The line graph gives information about the proportion of people who engaged in outside hobbies concluding picnicking, camping, horse riding, walking, cycling and water activities.

Overall, while picnicking dominated the chart, the percentage of attendants horse riding
hold steady over the time period. Additonally, remaining leisure interest depicts notable fluctuation during the period.

In terms of sports demand transports, a number of people joining cycling slightly ascended through the time period and ends up with almost 30%. In contrast, horse riding may we stabilize from 1997 to 2007 then showed the least percentage through that time, only 8 percent.

Regarding more relaxing activities, most of families had predilection for picnicking as its attendants recorded the considerable proportion in 1997 before reaching the peak at 70% in 2001. After that, there was slight decrease in its ratio which is under 60%.Like picnicking, proportion of people opting camping illustrated the similar trend but it was lower,around 24%to 30% between 1997 and 2007 that indicated the same proportion of cycling.

Finally, Australian was keen on walking in 1997 but this preference did not last since there was the significant drop after this year before ended up with under 40%. Almost 40 percent of people living in Australia egaged in water interest in 1997 before dramatically increasing in 2007 and steadily collapsing at the end of time period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"gives information about" -> "presents data on"
Explanation: "Presents data on" is more formal and precise, aligning better with academic writing standards.
"concluding picnicking, camping, horse riding, walking, cycling and water activities" -> "including picnicking, camping, horse riding, walking, cycling, and water activities"
Explanation: "Including" is a more appropriate term for listing examples, while "concluding" suggests a finality that is not applicable here.
"the percentage of attendants horse riding hold steady" -> "the percentage of participants in horse riding remained steady"
Explanation: "Participants" is a more formal term than "attendants," and "remained" is the correct verb form to convey continuity.
"Additonally, remaining leisure interest depicts notable fluctuation" -> "Additionally, other leisure interests exhibited notable fluctuations"
Explanation: "Other leisure interests" clarifies that multiple activities are being referenced, and "exhibited" is a more formal verb choice than "depicts."
"sports demand transports" -> "demand for sports activities"
Explanation: "Demand for sports activities" is clearer and more academically appropriate, avoiding vague terminology.
"a number of people joining cycling slightly ascended through the time period" -> "the number of individuals participating in cycling slightly increased over the time period"
Explanation: "The number of individuals participating" is more precise, and "increased" is a clearer verb choice than "ascended."
"may we stabilize" -> "remained stable"
Explanation: "Remained stable" is a more straightforward and formal expression than "may we stabilize," which is awkward and unclear.
"showed the least percentage through that time" -> "exhibited the lowest percentage during that time"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is a more formal verb, and "during" is more appropriate than "through" in this context.
"most of families had predilection for picnicking" -> "most families had a preference for picnicking"
Explanation: "Most families" is grammatically correct, and "a preference for" is a clearer and more formal expression than "had predilection for."
"recorded the considerable proportion" -> "recorded a significant proportion"
Explanation: "A significant proportion" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts than "the considerable proportion."
"there was slight decrease in its ratio which is under 60%" -> "there was a slight decrease in its ratio, which fell below 60%"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "slight decrease" improves grammatical accuracy, and "fell below" is clearer than "is under."
"illustrated the similar trend but it was lower, around 24% to 30%" -> "exhibited a similar trend, though at a lower level, approximately 24% to 30%"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more formal, and "approximately" is more precise than "around."
"that indicated the same proportion of cycling" -> "which indicated a similar proportion to cycling"
Explanation: "Which indicated a similar proportion to" is clearer and maintains formal tone.
"keen on walking" -> "interested in walking"
Explanation: "Interested in" is a more formal and precise expression than "keen on."
"this preference did not last since there was the significant drop" -> "this preference did not persist, as there was a significant drop"
Explanation: "Did not persist" is more formal, and "as" is a more appropriate conjunction than "since" in this context.
"before ended up with under 40%" -> "before ending up below 40%"
Explanation: "Ending up below" is clearer and more grammatically correct than "ended up with under."
"egaged in water interest" -> "engaged in water-related activities"
Explanation: "Engaged in water-related activities" is more precise and formal than "water interest."
"dramatically increasing in 2007 and steadily collapsing at the end of time period" -> "dramatically increasing in 2007 and subsequently declining steadily by the end of the time period"
Explanation: "Subsequently declining steadily" is clearer and maintains a formal tone compared to "steadily collapsing."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "most of families had predilection for picnicking" but does not provide any data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features/bullet points of the graph, rather than providing irrelevant details. The essay should also use more accurate and precise language. For example, instead of saying "most of families had predilection for picnicking," the essay could say "the proportion of people who engaged in picnicking was the highest among all the activities."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but it lacks overall progression. While there are attempts to structure the response, the logical flow is often disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear references. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between ideas. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, which further detracts from the coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas in a logical sequence. Improving the use of cohesive devices and ensuring they are applied appropriately will help clarify relationships between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, refining paragraph structure to ensure each contains a clear central topic will aid in overall clarity and progression. Finally, proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can significantly improve the readability of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to use some less common vocabulary, there are noticeable errors in word choice and spelling, such as "Additonally," "hold steady," and "predilection." These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. The use of basic vocabulary is repetitive, and there is limited control over word formation, which further detracts from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise word choices. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy will enhance clarity. Incorporating a variety of sentence structures and avoiding repetition will also improve the overall quality of the essay. Finally, ensuring that the vocabulary used is appropriate for the context will help convey the intended message more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with several attempts at complex sentences that often lack accuracy. While there are some accurate sentences, frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation hinder overall clarity. For example, phrases like "the percentage of attendants horse riding hold steady" and "this preference did not last since there was the significant drop" contain grammatical inaccuracies that disrupt the flow of the text. Additionally, the use of terms such as "depicts notable fluctuation" and "illustrated the similar trend" suggests an attempt at complexity, but these constructions are not consistently executed correctly.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Grammatical Range: Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, while ensuring accuracy.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors. This will help improve clarity and coherence.
Enhance Vocabulary: Use more precise vocabulary to convey ideas effectively and avoid repetition.
Practice Sentence Construction: Work on constructing sentences that clearly express ideas without ambiguity or confusion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph provides information about the proportion of people who engaged in outdoor hobbies, including picnicking, camping, horse riding, walking, cycling, and water activities.

Overall, while picnicking dominated the chart, the percentage of participants in horse riding remained steady over the time period. Additionally, the other leisure interests exhibited notable fluctuations during this period.

In terms of sports participation, the number of people joining cycling slightly increased throughout the time period, ending at almost 30%. In contrast, horse riding stabilized from 1997 to 2007, showing the lowest percentage during that time at only 8%.

Regarding more relaxing activities, most families had a preference for picnicking, as its participants recorded a considerable proportion in 1997 before reaching a peak of 70% in 2001. After that, there was a slight decrease in its ratio, dropping to below 60%. Like picnicking, the proportion of people opting for camping illustrated a similar trend, but it was lower, ranging from around 24% to 30% between 1997 and 2007, which indicated the same proportion as cycling.

Finally, Australians were keen on walking in 1997, but this preference did not last, as there was a significant drop after this year, ending at just under 40%. Almost 40 percent of people living in Australia engaged in water activities in 1997 before dramatically increasing in 2007 and then steadily declining by the end of the time period.