunge was seen," and "numbers" is more specific than "figure."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the line graph. It accurately identifies the two activities that remained stable and the three that fluctuated. The essay also highlights the key features of the graph, such as the highest and lowest number of participants.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the fluctuations in the three activities that changed. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in table tennis courses tripled over the 20-year period, or that the number of participants in amateur dramatics club decreased by almost 20 members. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends. For example, instead of saying that the number of participants in the film club "dropped slightly," the essay could say that the number of participants decreased by 4 members.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a generally coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. The use of cohesive devices is effective, but there are instances where cohesion within sentences could be improved, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance clarity and organization. Each paragraph presents a central topic, but transitions between ideas could be smoother to aid reader comprehension.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow of ideas by using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively. This could include varying the types of linking words and phrases used to connect sentences and ideas. Additionally, improving the logical structure of paragraphs by ensuring that each one transitions smoothly to the next will help clarify the progression of information. Finally, ensuring that all references are clear and appropriately used will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, using terms like "illustrates," "attracted," "fluctuations," and "engaging." However, there are instances of inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "material arts" instead of "martial arts" and "hike" which may not be the most appropriate term in this context. Additionally, there are some minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "material arts" and "amateur dramatics club," which could be improved for clarity. Overall, while the vocabulary is adequate for conveying the main ideas, it lacks the precision and sophistication needed for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range by incorporating more sophisticated and precise terms. They should also ensure correct usage of less common vocabulary and pay attention to collocation. Practicing synonyms and varying expressions can help avoid repetition and improve the overall fluency of the essay. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors will help ensure clarity and accuracy in communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences, which is characteristic of a Band 7 performance. The writer effectively communicates the information from the line graph with a clear structure and logical progression. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall accuracy, such as "material arts" instead of "martial arts" and "witnessed minimal fluctuations" which could be expressed more clearly. These issues indicate that while there is good control of grammar and punctuation, the occasional errors prevent a higher score.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors and awkward phrasing. Increasing the variety of sentence structures and ensuring that all terms are used correctly will also help. Additionally, practicing complex sentence forms and ensuring that they are used accurately can improve both grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the number of Australians who participated in five different activities at a social center over a period of 20 years, starting from 2000. Overall, the number of participants in the film club and martial arts tended to remain stable, while changes were observed in the remaining figures. Additionally, the film club had the highest number of members, while amateur dramatics recorded the lowest participation.

With respect to the stable figures, in 2000, the film club attracted approximately 64 members. This number then dropped slightly to 60 in 2010 before experiencing a recovery to 65 by the end of the period. Likewise, the number of people attending martial arts courses witnessed minimal fluctuations, ranging from 30 to 40 individuals over the 20-year span.

Regarding the more fluctuating figures, initially, only about 16 people enrolled in table tennis courses. The first half of this period saw a slight increase; however, this figure tripled to almost 55 attendees in 2020. Similarly, music performances also increased steadily to 20 members over 15 years, despite starting later. Meanwhile, there were 25 people joining the amateur dramatics club in 2000. The first five years witnessed a rise to 29 members participating in this activity before a significant decline occurred over the next 15 years, ending at roughly 6 members.