The natural resources such as oil, forests and fresh water are being consumed at an alarming rate. What problems does it cause? How can we solve these problems?

The natural resources such as oil, forests and fresh water are being consumed at an alarming rate.
What problems does it cause? How can we solve these problems?

It is true that the excessive consumption of the planet's resources is a concerning problem. This can lead to several problems, and this essay will suggest some viable measures to remedy the situation.
Natural resource depletion can be a primary culprit can arise from the depletion of natural resources. It is a fact that deforestation has seriously affected the environment, which causes loss of biodiversity. Indeed, forests can absorb carbon dioxide and provide for the planet with plenty of oxygen. Therefore, if the forests are destroyed by human activities, they will not be able to store carbon dioxide, which makes increasing levels of greenhouse gases from fossil fuel burning activities, contributing to accelerating climate change. As well as this, drinking water is steadily lost due to the fact that many factories consume a lot of chemicals during operation and create a lot of waste, coupled with being not treated properly and discharged directly into water sources like oceans and rivers. This would lead to contaminating water sources. This spells disaster for the lives of all plants and animals on the earth and humans alike.
To address these problems, individuals should be, first and foremost, brought to the fore. This can be done by launching a global awareness campaign by celebrities who are trusted by the public. They would propagate and educate people to avoid consuming the planet's resources in a reckless manner and to join hands to preserve natural resources through social platforms like TikTok and Instagram, which help people gain more knowledge about the environment through articles, advertisements, and videos. This would make many people know how to appreciate the surrounding plants and understand their meaning of natural resources.
In conclusion, the planet is being depleted at an alarming pace, which could cause climate change and the loss of drinking water, and the solutions would lie in awareness-raising campaigns.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is true that" -> "It is evident that"
   Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and assertive way to introduce a statement, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.

2. "a concerning problem" -> "a significant concern"
   Explanation: "A significant concern" is more precise and formal, fitting better in an academic context than the more colloquial "a concerning problem."

3. "can be a primary culprit can arise from" -> "may arise from"
   Explanation: The phrase "can be a primary culprit can arise from" is awkward and redundant. Simplifying it to "may arise from" improves clarity and maintains formal tone.

4. "It is a fact that" -> "It is acknowledged that"
   Explanation: "It is acknowledged that" is a more formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more casual "It is a fact that."

5. "which causes loss of biodiversity" -> "resulting in biodiversity loss"
   Explanation: "Resulting in biodiversity loss" is a more precise and formal way to express causality, aligning better with academic style.

6. "provide for the planet with plenty of oxygen" -> "supply the planet with abundant oxygen"
   Explanation: "Supply the planet with abundant oxygen" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "provide for" and "plenty of."

7. "which makes increasing levels of greenhouse gases from fossil fuel burning activities" -> "thereby increasing greenhouse gas emissions from fossil fuel combustion"
   Explanation: "Thereby increasing greenhouse gas emissions from fossil fuel combustion" is more specific and technically accurate, enhancing the scientific tone of the sentence.

8. "drinking water is steadily lost" -> "freshwater is being depleted"
   Explanation: "Freshwater is being depleted" is a more precise and formal term, avoiding the colloquial "drinking water" and the vague "steadily lost."

9. "coupled with being not treated properly and discharged directly" -> "further exacerbated by inadequate treatment and direct discharge"
   Explanation: "Further exacerbated by inadequate treatment and direct discharge" is more formal and clearly conveys the negative impact of improper treatment and discharge on water quality.

10. "This spells disaster for the lives of all plants and animals on the earth and humans alike" -> "This poses a catastrophic threat to the survival of all plant and animal species, as well as human well-being"
    Explanation: "Poses a catastrophic threat to the survival of all plant and animal species, as well as human well-being" is a more formal and scientifically accurate way to express the severity of the consequences.

11. "propagate and educate people" -> "promote awareness and educate the public"
    Explanation: "Promote awareness and educate the public" is more specific and formal, suitable for an academic context, compared to the less formal "propagate and educate people."

12. "join hands to preserve natural resources" -> "collaborate to conserve natural resources"
    Explanation: "Collaborate to conserve natural resources" is more formal and precise, replacing the colloquial "join hands" and "preserve" with "conserve," which is more commonly used in environmental contexts.

13. "which help people gain more knowledge about the environment" -> "which facilitate increased environmental awareness"
    Explanation: "Facilitate increased environmental awareness" is a more formal and precise way to describe the role of social platforms in promoting environmental knowledge.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying problems caused by the consumption of natural resources, such as loss of biodiversity and water contamination. However, the explanation of these problems could be more detailed. For instance, while the essay mentions deforestation and its effects, it does not delve deeply into the consequences of water contamination or the broader implications of resource depletion on human life and ecosystems.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide a more comprehensive analysis of each problem. This could involve discussing specific examples of how resource depletion affects communities or ecosystems, as well as elaborating on the long-term consequences of these issues. Additionally, ensuring that each part of the question is distinctly addressed in separate paragraphs would improve clarity.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the need for awareness campaigns to address the problems caused by resource depletion. However, the introduction could be more assertive in stating the writer’s stance. The phrase "this essay will suggest some viable measures" is somewhat passive and could be strengthened to reflect a more confident position.
  • How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and maintain that perspective throughout the essay. Using strong, definitive language can help reinforce the position. For example, instead of saying "this essay will suggest," the writer could assert, "This essay argues that raising awareness is crucial for addressing these pressing environmental issues."

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the importance of awareness campaigns, but these ideas are not fully developed. For instance, while the mention of social media platforms is relevant, the essay lacks specific examples of how these campaigns could be structured or what content would be effective. Additionally, the connection between the problems and the proposed solutions could be more explicitly drawn.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing examples of successful awareness campaigns or discussing the potential impact of education on resource conservation. Furthermore, linking the problems directly to the proposed solutions would create a more cohesive argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the problems of resource depletion and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the transition between discussing deforestation and water contamination feels abrupt, and the connection between these issues could be made clearer.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main topic. Using topic sentences that directly reference the prompt can help guide the reader and keep the discussion on track. Additionally, providing smoother transitions between ideas will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of position, development of ideas, and overall coherence. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance their Task Response score in future essays.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing problems and solutions, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by unclear phrasing and redundancy, such as the phrase "Natural resource depletion can be a primary culprit can arise from the depletion of natural resources," which is confusing and repetitive. The connection between deforestation and climate change is well-articulated, but the transition to the discussion about water contamination could be smoother to enhance overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that transitions between ideas are explicit. For instance, using transitional phrases like "In addition to deforestation," or "Another significant issue is…" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Additionally, avoiding redundancy will strengthen clarity.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with separate sections for the introduction, problem identification, and solutions. However, the body paragraphs could be better delineated. The first paragraph discusses deforestation and its effects, while the second jumps to water contamination without a clear transition or a separate paragraph for each issue. This can confuse readers about the main points being addressed.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should consider separating distinct ideas into their own paragraphs. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on deforestation and its impacts, while another could address water contamination. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Indeed," "Therefore," and "As well as this," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some devices are used repetitively, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the essay. For example, the phrase "This spells disaster for the lives of all plants and animals on the earth and humans alike" could be more effectively linked to previous sentences to enhance cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "Consequently," "On the other hand," and "For instance." This will not only improve the flow of ideas but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used appropriately in context will enhance clarity and coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "depletion," "biodiversity," "greenhouse gases," and "awareness campaign." However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with the term "natural resources," which appears multiple times without variation. This limits the lexical diversity and can make the writing feel monotonous.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "natural resources," alternatives like "environmental assets," "ecological resources," or "natural wealth" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and verbs can enrich the essay’s language.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "deforestation" and "contaminating water sources." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "the excessive consumption of the planet’s resources," which could be more specific by identifying which resources are being referred to (e.g., "fossil fuels," "freshwater," etc.). The phrase "brought to the fore" is also somewhat vague and could be clearer.
  • How to improve: Aim for specificity in vocabulary. Instead of general terms, use precise language that directly relates to the topic. For example, specify "fossil fuel consumption" when discussing resource depletion. Clarifying phrases like "brought to the fore" with more direct language, such as "highlighted" or "emphasized," can also improve precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no significant errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "which makes increasing levels of greenhouse gases" where the phrase could be clearer if restructured. While spelling is not the primary concern, clarity in phrasing is essential.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling and overall clarity, practice proofreading for grammatical structure and phrasing. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward constructions or unclear phrases. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools or engaging in regular writing practice can help reinforce correct spelling and improve overall writing fluency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a satisfactory range of vocabulary, improvements can be made in lexical variety, precision, and clarity. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of conditional structures in "if the forests are destroyed by human activities" showcases an understanding of complex sentence formation. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "Natural resource depletion can be a primary culprit can arise from the depletion of natural resources," which detracts from clarity and coherence. The essay also relies heavily on certain structures, such as "This can lead to…" and "This would lead to…", which can make the writing feel repetitive.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex and varied constructions. For instance, using participial phrases or relative clauses can add depth. Additionally, varying the sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or using inversion) can improve the overall flow and engagement of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a solid command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "Natural resource depletion can be a primary culprit can arise from the depletion of natural resources" contains a grammatical error with the repetition of "can," which creates confusion. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences. The use of "which" in "which makes increasing levels of greenhouse gases" is also slightly awkward and could be rephrased for better clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with sentence structure and redundancy. Practicing the use of conjunctions and relative clauses can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding compound and complex sentences, will enhance the overall readability of the essay. Engaging in exercises that focus on sentence variety and clarity can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range and accuracy, there are areas for improvement that can elevate the writing to a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will be key to achieving this goal.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that the excessive consumption of the planet’s resources is a significant concern. This can lead to several problems, and this essay will suggest some viable measures to remedy the situation. Natural resource depletion can be a primary culprit that may arise from the depletion of natural resources. It is a fact that deforestation has seriously affected the environment, resulting in biodiversity loss. Indeed, forests can absorb carbon dioxide and supply the planet with abundant oxygen. Therefore, if the forests are destroyed by human activities, they will not be able to store carbon dioxide, which increases levels of greenhouse gases from fossil fuel burning activities, contributing to accelerating climate change. As well as this, drinking water is steadily being depleted due to the fact that many factories consume a lot of chemicals during operation and create a lot of waste, which is not treated properly and is discharged directly into water sources like oceans and rivers. This would lead to contaminating water sources. This spells disaster for the lives of all plants and animals on Earth and humans alike.

To address these problems, individuals should be, first and foremost, brought to the fore. This can be done by launching a global awareness campaign led by celebrities who are trusted by the public. They would promote awareness and educate people to avoid consuming the planet’s resources in a reckless manner and to join hands to preserve natural resources through social platforms like TikTok and Instagram, which help people gain more knowledge about the environment through articles, advertisements, and videos. This would help many people appreciate the surrounding plants and understand the importance of natural resources.

In conclusion, the planet is being depleted at an alarming pace, which could cause climate change and the loss of drinking water, and the solutions would lie in awareness-raising campaigns.