The line graph shows the number of immigrants to 3 different countries(USA, Canada, Australia) from 1991 to 2001

The line graph demonstrates how many people immigrated to 3 different nations, namely, the US, Canada and Australia over a 10-year period starting from 1991.

Overall, despite some fluctuations, there were increases in the figures for America and Canada. In contrast, the number of immigrants to Australia recorded a dramatic decrease, making the lowest figure.

Regarding the US, there was a remarkable growth in the figure from around 1200 immigrants in the first period to 2500 individuals in the last period, becoming the highest data. In terms of Canada, the number of immigrants started at 500 people, which was the lowest data, then increasing significantly and peaking at roughly 2400 people in 1995 before falling considerably to around 1100 people one year later. From 1996 to 1999, the data of this category remained stable, then rising again.

Considering the other nation, which had an opposite trend. Australia had the highest figure number of immigrants in 1991 at approximately 2800 people, which subsequently decreased dramatically to 500 individuals in 1995. In the rest of years surveyed, the figure remained unchanged, making the lowest data across all categories.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the line graph demonstrates" -> "the line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise term in academic writing, suggesting a visual representation, while "demonstrates" can imply a broader range of meanings.
"the figures for America and Canada" -> "the figures for the United States and Canada"
Explanation: Using "the United States" instead of "America" maintains a formal tone and avoids ambiguity, as "America" can refer to both North and South America.
"the number of immigrants to Australia recorded a dramatic decrease, making the lowest figure" -> "the number of immigrants to Australia experienced a significant decline, resulting in the lowest figure"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant decline" is more formal and precise than "recorded a dramatic decrease," and "resulting in" clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship.
"remarkable growth in the figure" -> "notable increase in the number"
Explanation: "Notable increase" is more specific and formal than "remarkable growth," and "number" is more precise than "figure."
"becoming the highest data" -> "representing the highest value"
Explanation: "Representing the highest value" is clearer and more academically appropriate than "becoming the highest data," which is vague.
"which was the lowest data" -> "which represented the lowest value"
Explanation: "Represented the lowest value" is more precise and formal than "was the lowest data."
"then increasing significantly and peaking at roughly 2400 people" -> "subsequently increasing significantly and reaching a peak of approximately 2400 individuals"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is more formal than "then," and "reaching a peak of approximately" is clearer and more precise than "peaking at roughly."
"the data of this category remained stable" -> "the data for this category remained stable"
Explanation: "Data for this category" is more precise and appropriate than "data of this category."
"Considering the other nation, which had an opposite trend" -> "In contrast, Australia exhibited an opposing trend"
Explanation: "In contrast" is a more formal transition, and "exhibited an opposing trend" is clearer and more precise than "had an opposite trend."
"the highest figure number of immigrants" -> "the highest number of immigrants"
Explanation: "The highest number of immigrants" is grammatically correct and more natural than "the highest figure number of immigrants."
"which subsequently decreased dramatically to 500 individuals" -> "which subsequently declined significantly to 500 individuals"
Explanation: "Declined significantly" is more formal and precise than "decreased dramatically."
"the figure remained unchanged, making the lowest data across all categories" -> "the number remained unchanged, representing the lowest value across all categories"
Explanation: "The number remained unchanged" is clearer and more formal than "the figure remained unchanged," and "representing the lowest value" is more precise than "making the lowest data."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data. It also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, such as the overall increase in immigration to the US and Canada, and the decrease in immigration to Australia. However, the essay does not provide a clear and concise overview of the data. It also includes some irrelevant details, such as the specific number of immigrants in 1991 and 1995.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more concise and clear overview of the data. The writer could also focus on the most important trends and features, and avoid including irrelevant details. For example, instead of stating that the number of immigrants to Canada peaked at roughly 2400 people in 1995, the writer could simply state that immigration to Canada peaked in 1995.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the overall trends are summarized well. However, while the essay uses cohesive devices, some of them are mechanical, leading to occasional awkwardness in phrasing. The referencing is not always clear, particularly when discussing the figures for Canada and Australia, which can confuse the reader. Additionally, while the essay is divided into paragraphs, the organization within those paragraphs could be improved for better clarity and flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, avoiding repetition. Ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically progressing from one idea to the next would improve the overall structure. Additionally, clearer referencing of data points and trends would help in making the essay easier to follow.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, such as "immigrated," "fluctuations," and "dramatic decrease." However, there are instances of inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the lowest data" which could be better expressed as "the lowest number" or "the lowest figure." Additionally, phrases like "the highest data" and "the figure remained unchanged" could be improved for clarity and precision. There are some errors in spelling and word formation, but they do not impede communication significantly. Overall, while the vocabulary used is sufficient for the task, it lacks the sophistication and flexibility expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and less common lexical items. They should also focus on improving accuracy in word choice and collocation to convey precise meanings. Additionally, reducing errors in spelling and word formation will enhance the overall quality of the lexical resource. Engaging with more varied vocabulary and practicing the use of synonyms and idiomatic expressions can also help elevate the essay’s lexical richness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it does convey the main ideas and trends from the graph, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the highest data" and "the lowest figure number of immigrants" are not standard English expressions, leading to confusion. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors, such as missing commas, which can affect readability. However, the errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the reader to understand the general trends being described.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and expanding the range of sentence structures. This can be done by practicing complex sentence forms and ensuring that all phrases are idiomatic and clear. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical and punctuation errors before submission would help to eliminate mistakes that could distract the reader. Finally, using more precise vocabulary and avoiding vague terms like "data" in favor of clearer alternatives (e.g., "number" or "figures") would improve clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph demonstrates the number of immigrants to three different countries, namely the US, Canada, and Australia, over a 10-year period starting from 1991.

Overall, despite some fluctuations, there were increases in the figures for the US and Canada. In contrast, the number of immigrants to Australia recorded a dramatic decrease, resulting in the lowest figure.

Regarding the US, there was remarkable growth in the number of immigrants, rising from around 1,200 individuals in the first period to 2,500 in the last period, making it the country with the highest data. In terms of Canada, the number of immigrants started at 500 people, which was the lowest figure, then increased significantly, peaking at roughly 2,400 people in 1995 before falling considerably to around 1,100 people the following year. From 1996 to 1999, the figures for Canada remained stable before rising again.

In contrast, Australia exhibited an opposite trend. It had the highest number of immigrants in 1991 at approximately 2,800 people, which subsequently decreased dramatically to 500 individuals in 1995. In the subsequent years surveyed, the figure remained unchanged, resulting in the lowest data across all categories.