The number of people working in 4 sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015.

The bar chart gives information about the number of people who worked in 4 sports sectors in an Australia town in 2015.
Overview, the majority of worker in 4 sports sectors in an Australia town in 2014 lies the range from 40 to 80 people.
It is inevitable that coachers respresent the largest portion of both volunteer and paid, whereas referees are indisputably the most minor. in the working industry, the number of volunteer in coachers were more than 70 people, while volunteer in referees was only about 40 people. And data of paid in coachers was more than this in referees
Comparsing between referees and managers, there was a same data in paid. the worker volunteering in referees were less than in managers, about 10 people
And there had special thing in here, the information in coachers was only line whose column exceeded 60 people
So it was my analysis for this matter

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Overview, the majority of worker in 4 sports sectors in an Australia town in 2014 lies the range from 40 to 80 people." -> "Overview, the majority of workers in four sports sectors in an Australian town in 2014 fell within the range of 40 to 80 people."
Explanation: Correcting "Overview" to "Overview," capitalizing "Australian" to adhere to proper noun conventions, and changing "lies the range" to "fell within the range" improves grammatical accuracy and formality. Additionally, "worker" should be pluralized to "workers" to match the context.
"It is inevitable that coachers respresent the largest portion of both volunteer and paid, whereas referees are indisputably the most minor." -> "It is evident that coaches represent the largest proportion of both volunteer and paid staff, whereas referees are undoubtedly the smallest."
Explanation: Replacing "coachers" with "coaches" corrects a spelling error. "Respresent" is corrected to "represent" and "minor" to "smallest" for clarity and precision. "Paid" should be replaced with "paid staff" to specify the type of staff being referred to.
"the number of volunteer in coachers were more than 70 people, while volunteer in referees was only about 40 people." -> "the number of volunteers in coaches exceeded 70, whereas the number of volunteers in referees was approximately 40."
Explanation: Changing "volunteer" to "volunteers" corrects the grammatical number agreement. Replacing "were more than 70 people" with "exceeded 70" simplifies and clarifies the comparison. "Was only about 40 people" is replaced with "was approximately 40" for a more formal tone.
"And data of paid in coachers was more than this in referees" -> "And the number of paid coaches exceeded that of referees."
Explanation: "Data of paid in coachers" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The revised phrase clarifies that the comparison is between the number of paid coaches and referees.
"Comparsing" -> "Comparing"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "Comparsing" to "Comparing" ensures accuracy.
"the worker volunteering in referees were less than in managers, about 10 people" -> "the number of volunteers in referees was fewer than that in managers, approximately 10."
Explanation: Changing "the worker volunteering" to "the number of volunteers" corrects the grammatical structure. "Were less than in managers" is replaced with "was fewer than that in managers" for clarity and formality.
"And there had special thing in here, the information in coachers was only line whose column exceeded 60 people" -> "Additionally, the data for coaches was the only category exceeding 60 people."
Explanation: "And there had special thing in here" is unclear and informal. "Additionally" is more appropriate for academic writing. "The information in coachers was only line whose column exceeded 60 people" is rephrased for clarity and grammatical correctness.
"So it was my analysis for this matter" -> "Thus, this analysis concludes."
Explanation: "So it was my analysis for this matter" is informal and awkward. "Thus, this analysis concludes" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "the number of volunteer in coachers were more than 70 people, while volunteer in referees was only about 40 people" but does not provide any further information about the other sports sectors.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features/bullet points of the data, rather than providing irrelevant details. The essay should also be more accurate in its description of the data. For example, the essay states that "the information in coachers was only line whose column exceeded 60 people" but this is not accurate. The essay should also be more concise and avoid using unnecessary words and phrases.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay presents some information and ideas, but they are not arranged coherently, and there is no clear progression throughout the response. The use of cohesive devices is basic and often inaccurate, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between ideas. For instance, phrases like "the majority of worker" and "there was a same data" are grammatically incorrect and hinder clarity. Additionally, the paragraphing is inadequate, with no clear separation of ideas, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas logically and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately, such as linking words and phrases, can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, improving grammatical accuracy and ensuring proper paragraph structure will contribute to a more coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the bar chart, the use of vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice (e.g., "coachers" instead of "coaches"), spelling (e.g., "respresent" instead of "represent"), and grammatical structure (e.g., "the majority of worker" should be "the majority of workers"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct word forms. They should also focus on improving spelling and grammatical accuracy. Incorporating less common lexical items and varying sentence structures can help convey precise meanings more effectively. Additionally, proofreading for errors before submission would improve clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use complex sentences; however, these attempts are often inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as "the majority of worker" (should be "workers"), "coachers" (should be "coaches"), and "the worker volunteering in referees were less than in managers" (should be "the number of workers volunteering as referees was less than that of managers"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. While some sentences are clear, the overall accuracy and range of grammatical structures are insufficient for a higher band score.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Correcting Basic Errors: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, plural forms, and the correct use of terms (e.g., "coaches" instead of "coachers").
Variety in Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Proofreading: Review the essay for grammatical and punctuation errors before submission to minimize mistakes that could affect clarity.
Practice: Engage in exercises that focus on complex sentence formation and grammatical accuracy to build confidence and skill in using a broader range of structures.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart provides information about the number of people who worked in four sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015.

Overall, the majority of workers in the four sports sectors in the Australian town in 2015 ranged from 40 to 80 people. It is evident that coaches represented the largest portion of both volunteers and paid workers, whereas referees were indisputably the smallest group in the working industry. The number of volunteers among coaches was more than 70 people, while the number of volunteers among referees was only about 40 people. Additionally, the data for paid coaches was higher than that for referees.

In comparing referees and managers, the number of paid workers was the same. However, the number of volunteers among referees was less than that among managers, with a difference of about 10 people. Notably, the information for coaches was the only category where the column exceeded 60 people.

This analysis highlights the distribution of workers across the four sports sectors in the town.