the personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages

These days, personal information of any individuals is collected by massive internet corporations and organizations. Some people think this will make an optimistic contribution, whereas the others totally deny and believe that this could be potential problem. From my perspective, I believe that the drawbacks will outweigh the benefits.
There are sensible reasons to explain why some people stand out for the benefits of this case. Firstly, it is obvious for us to recognize that private data is stored logically and efficiently. Important announcements, for example, are always received from work or organisations via Gmail or SMS, which are derived from proving entrepreneurs with their personal contacts. Secondly, it is the private data of many individuals that help the field control their work better. Were it not for holding personal input, organisations would not propose some benefits for customers.
However, the risks that a certain individual might get into are wholly outweigh the advantages that one person could receive. First of all, posting personal data on the Internet makes users potentially susceptible to criminal activities. The information shared online include IP address, credit card number, passport etc can be exploited for illicit purpose such as finance fraud. Secondly, the personal information is held means that people are lack of privacy when using internet. If someone was to get hold of something private we may have wrote and shared it online, once it’s out there, it’s very hard to get off. For example, social networks provide little privacy protection. Facebook, as one of the most popular social networks, doesn’t provide much privacy protection for their users. Therefore, personal information become potential target for cyber crimes to attack and latter this will lead to inflation to companies.
In conclusion, the trend of collecting personal information by the massive corporations could bring a number of certain advantages. But the pessimistic impact of this trend, generally, outweigh its benefits.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"These days" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "These days."
"massive internet corporations and organizations" -> "large-scale internet corporations and organizations"
Explanation: "Large-scale" is a more precise and formal term than "massive," which can sound overly dramatic and informal in academic contexts.
"Some people think this will make an optimistic contribution" -> "Some individuals believe this will contribute positively"
Explanation: "Believe" is more formal than "think," and "contribute positively" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than "make an optimistic contribution."
"the others totally deny" -> "others strongly oppose"
Explanation: "Strongly oppose" is a more formal and precise way to express disagreement than "totally deny," which can sound overly absolute and informal.
"this could be potential problem" -> "this could pose a potential problem"
Explanation: "Pose a potential problem" is grammatically correct and more formal than "be potential problem," which is grammatically incorrect.
"sensible reasons to explain why some people stand out for the benefits" -> "compelling reasons why some individuals advocate for the benefits"
Explanation: "Compelling reasons" and "advocate for" are more formal and precise than "sensible reasons" and "stand out for," which are less commonly used in academic writing.
"it is obvious for us to recognize" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more concise and formal way to introduce a clear observation, avoiding the awkward construction "it is obvious for us to recognize."
"derived from proving entrepreneurs with their personal contacts" -> "provided to entrepreneurs through their personal contacts"
Explanation: "Provided to entrepreneurs through their personal contacts" is clearer and more grammatically correct than "derived from proving entrepreneurs with their personal contacts," which is awkward and incorrect.
"help the field control their work better" -> "enhance field management"
Explanation: "Enhance field management" is a more precise and formal way to describe the improvement in organizational efficiency, replacing the vague and informal "help the field control their work better."
"posting personal data on the Internet makes users potentially susceptible" -> "posting personal data online renders users potentially vulnerable"
Explanation: "Renders users potentially vulnerable" is a more formal and precise expression than "makes users potentially susceptible," which is slightly informal and less specific.
"The information shared online include" -> "The information shared online includes"
Explanation: "Includes" should be used with a singular noun, "information," to maintain grammatical accuracy.
"lack of privacy when using internet" -> "lack of privacy when using the internet"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "internet" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formality of the sentence.
"If someone was to get hold of something private we may have wrote and shared it online" -> "If someone were to obtain private information we have shared online"
Explanation: "Were to obtain" is grammatically correct, and "private information" is a more precise term than "something private," which is vague and informal.
"it’s very hard to get off" -> "it is extremely difficult to remove"
Explanation: "It is extremely difficult to remove" is more formal and precise than "it’s very hard to get off," which uses contractions and colloquial language.
"personal information become potential target" -> "personal information becomes a potential target"
Explanation: "Becomes a potential target" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formality of the sentence.
"latter this will lead to inflation to companies" -> "this could lead to inflation for companies"
Explanation: "This could lead to inflation for companies" corrects the awkward and incorrect phrase "latter this will lead to inflation to companies," which is grammatically incorrect and unclear.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of personal information being held by large internet companies. The introduction acknowledges differing viewpoints, and the body paragraphs provide arguments for both sides. However, the discussion of advantages is somewhat underdeveloped compared to the disadvantages. For instance, while the essay mentions that personal data can help organizations improve their services, it does not elaborate on specific examples or benefits that individuals might experience from this data collection.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should provide more detailed examples of the advantages. For instance, discussing how personalized services or targeted advertisements can improve user experience would strengthen the argument. Additionally, ensuring that both sides are balanced in terms of depth and detail would provide a more comprehensive answer.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding statement. However, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. The phrase "However, the risks that a certain individual might get into are wholly outweigh the advantages" could be clearer in indicating the shift in focus.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the essay could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, explicitly stating "While there are benefits, the following points illustrate why the drawbacks are more significant" would clarify the transition and reinforce the writer’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly regarding the disadvantages of data collection, such as susceptibility to crime and lack of privacy. However, the support for these ideas could be stronger. For instance, while the mention of cybercrime is relevant, the explanation lacks depth and specific examples that could illustrate the severity of the issue. The advantages section is also brief and lacks substantial support.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples or statistics. For instance, citing studies on data breaches or providing real-world examples of identity theft could enhance the argument. Similarly, expanding on the advantages with concrete examples would provide a more balanced and supported discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays on topic, focusing on the implications of personal data collection by internet companies. However, there are moments where the language becomes slightly convoluted, which may distract from the main argument. For example, phrases like "the information shared online include IP address, credit card number, passport etc can be exploited for illicit purpose such as finance fraud" could be clearer and more concise.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the writer should aim for more straightforward language and avoid overly complex sentence structures. Simplifying sentences and ensuring that each point directly relates to the central argument will help keep the essay on topic and enhance readability.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it can be improved by providing more balanced and detailed examples, enhancing the clarity of transitions, and simplifying language for better focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of personal data collection to the drawbacks is somewhat abrupt. The paragraph discussing benefits could be more clearly linked to the subsequent paragraph on drawbacks, perhaps by summarizing the benefits before transitioning to the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the benefits paragraph, a sentence like "Despite these advantages, there are significant risks that must be considered" could provide a smoother transition to the drawbacks.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the first body paragraph could be more balanced; it primarily lists benefits without adequately addressing counterarguments or elaborating on the implications of these benefits.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph not only presents ideas but also engages with them critically. For instance, the first body paragraph could include a sentence that acknowledges potential downsides of the benefits mentioned, which would enrich the discussion and provide a more nuanced view.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly" and "Secondly," to structure the argument. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, some sentences lack clear connections, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "In addition," "Conversely," and "On the other hand." For example, when transitioning from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks, phrases like "Conversely, it is important to consider the potential risks" can create a clearer connection between ideas. Additionally, ensure that pronouns and synonyms are used effectively to avoid repetition and maintain coherence.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "personal information," "massive internet corporations," and "cyber crimes." However, the use of phrases like "optimistic contribution" and "potential problem" lacks nuance and could be expressed more effectively. The phrase "sensible reasons" is somewhat vague and does not convey a strong argument.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more varied and sophisticated synonyms. For instance, instead of "massive," you might use "large-scale" or "vast." Additionally, replacing "optimistic contribution" with "positive impact" or "beneficial effect" would clarify your argument. Aim to use more descriptive adjectives and adverbs to convey your points more vividly.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the risks that a certain individual might get into are wholly outweigh the advantages." The phrase "wholly outweigh" is awkward and should be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, "the field control their work better" is unclear and could confuse readers regarding what "field" refers to.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects your intended meaning. For example, instead of "the field control their work better," you could say "organizations can manage their operations more effectively." Ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and convey your ideas clearly. Regularly consult a thesaurus or vocabulary resource to find more precise terms.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "organisations" (should be "organizations" in American English), "latter" (should be "later"), and "inflation" (which is contextually incorrect and should likely be "harm" or "damage"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break and then review your essay with fresh eyes, focusing specifically on spelling and grammar. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help catch errors before submission. Practice writing frequently and review commonly misspelled words to enhance your overall spelling skills.

By addressing these areas, you can significantly improve your lexical resource and overall writing quality in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of conditional structures ("Were it not for holding personal input…") shows an attempt to employ more sophisticated grammar. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar structure, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "the risks that a certain individual might get into are wholly outweigh the advantages," which detracts from clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use different conjunctions to connect ideas. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Firstly" or "Secondly," consider using phrases like "In addition," or "Moreover," to introduce new points. Additionally, experimenting with more complex structures, such as relative clauses or participial phrases, can enhance the richness of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that impact clarity and coherence. For example, "the others totally deny and believe that this could be potential problem" should read "the others totally deny and believe that this could be a potential problem." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "the risks that a certain individual might get into are wholly outweigh the advantages," which should be corrected to "the risks that a certain individual might get into wholly outweigh the advantages." Punctuation errors are present as well, particularly with commas; for instance, "the information shared online include IP address, credit card number, passport etc can be exploited" should include a comma before "etc." and "can be exploited."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and article usage. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and grammatical mistakes. Additionally, practicing specific grammar exercises targeting common issues, such as sentence fragments and run-on sentences, can be beneficial. For punctuation, reviewing the rules for comma usage and practicing with exercises can help solidify understanding.

In summary, while the essay shows some effort in using a range of structures, there are significant areas for improvement in both grammatical accuracy and the variety of sentence forms. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, the personal information of many individuals is collected by large-scale internet corporations and organizations. Some people believe this will contribute positively, whereas others strongly oppose this view and argue that it could pose a potential problem. From my perspective, I believe that the drawbacks will outweigh the benefits.

There are compelling reasons why some individuals advocate for the benefits of this situation. Firstly, it is evident that private data is stored logically and efficiently. Important announcements, for example, are always received from work or organizations via Gmail or SMS, which are provided to entrepreneurs through their personal contacts. Secondly, the private data of many individuals helps organizations enhance field management. Were it not for holding personal input, organizations would not be able to propose certain benefits for customers.

However, the risks that individuals might face far outweigh the advantages they could receive. First of all, posting personal data online renders users potentially vulnerable to criminal activities. The information shared online includes IP addresses, credit card numbers, and passports, which can be exploited for illicit purposes such as financial fraud. Secondly, the fact that personal information is held means that people experience a lack of privacy when using the internet. If someone were to obtain private information we have shared online, it is extremely difficult to remove. For example, social networks provide little privacy protection. Facebook, as one of the most popular social networks, doesn’t offer much privacy protection for its users. Therefore, personal information becomes a potential target for cyber crimes, which could lead to inflation for companies.

In conclusion, while the trend of collecting personal information by large-scale corporations could bring certain advantages, the negative impacts of this trend generally outweigh its benefits.