The pie chart gives information about the country of birth of people living in Australia and the table shows where people born in these countries live.

The pie chart gives information about the country of birth of people living in Australia and the table shows where
people born in these countries live.

The given charts illustrate the percentages of inhabitants Australia coming from five countries as well as the proportions of city-dwellers and those living in the countryside. In general, Australian accounted for a significant portion, surpassing others by a considerable margin. Additionally, another outstanding feature is that Chinese people have the most tendency to live in urban areas, whereas the least percentage of urban residents falls to the figure for Kiwis.
The highest proportion of people residing in Australia is that of Australian, which constitutes nearly three-fourths of the pie. The percentage of British people stand at the second rank, occupying only one-fifth of the aforementioned figure, about 14%. Holding the third rank is the rate of those coming from New Zealand, which makes up only 7% of the total. Chinese, Dutch and people from other nations comprise of minor 3%, 2% and 1%, respectively, taking the three last ranks.
According to the table, almost every Chinese in Australia inhabits in the cities, as there are only 1% of them staying in the rural areas. The proportions of Dutch and British living in the urban regions are about 10% less, taking up 90% and 89%, respectively, holding the second and third position. The last two figures are people from Australia and New Zealand, which has less significant portions of city-dwellers, at about 83% and 80%, respectively, indicating that the rates of people locating in the countryside are 17% and 20%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given charts illustrate" -> "The charts illustrate"
Explanation: Removing "the given" simplifies the phrase and maintains a more formal tone appropriate for academic writing.
"inhabitants Australia coming from" -> "residents of Australia from"
Explanation: "Residents of Australia from" is more grammatically correct and clearer, as "inhabitants" is typically used to refer to the people living in a place, not the people who come from a place.
"surpassing others by a considerable margin" -> "exceeding others significantly"
Explanation: "Exceeding others significantly" is more concise and academically formal than "surpassing others by a considerable margin," which is slightly redundant.
"have the most tendency" -> "tend to be more likely"
Explanation: "Tend to be more likely" is a more precise and formal expression than "have the most tendency," which is awkward and less commonly used in formal writing.
"the least percentage of urban residents falls to the figure for Kiwis" -> "the lowest percentage of urban residents is that of Kiwis"
Explanation: "The lowest percentage of urban residents is that of Kiwis" is clearer and more direct, avoiding the awkward construction of "falls to the figure."
"which constitutes nearly three-fourths of the pie" -> "which comprises nearly three-fourths of the population"
Explanation: "Comprises" is more precise and appropriate for describing the proportion of a population, and "population" is the correct term to use instead of "pie," which is an idiomatic expression.
"The percentage of British people stand at the second rank" -> "The percentage of British people ranks second"
Explanation: "Ranks second" is a more direct and formal way to express the ranking, avoiding the awkward "stand at the second rank."
"which makes up only 7% of the total" -> "accounting for only 7% of the total"
Explanation: "Accounting for" is a more formal and precise way to describe the proportion of a group within a larger population.
"comprise of minor 3%, 2% and 1%" -> "comprise a minor 3%, 2%, and 1%"
Explanation: Adding commas after the numbers and before the "and" improves readability and grammatical accuracy.
"inhabits in the cities" -> "reside in the cities"
Explanation: "Reside" is a more formal and precise verb than "inhabit" in this context, and "in the cities" is grammatically correct.
"taking up 90% and 89%" -> "comprising 90% and 89%"
Explanation: "Comprising" is more appropriate for describing the composition of a group, and it is more formal than "taking up."
"has less significant portions of city-dwellers" -> "has smaller proportions of urban dwellers"
Explanation: "Smaller proportions" is more precise and formal than "less significant portions," and "urban dwellers" is a more specific term than "city-dwellers."
"people locating in the countryside" -> "people residing in rural areas"
Explanation: "Residing in rural areas" is more specific and formal than "locating in the countryside," which is less precise and somewhat informal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses all the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the information in the charts. The essay adequately highlights the key features of the charts, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "almost every Chinese in Australia inhabits in the cities," which is not entirely accurate as 1% of Chinese people live in rural areas.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the most important information in the charts and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, instead of saying "almost every Chinese in Australia inhabits in the cities," the essay could say "99% of Chinese people in Australia live in cities."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression. The introduction sets the context well, and the body paragraphs logically follow the information presented in the charts. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and the referencing could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the aforementioned figure" could be simplified for better clarity. Additionally, while the essay uses paragraphs, the organization within them could be improved for better logical flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, avoiding repetitive phrases. Improving the clarity of referencing will also help the reader follow the argument more easily. Furthermore, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are logically sequenced will contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary that is generally appropriate for the task. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "inhabitants," "proportions," and "significant," but there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing, such as "the highest proportion of people residing in Australia is that of Australian." Additionally, there are some errors in word formation, such as "the percentage of British people stand" which should be "stands." While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary with more precision and accuracy. This includes avoiding awkward phrases and ensuring correct grammatical structures. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated lexical items and ensuring correct collocations would enhance the essay’s lexical resource. Regular practice with varied vocabulary and peer feedback can help identify and correct common errors in word choice and formation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that occasionally hinder communication. For instance, phrases like "the percentages of inhabitants Australia" and "the rate of those coming from New Zealand" exhibit grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, the use of "Australian accounted for" should be "Australians accounted for." Overall, while the essay presents relevant information, the errors in grammar and punctuation are noticeable and affect the overall clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. This can be done by proofreading for common errors, ensuring subject-verb agreement, and refining sentence complexity. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and varying sentence structures can enhance the overall quality of the writing. Practicing with more complex sentences and ensuring that they are grammatically correct will also contribute to a better score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given charts illustrate the percentages of inhabitants in Australia coming from five countries, as well as the proportions of city-dwellers and those living in the countryside. In general, Australians accounted for a significant portion, surpassing others by a considerable margin. Additionally, another notable feature is that Chinese people have the highest tendency to live in urban areas, whereas the lowest percentage of urban residents is found among Kiwis.

The highest proportion of people residing in Australia is that of Australians, which constitutes nearly three-fourths of the pie chart. The percentage of British people ranks second, occupying only one-fifth of the aforementioned figure, at about 14%. Holding the third rank is the rate of those coming from New Zealand, which makes up only 7% of the total. Chinese, Dutch, and people from other nations comprise minor percentages of 3%, 2%, and 1%, respectively, taking the last three ranks.

According to the table, almost all Chinese in Australia reside in cities, as only 1% of them live in rural areas. The proportions of Dutch and British living in urban regions are about 10% less, at 90% and 89%, respectively, holding the second and third positions. The last two figures are for people from Australia and New Zealand, which have less significant portions of city-dwellers, at about 83% and 80%, respectively, indicating that the rates of people living in the countryside are 17% and 20%.