the number of enquiries received by the tourist information office in one city in six month period in 2011

The line graph represents the data of enquiries that were received by the Tourist Information Office in the first half of 2011 by three different methods.

Overall, it can be observed that while both enquiries received by telephone and in person during the period is expected to significantly rise, the opposite is true for that by letter/email inquiring. Noticeably, enquire face-to-face is project to see the biggest change.

In January, the amount of enquiries received in person is only about 400 while the number of people making a phone call or sending a letter/email is about 1000 and 800 respectively. In April, the proportion of in person enquiry rise dramatically to 1200 and the amount of people calling for enquiries witnessed a stable fluctuate around 800 to 1000. However, the amount of letter/email being sent to enquire experienced a remarkable drop of almost 200.

By June, the quantity of enquiries received in person almost reach the peak of 2000, expected to be the most used method. In addition, receivable enquiries made by phone call is also predicted to rise to 1600. In contrast, enquiry by letter/email become the least choice, with nearly 400 monthly users

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the line graph represents" -> "the line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "represents" in the context of presenting data visually, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"enquiries received by telephone and in person" -> "enquiries received via telephone and in person"
Explanation: Using "via" instead of "by" provides a more precise preposition for indicating the method of communication, aligning with formal academic language.
"the opposite is true for that by letter/email inquiring" -> "the opposite is true for those via letter/email"
Explanation: Replacing "that by letter/email inquiring" with "those via letter/email" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances clarity, making the sentence more formal and precise.
"enquire face-to-face is project to see the biggest change" -> "face-to-face enquiries are projected to show the greatest change"
Explanation: Changing "enquire face-to-face is project" to "face-to-face enquiries are projected" corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the subject and verb agreement, making the sentence more formal and accurate.
"the amount of enquiries received in person is only about 400" -> "the number of in-person enquiries is approximately 400"
Explanation: Replacing "the amount of enquiries received in person" with "the number of in-person enquiries" corrects the misuse of "amount" for countable nouns and uses "approximately" for a more formal tone.
"the proportion of in person enquiry rise dramatically" -> "the proportion of in-person enquiries increases dramatically"
Explanation: Correcting "rise" to "increases" aligns with the correct verb form for describing changes in quantity, and "in-person enquiries" should be plural to match the context.
"witnessed a stable fluctuate" -> "experienced a stable fluctuation"
Explanation: "Experienced a stable fluctuation" is grammatically correct and more formal than "witnessed a stable fluctuate," which is awkward and incorrect.
"the amount of letter/email being sent to enquire" -> "the number of letters and emails sent for enquiries"
Explanation: "The number of letters and emails sent for enquiries" is grammatically correct and clearer than "the amount of letter/email being sent to enquire," which is awkward and imprecise.
"almost reach the peak of 2000" -> "nearly reaches its peak of 2000"
Explanation: Changing "almost reach" to "nearly reaches" corrects the verb agreement, and "its peak" is more precise than "the peak" in this context.
"receivable enquiries made by phone call is also predicted" -> "telephone enquiries are also predicted"
Explanation: "Telephone enquiries are also predicted" corrects the grammatical structure and removes the awkward "receivable," which is not appropriate here.
"enquiry by letter/email become the least choice" -> "enquiries by letter and email become the least popular"
Explanation: "Enquiries by letter and email become the least popular" corrects the grammatical structure and uses "least popular" to specify the comparative degree, enhancing formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that the number of enquiries received in person "rise dramatically" in April, but it does not provide any specific figures to support this claim. The essay also states that the number of enquiries received by letter/email "experienced a remarkable drop of almost 200" in April, but it does not specify the exact number of enquiries received in April.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features of the data. For example, the essay could state that the number of enquiries received in person increased from 400 in January to 1200 in April, an increase of 800. The essay could also state that the number of enquiries received by letter/email decreased from 800 in January to 600 in April, a decrease of 200.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from January to June. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, particularly in the transition between ideas. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, as some ideas feel slightly disjointed or repetitive. The central topics in each paragraph are identifiable, but the clarity could be enhanced.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between ideas are smoother. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to ensure each one has a clear central idea and logically leads to the next would enhance coherence. Finally, avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring varied vocabulary will contribute to a more polished essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "enquire face-to-face" instead of "in-person enquiries" and "receivable enquiries" which is not a standard phrase. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "rise dramatically" (should be "rises dramatically") and "stable fluctuate" (should be "stable fluctuations"). These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource used.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately and appropriately. This includes practicing the correct forms of words and ensuring that collocations are used correctly. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions, while ensuring they are used in the correct context, would contribute to a higher band score. Regular reading and writing practice can help in developing a more nuanced understanding of vocabulary usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder communication. For example, phrases like "the opposite is true for that by letter/email inquiring" and "receivable enquiries made by phone call" are not standard English usage. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and word choice, such as "enquire face-to-face is project to see" instead of "is projected to see." Overall, the errors present do not significantly obscure meaning, but they do detract from the overall clarity and fluency of the writing.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring accuracy. Practice using subordinate clauses correctly to add depth to your writing.
Proofread for Errors: Take time to review your work for grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and verb tenses. This will help reduce the frequency of mistakes.
Improve Vocabulary Usage: Use more precise vocabulary to convey your ideas clearly. Avoid awkward phrases and ensure that word choices are appropriate for the context.
Practice Clarity: Focus on writing clear and concise sentences. Avoid convoluted structures that may confuse the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph represents the data of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in the first half of 2011 through three different methods.

Overall, it can be observed that while the enquiries received by telephone and in person during the period are expected to rise significantly, the opposite is true for those made by letter/email. Notably, enquiries made face-to-face are projected to see the biggest change.

In January, the number of enquiries received in person is only about 400, while the number of people making phone calls or sending letters/emails is about 1,000 and 800, respectively. By April, the proportion of in-person enquiries rises dramatically to 1,200, and the number of people calling for enquiries fluctuates steadily between 800 and 1,000. However, the number of letters/emails sent to make enquiries experiences a remarkable drop of almost 200.

By June, the quantity of enquiries received in person nearly reaches the peak of 2,000, expected to be the most popular method. In addition, enquiries made by phone calls are also predicted to rise to 1,600. In contrast, enquiries by letter/email become the least preferred option, with nearly 400 monthly users.