The pie charts show the main reasons for migration to and from the UK in 2007.

The following pie charts show the percentage of individuals who immigrated to and from a European nation in 2007 for various reasons.

Generally, it is easy to see that, aside from less common and unexplained reasons, immigration was primarily connected to different forms of employment, education, and traveling with someone. Similar to this, emigration was mostly motivated by work, with non-determinate work being more common; formal education was less common, and less specific motivations were more popular.

Of those who immigrated to the UK for employment and education, thirty percent arrived with specific job in mind—just one percent more than those who left for the same reason. More people were moving 12% than leaving 22%, and this difference was even more pronounced when it came to formal education 26% of immigrants and only 4% of emigrants left for education.
Similar to the percentages for accompanying another person 15% and 13%, respectively, there was a relative alignment for other reasons, with 11% traveling for another reason and 14% emigrating. Lastly, only 6% of people travel to the UK for no specific reason, yet three times as many people leave without a stated purpose.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Generally, it is easy to see that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is more formal and precise, fitting better in academic writing than "it is easy to see that," which is somewhat colloquial and less specific.
"aside from less common and unexplained reasons" -> "excluding less common and unspecified reasons"
Explanation: "excluding" is more precise and formal than "aside from," and "unspecified" is a clearer term than "unexplained," which can imply a lack of understanding rather than simply a lack of explanation.
"immigration was primarily connected to different forms of employment, education, and traveling with someone" -> "immigration was primarily driven by various forms of employment, education, and accompanying individuals"
Explanation: "driven by" is more specific and formal than "connected to," and "accompanying individuals" is a more precise term than "traveling with someone," which is informal and vague.
"Similar to this, emigration was mostly motivated by work" -> "Similarly, emigration was primarily motivated by work"
Explanation: "Similarly" is more appropriate for connecting two similar points within an academic text, and "primarily motivated" is more formal than "mostly motivated."
"non-determinate work" -> "non-determinative work"
Explanation: "non-determinative" is the correct term, whereas "non-determinate" is not a standard term in English.
"More people were moving 12% than leaving 22%" -> "More individuals migrated at a rate of 12% than departed at a rate of 22%"
Explanation: "individuals migrated" and "departed" are more formal and specific than "people were moving" and "leaving," and using "at a rate of" clarifies the percentages.
"Similar to the percentages for accompanying another person" -> "Comparable to the percentages for accompanying others"
Explanation: "Comparable" is more academically precise than "similar," and "others" is more formal than "another person."
"there was a relative alignment for other reasons" -> "there was a comparable distribution for other reasons"
Explanation: "comparable distribution" is more specific and formal than "relative alignment," which is vague and less commonly used in this context.
"only 6% of people travel to the UK for no specific reason" -> "only 6% of individuals traveled to the UK without a stated purpose"
Explanation: "individuals" is more formal than "people," and "without a stated purpose" is more precise than "for no specific reason."
"yet three times as many people leave without a stated purpose" -> "yet threefold more individuals departed without a stated purpose"
Explanation: "threefold more" is a more precise and formal expression than "three times as many," and "departed" is more formal than "leave."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main reasons for migration to and from the UK in 2007. The essay presents information appropriately selected from the pie charts, highlighting key features and bullet points. However, the essay does not fully extend the details of the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "More people were moving 12% than leaving 22%," which is not accurate. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "Similar to the percentages for accompanying another person 15% and 13%, respectively, there was a relative alignment for other reasons, with 11% traveling for another reason and 14% emigrating." This detail is not relevant to the main focus of the essay, which is to compare the reasons for migration to and from the UK.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the key features and by removing irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, instead of saying "More people were moving 12% than leaving 22%," the essay could say "The percentage of people who immigrated to the UK for work was 12%, while the percentage of people who emigrated from the UK for work was 22%."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs logically follow the trends in the pie charts. However, while cohesive devices are used, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences feels mechanical or lacks clarity. For example, phrases like "Similar to this" and "Similar to the percentages" could be better articulated to enhance flow. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be more effectively grouped together.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the clarity and variety of cohesive devices used. This includes avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring that each paragraph maintains a clear central topic. Improving the logical flow of ideas and ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next would also strengthen coherence. Lastly, refining the use of referencing and substitution can help to avoid redundancy and create a more engaging narrative.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms such as "immigrated," "emigration," "employment," and "education." However, the attempt to use less common vocabulary is inconsistent, and there are inaccuracies in word choice, such as "non-determinate work" which may confuse readers. While the vocabulary used does not impede communication, there are some errors in word formation and phrasing that detract from clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary with more precision and accuracy. This could include using more sophisticated synonyms and ensuring that less common lexical items are used correctly. Additionally, focusing on reducing errors in word formation and improving collocation would strengthen the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings, such as "more people were moving 12% than leaving 22%" which lacks clarity and precision. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas, which can affect the reader’s understanding. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the main ideas to be conveyed.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their complex sentence structures and ensuring that punctuation is used correctly throughout the essay. Practicing more complex grammatical forms and varying sentence structures while maintaining clarity will enhance the overall grammatical range and accuracy. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors and awkward phrasing can help improve the essay’s coherence and fluency.

Bài sửa mẫu

The following pie charts illustrate the percentage of individuals who immigrated to and from the UK in 2007 for various reasons.

Generally, it is evident that, aside from less common and unspecified reasons, immigration was primarily linked to different forms of employment, education, and traveling with someone. Similarly, emigration was predominantly motivated by work, with non-specific employment being more prevalent; formal education was less common, while vague motivations were more popular.

Among those who immigrated to the UK for employment and education, thirty percent arrived with a specific job in mind—just one percent more than those who left for the same reason. A greater number of individuals moved for employment, with 12% immigrating compared to 22% emigrating, and this difference was even more pronounced regarding formal education, with 26% of immigrants and only 4% of emigrants leaving for educational purposes.

In terms of accompanying another person, the percentages were relatively close, with 15% of immigrants and 13% of emigrants traveling for this reason. There was also a similar trend for other reasons, with 11% traveling for unspecified reasons and 14% emigrating. Lastly, only 6% of individuals traveled to the UK for no specific reason, whereas three times as many people left without a stated purpose.