the pie charts compare various means of purchasing beauty products from 2005 to 2015

The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of compare different means of buying items over a period of 10 years, starting from 2005.

In general, while figure for online witnessed upward trend, the opposite was true for that for supermarkets, department store, drug stores, and specialty retail stores. Moreover, parties and home shows remain unchanged over the period.

Looking closely at the chart, the number of online started at 2% in 2005, before increasing to 8% in 2010, followed by a rocket to 32% in 2015. Besides, there was a remain unchanged in the proportion of parties and home shows, from 1% to 1% in the last period years.

Turning downward trends, the percentage of supermarket decreased significantly, from 18% to 12% in 2015. Similarly, there was a minimal decreased in the number of department stores, from 43% to 35% in 2015, followed by a decline for drug stores from 16% to 5% in 2015. the percentage of specialty retail stores experienced a considerable decrease, from 20 to 15% in the last period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart provided illustrates"
Explanation: Moving "the provided" to the end of the sentence improves the grammatical structure and flow of the sentence, aligning with formal academic style.
"compare different means of buying items" -> "comparative methods of purchasing products"
Explanation: "Comparative methods of purchasing products" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague and informal "different means of buying items."
"figure for online" -> "percentage for online"
Explanation: "Percentage" is more precise and appropriate in this context than "figure," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"witnessed upward trend" -> "experienced an upward trend"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more formal and academically appropriate than "witnessed" in this context, indicating a direct impact on the data.
"opposite was true for that for supermarkets, department store, drug stores, and specialty retail stores" -> "opposite trend was observed in supermarkets, department stores, drug stores, and specialty retail stores"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammatical structure, making it more formal and precise.
"parties and home shows remain unchanged" -> "parties and home shows remained unchanged"
Explanation: "Remained" is the correct past participle form to use with "unchanged," improving grammatical accuracy.
"the number of online started at" -> "the proportion of online purchases began at"
Explanation: "Proportion of online purchases" is more specific and formal than "the number of online," which is vague and informal.
"rocket to" -> "increased significantly to"
Explanation: "Increased significantly to" is more formal and precise than the colloquial "rocket to."
"remain unchanged in the proportion of parties and home shows" -> "remained unchanged in the proportion of parties and home shows"
Explanation: Correcting "remain" to "remained" for consistency with the past tense used throughout the essay.
"last period years" -> "last period of years"
Explanation: Adding "of" corrects the grammatical structure and makes the phrase more formal.
"Turning downward trends" -> "Turning to downward trends"
Explanation: "Turning to downward trends" is grammatically correct and more formal, whereas "Turning downward trends" is awkward and incorrect.
"minimal decreased" -> "minimal decrease"
Explanation: "Decrease" should be a singular noun to match the singular verb "was," improving grammatical agreement.
"the percentage of specialty retail stores experienced a considerable decrease" -> "the proportion of specialty retail stores experienced a considerable decrease"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more precise and appropriate in this context, aligning with the academic style of the essay.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the language, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "the number of online started at 2% in 2005, before increasing to 8% in 2010, followed by a rocket to 32% in 2015." This is a bit wordy and could be more concise. The essay also presents some key features, but the details are not always relevant or accurate. For example, the essay states that "the percentage of specialty retail stores experienced a considerable decrease, from 20 to 15% in the last period." This is not entirely accurate, as the percentage actually decreased from 9% to 5%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by presenting the information in a more concise and accurate way. The writer could also focus on providing more relevant details about the key features of the data. For example, the writer could discuss the reasons why online shopping has become more popular in recent years.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare different means of purchasing beauty products, the transitions between ideas are often unclear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, as some ideas are jumbled together without clear separation.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas more logically and ensuring that each paragraph presents a clear central topic. Improving the use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and referencing, will help to clarify the relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that paragraphs are distinct and clearly structured will aid in the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the pie charts, the vocabulary used is basic and at times repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the proportion of compare different means" and "there was a remain unchanged," which detract from the overall clarity of the essay. Additionally, spelling and grammatical errors, such as "the opposite was true for that for supermarkets" and "the percentage of specialty retail stores experienced a considerable decrease," may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the essay conveys the main ideas but lacks the precision and sophistication expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more varied and precise language. They should also work on improving grammatical accuracy and ensuring that word forms are used correctly. Incorporating less common lexical items and ensuring that collocations are appropriate would enhance the essay’s overall quality. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors before submission could help improve clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts to use complex sentences, these often lack accuracy, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like "the proportion of compare different means" and "there was a remain unchanged" indicate a misunderstanding of structure and verb forms. Additionally, errors in punctuation, such as the lack of capitalization at the beginning of sentences, further hinder clarity. Overall, while the essay communicates the main ideas, the grammatical inaccuracies can cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate flexibility.
Grammar Practice: Review and practice verb forms and subject-verb agreement to reduce errors.
Punctuation and Capitalization: Pay attention to punctuation rules and ensure proper capitalization at the beginning of sentences.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay for grammatical and structural errors before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of various means of purchasing beauty products over a period of 10 years, starting from 2005.

In general, while the figure for online purchases witnessed an upward trend, the opposite was true for supermarkets, department stores, drug stores, and specialty retail stores. Moreover, the proportions for parties and home shows remained unchanged over the period.

Looking closely at the chart, the number of online purchases started at 2% in 2005, before increasing to 8% in 2010, followed by a significant rise to 32% in 2015. Additionally, there was no change in the proportion of parties and home shows, remaining constant at 1% throughout the last period.

Turning to the downward trends, the percentage of supermarket purchases decreased significantly, from 18% to 12% by 2015. Similarly, there was a minimal decrease in the number of department store purchases, from 43% to 35% in 2015, followed by a decline in drug store purchases from 16% to 5% in 2015. The percentage of specialty retail stores also experienced a considerable decrease, from 20% to 15% in the final period.