The number of people working in 4 sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015.

The chart illustrates the number of people who worked in 4 sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015

Overview, the majority of people between the range from 30 to 60

In the number of volunteers, the quantity of coachers outnumber the referees.It is inevitable that coaches represent the largest portion of volunteers that work in 4 sports sectors whereas referees are indisputably the most minor about 30 peoples

To paid people, managers are less than other sections, with the number of 38 workers. The majority of people prefer referees and managers over sections and coaches, it reached to 45 people.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Overview, the majority of people between the range from 30 to 60" -> "The overview shows that the majority of people fall within the age range of 30 to 60"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revised version corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, enhancing readability and formality.
"In the number of volunteers, the quantity of coachers outnumber the referees." -> "Among the volunteers, coaches outnumber referees in terms of quantity."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and unclear. The revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.
"It is inevitable that coaches represent the largest portion of volunteers that work in 4 sports sectors whereas referees are indisputably the most minor about 30 peoples" -> "It is evident that coaches comprise the largest proportion of volunteers in the four sports sectors, while referees account for the smallest number, approximately 30 individuals."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and contains informal phrasing. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise and formal language, improving the academic tone.
"To paid people, managers are less than other sections, with the number of 38 workers." -> "Among paid employees, there are fewer managers than in other sectors, with 38 individuals."
Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammar, making it more appropriate for an academic context.
"The majority of people prefer referees and managers over sections and coaches, it reached to 45 people." -> "The majority of individuals prefer referees and managers to coaches and sections, with a total of 45 individuals."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, improving the formal tone and precision of the statement.

These changes enhance the clarity, grammatical accuracy, and formality of the text, aligning it more closely with the standards expected in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "the majority of people prefer referees and managers over sections and coaches" but does not provide any data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features/bullet points of the data, rather than providing irrelevant details. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. For example, the essay states that "referees are indisputably the most minor about 30 peoples" but the chart shows that there were 30 paid referees and 30 paid managers.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay presents some information about the number of people working in various sports sectors, but it lacks coherent organization and clear progression. The overview is vague and does not effectively summarize the data. The use of cohesive devices is minimal and often inaccurate, leading to confusion. Additionally, the paragraphing is not logical, as ideas are not clearly separated or developed, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring the essay with a defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic, and cohesive devices should be used appropriately to link ideas. Providing a more comprehensive overview and ensuring that all information is presented logically will also improve the overall clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the number of people working in various sports sectors, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the quantity of coachers" instead of "the number of coaches," and "the most minor about 30 peoples," which is awkward and unclear. Additionally, there are issues with spelling and grammatical structure, such as "it reached to 45 people," which further detracts from clarity. Overall, while the essay communicates some relevant information, the lexical resource is insufficient to achieve a higher band score.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure that word choices are appropriate and precise. Additionally, focusing on correct spelling and grammatical structures will enhance clarity. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help in achieving a more sophisticated and flexible use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a very limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with occasional attempts at more complex forms. However, the majority of sentences contain grammatical errors that significantly hinder clarity and comprehension. For example, phrases like "the quantity of coachers outnumber the referees" and "it reached to 45 people" are awkwardly constructed and contain inaccuracies. Additionally, punctuation is often faulty, leading to confusion in the overall message.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures, incorporating more complex sentences with appropriate use of subordinate clauses. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct grammatical errors and improve punctuation would enhance clarity. Practicing writing with varied vocabulary and ensuring that each sentence contributes clearly to the overall argument will also be beneficial.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates the number of people who worked in four sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015.

Overall, the majority of people fall within the range of 30 to 60.

In terms of volunteers, the number of coaches outnumbers the referees. It is evident that coaches represent the largest portion of volunteers working in the four sports sectors, whereas referees constitute the smallest group, with approximately 30 individuals.

Regarding paid positions, managers have fewer workers compared to other sections, with a total of 38 employees. The majority of people prefer referees and managers over coaches, reaching a total of 45 individuals.