The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies
and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
In today’s society, information about personal identification is kept by internet corporations
bringing to residents both merits and demerits. From my point of view, the benefits of holding
personal details are negated by the problems caused. This essay aims to shed light on and express
my opinions.
On one hand, I do not deny the upsides of personal data being stored by a number of internet
giants. Firstly, the government departments would properly collect personal information which
aims to raise security for residents. To illustrate, when it comes to a lawsuit, cops instantly
connect with large internet companies and organizations to gather personal information of
suspects that find more traces. Secondly, holding personal details is beneficial for learning more
about customer behaviors. For instance, some giants usually do market research from this kind of
information so that by delving into customers’s interests, they can provide a professional service.
On the other hand, I am of the opinion that internet companies keep the personal details of users,
entailing a large amount of issues. One of which is the risk of information leakage. It does not
mention the fact that nowadays, some bad companies even sell the personal information of users
for their profits, having a detrimental effect on the personal lives of customers, and triggering
nervousness about invasion of privacy. On top of that, some bad guys use information about
personal identification for evil intentions. For example, a lot of girls are victims of leaking
personal details, and their pictures are edited using intelligent artificial pornographic videos or
images.
In conclusion, even though I admit that providing information for some internet companies can
bring convenience and the best service. However, I lean toward the idea that keeping the
information of personal identification can lead to lost personal privacy and becoming the victim
of social media by bad guys.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In today’s society" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "Contemporary" is a more precise and formal term than "today’s," which can sound somewhat colloquial and dated in academic writing. -
"bringing to residents both merits and demerits" -> "presenting both advantages and disadvantages to residents"
Explanation: "Presenting both advantages and disadvantages" is a more formal and precise way to describe the dual effects of something, aligning better with academic style. -
"the benefits of holding personal details are negated by the problems caused" -> "the benefits of retaining personal information are outweighed by the problems it causes"
Explanation: "Retaining personal information" is more specific than "holding personal details," and "outweighed by the problems it causes" is a more formal and accurate expression than "negated by the problems caused." -
"I do not deny the upsides" -> "I acknowledge the advantages"
Explanation: "Acknowledge" is more formal and academically appropriate than "do not deny," which can sound defensive or informal. -
"properly collect personal information which aims to raise security for residents" -> "effectively collect personal information to enhance resident security"
Explanation: "Effectively" is more precise than "properly," and "enhance resident security" is a clearer and more formal way to express the purpose of collecting information. -
"cops instantly connect with large internet companies and organizations" -> "authorities immediately contact major internet companies and organizations"
Explanation: "Authorities" is a more formal term than "cops," and "immediately contact" is more precise than "instantly connect." -
"holding personal details is beneficial for learning more about customer behaviors" -> "retaining personal information facilitates understanding customer behavior"
Explanation: "Retaining personal information" is more formal than "holding personal details," and "facilitates understanding" is a more precise and academic way to describe the role of information in customer behavior analysis. -
"some giants usually do market research from this kind of information" -> "these companies typically conduct market research using this type of information"
Explanation: "These companies" is more specific and formal than "some giants," and "conduct market research using" is more precise and formal than "do market research from." -
"entailing a large amount of issues" -> "involving numerous issues"
Explanation: "Involving numerous issues" is more formal and precise than "entailing a large amount of issues," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"It does not mention the fact that" -> "It is worth noting that"
Explanation: "It is worth noting that" is a more formal and academic way to introduce a point, compared to "It does not mention the fact that," which is somewhat awkward and informal. -
"bad companies even sell the personal information of users for their profits" -> "unscrupulous companies may sell user data for financial gain"
Explanation: "Unscrupulous companies" is a more precise and formal term than "bad companies," and "may sell user data for financial gain" is more specific and formal than "sell the personal information of users for their profits." -
"having a detrimental effect on the personal lives of customers, and triggering nervousness about invasion of privacy" -> "adversely affecting the personal lives of customers and heightening concerns about privacy invasion"
Explanation: "Adversely affecting" is more formal than "having a detrimental effect," and "heightening concerns about privacy invasion" is a more precise and formal way to describe the impact on privacy concerns. -
"bad guys use information about personal identification for evil intentions" -> "malicious individuals exploit personal identification for nefarious purposes"
Explanation: "Malicious individuals" and "nefarious purposes" are more formal and precise terms than "bad guys" and "evil intentions," which are too colloquial and vague for academic writing. -
"a lot of girls are victims of leaking personal details" -> "numerous individuals have been victims of personal data breaches"
Explanation: "Numerous individuals" is more formal and inclusive than "a lot of girls," and "personal data breaches" is a more precise term than "leaking personal details." -
"and their pictures are edited using intelligent artificial pornographic videos or images" -> "and their images are manipulated into explicit content using artificial intelligence"
Explanation: "Manipulated into explicit content" is a more precise and formal way to describe the alteration of images, and "artificial intelligence" is a more formal term than "intelligent artificial." -
"even though I admit that providing information for some internet companies can bring convenience and the best service" -> "although I acknowledge that providing information to certain internet companies can offer convenience and superior service"
Explanation: "Although I acknowledge" is
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of personal information being held by internet companies. The author acknowledges the benefits, such as improved security and enhanced customer service through data analysis. However, the disadvantages are also presented, particularly focusing on privacy risks and the potential for misuse of personal data. While both sides are mentioned, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of these points. For instance, the advantages could be elaborated further to provide a clearer comparison with the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should ensure that each advantage is matched with a corresponding disadvantage, thereby providing a more structured and balanced argument. Additionally, including specific examples or statistics could strengthen the discussion of each point.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author presents a clear position that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, stating, "the benefits of holding personal details are negated by the problems caused." However, this position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For example, the conclusion introduces a slight ambiguity by stating, "even though I admit that providing information for some internet companies can bring convenience," which could confuse readers about the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently reiterate their viewpoint throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. Phrasing like "Despite the advantages, I firmly believe that…" could help clarify the stance and reinforce the argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of data collection. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the essay mentions the benefits of government access to personal data for security reasons, it does not delve into how this directly benefits individuals or society as a whole. Similarly, the discussion of privacy risks lacks depth, particularly regarding the implications of data breaches.
- How to improve: To improve, the author should aim to extend their ideas by providing more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, they could discuss specific cases of data breaches or privacy violations to illustrate the risks involved. Additionally, exploring the implications of these risks on individuals’ lives could provide a more robust argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of personal data collection. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the mention of "bad guys" using personal information could be more clearly tied back to the main argument about the risks of data collection rather than appearing as a somewhat tangential point.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This can be achieved by clearly linking examples back to the main argument and avoiding overly broad or vague statements that may distract from the core discussion.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of personal data storage to the drawbacks feels abrupt. The essay mentions government benefits and market research but does not seamlessly connect these points to the subsequent discussion on risks, which could confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Conversely" or "On the contrary" can help guide the reader through the shifts in argumentation. Structuring the essay with a more defined outline before writing can also aid in maintaining a logical progression of ideas.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the body paragraphs could benefit from clearer delineation between the advantages and disadvantages, as the current structure blends these discussions somewhat.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that indicates whether the paragraph will discuss advantages or disadvantages. Additionally, consider using a separate paragraph for the conclusion that summarizes the main points and reinforces the writer’s stance. This would provide a more cohesive structure and make it easier for the reader to digest the information.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "On the other hand," and "For example," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the transition between discussing the benefits of data storage and the risks associated with it could be more fluid.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Furthermore," "In contrast," and "Consequently." This will enhance the flow of ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas, which will help the reader understand the connections more clearly.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments in a structured manner, enhancing logical organization, refining paragraphing, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "personal identification," "internet corporations," "upsides," and "detrimental effect." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "personal information" and "internet companies." This limits the overall lexical variety and can detract from the sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "personal information," alternatives like "private data," "individual details," or "sensitive information" could be employed. Additionally, using more varied adjectives and adverbs would enrich the descriptions, such as replacing "bad companies" with "malicious entities" or "nefarious organizations."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the government departments would properly collect personal information" could be misleading, as it implies a level of trustworthiness that may not be universally accepted. Additionally, "cops" is an informal term that may not be appropriate in an academic context.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should choose words that accurately reflect the intended meaning and context. For example, replacing "cops" with "law enforcement agencies" would be more suitable for an academic essay. Furthermore, clarifying phrases like "to gather personal information of suspects that find more traces" could enhance understanding; a more precise formulation could be "to gather personal information about suspects to uncover additional evidence."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "customers’s interests" (should be "customers’ interests") and "intelligent artificial pornographic videos" (which is awkwardly phrased). These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully or use spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and terms relevant to the essay topic can help reduce errors. Regular reading and writing practice can also improve overall spelling skills, as exposure to correctly spelled words reinforces learning.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will enhance the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score for Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "On one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduces contrasting points. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward sentence constructions, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For instance, the sentence "Firstly, the government departments would properly collect personal information which aims to raise security for residents" could be restructured for more complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Firstly" or "Secondly," consider using introductory phrases or clauses such as "In addition to this," or "While there are benefits, it is crucial to consider the drawbacks." This would not only diversify the sentence structures but also improve the overall flow of the essay.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, the phrase "cops instantly connect with large internet companies and organizations to gather personal information of suspects that find more traces" is awkwardly constructed and contains a subject-verb agreement issue. Additionally, the phrase "customers’s interests" incorrectly uses an apostrophe, as it should be "customers’ interests." There are also instances of run-on sentences, such as "even though I admit that providing information for some internet companies can bring convenience and the best service," which could be broken into two sentences for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper use of possessive forms, and sentence structure. A thorough proofreading process is essential; reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and run-on sentences. Additionally, practicing specific grammar exercises that target common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation rules, would be beneficial. It may also help to seek feedback from peers or use grammar-checking tools to catch mistakes before finalizing the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents clear arguments, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and grammatical accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s society, information about personal identification is kept by internet corporations, presenting both advantages and disadvantages to residents. From my point of view, the benefits of retaining personal details are outweighed by the problems it causes. This essay aims to shed light on and express my opinions.
On one hand, I acknowledge the advantages of personal data being stored by a number of internet giants. Firstly, government departments can effectively collect personal information to enhance resident security. To illustrate, when it comes to a lawsuit, authorities immediately contact large internet companies and organizations to gather personal information about suspects, which helps to find more traces. Secondly, retaining personal details facilitates understanding customer behavior. For instance, some giants typically conduct market research using this type of information so that by delving into customers’ interests, they can provide a superior service.
On the other hand, I am of the opinion that internet companies keeping the personal details of users entails numerous issues. One of these is the risk of information leakage. It is worth noting that nowadays, some unscrupulous companies may sell user data for financial gain, adversely affecting the personal lives of customers and heightening concerns about privacy invasion. On top of that, malicious individuals exploit personal identification for nefarious purposes. For example, numerous individuals have been victims of personal data breaches, and their images are manipulated into explicit content using artificial intelligence.
In conclusion, although I acknowledge that providing information to certain internet companies can offer convenience and superior service, I lean toward the idea that retaining personal identification information can lead to lost personal privacy and make individuals vulnerable to exploitation by malicious actors.