The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

The diagram illustrates the comparison of the rate of New Zealand community from 1950 to 2050.
At first glance, the oldest age makes up most of the percentage while the population at 37 years old or younger have a slight proportion.
Regarding age which is the highest percentage, in 1950, the data for the oldest people was 60% and five times larger than the youthful age (5%). Besides that, others fluctuated at 20 to 25 percent. In the middle year of the chart, all ages from 65 years old or younger peaked at 70% and around 50%, except the 2 youngest ages. In contrast, it did not have an improvement, it declined significantly, and the remainder 1% for the youngest and over 19% for leftover. Next decade, a total of 3 groups of age dropped by 10 percent, from aged 25-37 to over 65 years old. Especially, budding people had a jump, it uplifted (10%).
According to the diagram for the remaining years, in 2050, it is predicted that the proportion of society over 65 and 25-37 years old will fall slightly ( reduce 5% for first-born group and 10% for others). On the contrary, the budding age will rise noticeably and the aged 38-45 will have a steady trend (they will make up 20% and 40% of the total population)

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"comparison of the rate of New Zealand community" -> "comparison of the demographic trends in New Zealand"
Explanation: "Rate" implies speed or frequency, which isn’t fitting here. "Demographic trends" better captures the essence of the data being depicted.
"makes up most of the percentage" -> "constitutes the majority of the population"
Explanation: "Makes up most of the percentage" is redundant and awkward. "Constitutes the majority of the population" is more precise and elegant.
"youthful age" -> "younger age groups"
Explanation: "Youthful age" is vague and not commonly used. "Younger age groups" is more specific and appropriate in this context.
"others fluctuated at 20 to 25 percent" -> "other age groups fluctuated between 20 and 25 percent"
Explanation: "Others" is ambiguous and can refer to various things. Being specific about "age groups" clarifies the subject.
"all ages from 65 years old or younger" -> "all age groups up to 65 years old"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly phrased. "Up to" is more concise and clearer.
"it did not have an improvement" -> "there was no improvement"
Explanation: "It did not have an improvement" is grammatically incorrect. "There was no improvement" is a more precise expression.
"remainder 1% for the youngest" -> "remaining 1% for the youngest age group"
Explanation: "Remainder" is not used correctly here. "Remaining 1% for the youngest age group" clarifies the meaning.
"a total of 3 groups of age" -> "three age groups in total"
Explanation: "A total of 3 groups of age" is awkward phrasing. "Three age groups in total" is clearer and more concise.
"from aged 25-37" -> "from ages 25 to 37"
Explanation: "From aged 25-37" is grammatically incorrect. "From ages 25 to 37" is the correct form.
"budding people" -> "young adults" or "emerging adults"
Explanation: "Budding people" is an unusual and unclear term. "Young adults" or "emerging adults" are more common and appropriate.
"it uplifted (10%)" -> "it increased by 10%"
Explanation: "Uplifted" is an awkward choice here. "Increased by 10%" is clearer and more standard.
"the proportion of society" -> "the demographic composition"
Explanation: "Proportion of society" is less precise. "Demographic composition" better captures the idea being conveyed.
"first-born group" -> "elderly population"
Explanation: "First-born group" is confusing and unclear. "Elderly population" is more specific and appropriate.
"and the aged 38-45" -> "and individuals aged 38-45"
Explanation: "The aged 38-45" is awkward phrasing. "Individuals aged 38-45" is more natural and precise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng:

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization but lacks overall progression. While there is an attempt to describe the data in a coherent manner, the progression of ideas is not consistently clear. There is a mix of accurate and inaccurate use of cohesive devices, leading to some confusion. The essay utilizes paragraphing but inconsistently and inadequately, affecting the overall coherence.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Ensure a logical progression of ideas by organizing the information chronologically or by category. Use cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases appropriately to link sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, maintain consistency in paragraphing to enhance readability and coherence. Finally, avoid repetitive phrases and strive for clarity in referencing and substitution.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. It attempts to describe the data using basic vocabulary and expressions. There is an effort to convey the information, but the vocabulary choices are somewhat repetitive and lack variety. Some errors in word formation and spelling are noticeable, which may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the text.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the essay writer should work on expanding their vocabulary and using a wider range of lexical items. They can achieve this by incorporating more precise and varied vocabulary related to describing trends and data. Additionally, they should pay closer attention to word formation and spelling to reduce errors and enhance clarity in communication. Further practice in using diverse vocabulary in context can also be beneficial.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, but there are significant errors in grammar and punctuation throughout. Some sentences are unclear due to these errors, which hinder the reader’s understanding.

How to improve: To improve, focus on improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Use a wider range of sentence structures more effectively. Ensure that each sentence is clear and contributes effectively to the overall coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram illustrates the comparison of the rate of New Zealand’s community from 1950 to 2050.

Initially, the highest proportion is represented by the oldest age group, while individuals aged 37 years or younger constitute a smaller percentage. In 1950, the population of the oldest age group stood at 60%, which was significantly higher compared to the youthful age group at 5%. Additionally, other age groups fluctuated between 20% to 25%.

During the mid-years of the chart, all age groups up to 65 years old experienced a peak at approximately 70%, except for the two youngest age groups. Conversely, there was a significant decline in population, with only 1% remaining for the youngest age group and over 19% for the rest. In the following decade, three age groups, namely 25-37, experienced a decrease of 10%, while the population over 65 years old also declined. Notably, the population of budding individuals increased by 10%.

Looking ahead to the remaining years, it is projected that by 2050, the proportion of individuals over 65 and those aged 25-37 will decrease slightly by 5% and 10%, respectively. Conversely, the population of budding individuals is expected to rise noticeably, while individuals aged 38-45 will maintain a steady trend, constituting 20% and 40% of the total population, respectively.