The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

the given line graph illustrates the breakdown of the population growth in New Zealand divided into four different age groups commencing in1950, and including projections to the year 2050

It is clear that the figures for 0-18 and 40-55 year-olds are expected to increase in contrast to a decrease in those for the other two age brackets. Additionally, the proportion of residents aged 65 years old and older is expected to be the highest throughout the given period

From 1950 to 1990, the percentage of people falling into the 38-45 age group and those aged over 65 years old increased from 25% to nearly 50%, and 60% to around 70% respectively.Between 1990 and 2000, both these age groups declined steadily and then continued to being expected to decrease until 2050, reaching around 55% and 40% respectively.

Turning to younger age groups, in the beginning of the period, around 20% of the population were aged from 25 to 37 years old, compared to only 5% for those aged under 14 years old. Throughout the following ten years, the proportion of the 25-37 age bracket rose slightly to 25% in 1960 and by 2050, this figure is predicted to drop significantly to a negligible percentage by the end of the period. By contrast, it is forecasted that those aged under 14 years old will increase considerably to 20% after decreasing marginally from 1950 to 1990

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the given line graph" -> "the provided line graph"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and precise than "given," which is somewhat informal and vague in an academic context.
"divided into four different age groups commencing in1950, and including projections to the year 2050" -> "divided into four distinct age groups, starting from 1950 and extending to projections for 2050"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "groups" improves readability, and "starting from" and "extending to" are more precise and formal than "commencing in" and "including projections to."
"the figures for 0-18 and 40-55 year-olds are expected to increase" -> "the proportions of individuals in the 0-18 and 40-55 age ranges are projected to increase"
Explanation: "Proportions of individuals" is more specific and formal than "figures," and "projected" is preferred over "expected" for academic writing to convey a more precise prediction.
"the proportion of residents aged 65 years old and older is expected to be the highest" -> "the proportion of residents aged 65 years and older is anticipated to be the highest"
Explanation: Removing "years old" after "65" aligns with the formal style, and "anticipated" is a more academic term than "expected."
"continued to being expected to decrease" -> "continued to be expected to decrease"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error by removing the incorrect "being."
"reaching around 55% and 40% respectively" -> "projected to reach approximately 55% and 40% respectively"
Explanation: "Projected to reach" is more specific and formal than "expected to decrease," and "approximately" is more precise than "around" in academic writing.
"in the beginning of the period" -> "at the beginning of the period"
Explanation: "At the beginning" is grammatically correct and more formal than "in the beginning."
"compared to only 5% for those aged under 14 years old" -> "compared to just 5% for those aged under 14"
Explanation: "Just" is more formal than "only," and removing "years old" after "14" maintains the formal tone.
"this figure is predicted to drop significantly to a negligible percentage" -> "this proportion is expected to decline significantly to a negligible level"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more specific than "figure," and "decline" is more formal than "drop," and "level" is preferred over "percentage" in this context.
"it is forecasted that those aged under 14 years old will increase considerably" -> "it is projected that those aged under 14 will increase substantially"
Explanation: "Projected" is more formal than "forecasted," and "substantially" is a more academic term than "considerably."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the line graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the proportion of residents aged 65 years old and older is expected to be the highest throughout the given period, but this is not accurate. The essay also states that the proportion of the 25-37 age bracket rose slightly to 25% in 1960, but this is not accurate.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate details. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of residents aged 65 years old and older is expected to be the highest in 2050, not throughout the given period. The essay could also state that the proportion of the 25-37 age bracket rose slightly to 25% in 1960, but then decreased to around 20% in 1990.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression in the response. The use of cohesive devices is generally effective, but there are instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences feels somewhat mechanical. For example, the transitions between some sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. Additionally, while paragraphing is used, it is not always logical or optimal, as the essay could benefit from clearer separation of ideas and more distinct paragraphing.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Work on making the transitions between sentences and paragraphs smoother. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring they are used naturally.
Improve Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are grouped logically. This will help in presenting a more structured and coherent response.
Refine Sentence Structure: Pay attention to sentence structure to avoid mechanical cohesion. Vary sentence lengths and structures to create a more engaging and fluid narrative.
Clear Referencing: Use referencing more clearly and appropriately to avoid any ambiguity. This includes pronouns and other referencing words that link ideas together seamlessly.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the figures for 0-18 and 40-55 year-olds" which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are a few spelling and grammatical errors, such as "commencing in1950" (missing space) and "the 38-45 age group" (which should be "40-55"). These errors do not significantly impede communication but do detract from the overall quality of the lexical resource.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise and sophisticated lexical items. Additionally, they should ensure correct spelling and grammatical structures, and pay attention to collocation and word choice to enhance clarity and fluency. Practicing with a wider variety of texts and incorporating feedback on word usage can also help improve lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While there are some grammatical errors and punctuation issues present, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay attempts to convey information clearly, but the presence of errors suggests that control over grammar and punctuation could be improved. For instance, phrases like "the figures for 0-18 and 40-55 year-olds are expected to increase in contrast to a decrease in those for the other two age brackets" could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor errors, such as "the percentage of people falling into the 38-45 age group," which should be "the 38-45 age group" for clarity.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex structures to demonstrate greater grammatical flexibility. This could include more varied conjunctions and relative clauses.
Focus on Accuracy: Pay closer attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions.
Punctuation Practice: Review punctuation rules to minimize errors, especially in complex sentences. Proper use of commas can help clarify meaning and improve readability.
Proofreading: Allocate time to proofread the essay to catch and correct minor errors that could detract from the overall quality. This will help in producing more error-free sentences.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the breakdown of population growth in New Zealand, divided into four different age groups, commencing in 1950 and including projections to the year 2050.

It is clear that the figures for the 0-18 and 40-55 age groups are expected to increase, in contrast to a decrease in the other two age brackets. Additionally, the proportion of residents aged 65 years and older is expected to be the highest throughout the given period.

From 1950 to 1990, the percentage of people in the 38-45 age group and those aged over 65 years increased from 25% to nearly 50% and from 60% to around 70%, respectively. Between 1990 and 2000, both these age groups declined steadily and are expected to continue decreasing until 2050, reaching around 55% and 40%, respectively.

Turning to the younger age groups, at the beginning of the period, around 20% of the population were aged 25 to 37 years, compared to only 5% for those aged under 14 years. Throughout the following ten years, the proportion of the 25-37 age bracket rose slightly to 25% in 1960, but by 2050, this figure is predicted to drop significantly to a negligible percentage by the end of the period. In contrast, it is forecasted that those aged under 14 years will increase considerably to 20% after decreasing marginally from 1950 to 1990.