The pie charts show the size of classes in primary schools in four states in Australia in 2010.

The pie charts compare the classes’ size in primary schools in four Australian regions in 2010.

Overall, the classes with 30 students and more was the smallest contribution in all states. By contrast, those having from 21 to 25 students held the largest part in most areas, except South Australia, where classes with 20 students or fewer were most common.

In New South Wales, classes with 21-25 learners occupied the first place, at 37%, followed closely by those with 26-30 and under 20 students (at 33% and 26% respectively). Meanwhile, in South Australia, the percentage of classes with fewer 20 students was at 36%, surpassing those with 21-25 learners (33%) and 26-30 ones (28%). Outstandingly, both aforementioned regions had the same rate of classes having 30 students and above, with 4%.

Regarding Australia Capital Territory, the proportion of classes with 21-25 students accounted for 51% which far outweighed those with 20 and fewer ones, at 38% while both two types of classes with 26-30 and 30 and more students recorded small figures with 10% and solely 1% in return. Similar pattern was seen in Western Australia, where classes with 21-25 learners were also dominant with 42%, being superior to those with 26-30 students (27%) and 20 or fewer ones (26%). Meanwhile, merely 5% of classes with 30 and more were witnessed in this region in 2010.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the classes’ size" -> "the sizes of the classes"
Explanation: "Classes’ size" is awkwardly phrased. "The sizes of the classes" is clearer and more formal, aligning with academic standards.
"the smallest contribution" -> "the smallest proportion"
Explanation: "Contribution" is vague in this context. "Proportion" more accurately describes the relative size of the classes in comparison to others.
"those having from 21 to 25 students" -> "those with 21 to 25 students"
Explanation: "Having from" is unnecessarily complex. "With" is more straightforward and maintains formal tone.
"most common" -> "most prevalent"
Explanation: "Common" is too informal for academic writing. "Prevalent" conveys a stronger sense of frequency and is more suitable for formal contexts.
"at 37%, followed closely by those with 26-30 and under 20 students (at 33% and 26% respectively)" -> "at 37%, closely followed by those with 26-30 students and those with fewer than 20 students (33% and 26%, respectively)"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison and maintains parallel structure, enhancing readability and precision.
"the percentage of classes with fewer 20 students" -> "the percentage of classes with fewer than 20 students"
Explanation: The phrase "fewer 20 students" is grammatically incorrect. "Fewer than 20 students" correctly uses the comparative form.
"Outstandingly" -> "Notably"
Explanation: "Outstandingly" is overly emotional and informal. "Notably" is a more appropriate academic term that indicates significance without emotional connotation.
"both aforementioned regions" -> "both previously mentioned regions"
Explanation: "Aforementioned" is somewhat archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing. "Previously mentioned" is clearer and more accessible.
"the proportion of classes with 21-25 students accounted for 51% which far outweighed those with 20 and fewer ones" -> "the proportion of classes with 21-25 students accounted for 51%, significantly exceeding those with 20 or fewer"
Explanation: "Far outweighed" is informal; "significantly exceeding" is more precise and maintains a formal tone.
"both two types of classes" -> "both types of classes"
Explanation: "Both two" is redundant. "Both types" is sufficient and clearer.
"recorded small figures with 10% and solely 1% in return" -> "recorded low proportions of 10% and only 1%"
Explanation: "Small figures" is vague; "low proportions" is more precise. "Solely" is replaced with "only" for a more natural flow.
"Similar pattern was seen" -> "A similar pattern was observed"
Explanation: "Similar pattern" requires an article for grammatical correctness. "Observed" is more formal than "seen," enhancing the academic tone.
"merely 5% of classes with 30 and more were witnessed" -> "only 5% of classes with 30 or more students were observed"
Explanation: "Merely" is informal; "only" is more straightforward. "Witnessed" is replaced with "observed" for a more formal expression.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers all the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could have provided more specific details about the differences in class size between the four states.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the differences in class size between the four states. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of classes with 21-25 students was significantly higher in Australia Capital Territory and Western Australia than in New South Wales and South Australia. The essay could also provide more specific details about the reasons for these differences. For example, the essay could mention that the population density in Australia Capital Territory and Western Australia is lower than in New South Wales and South Australia, which may lead to smaller class sizes.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences may appear mechanical or faulty. For example, the transitions between states could be smoother, and referencing could be clearer. Paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more distinct separation of ideas.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between ideas and ensuring that cohesive devices are used more naturally. Improving paragraph structure by clearly defining the main idea of each paragraph and ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next would also help. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and avoiding redundancy will strengthen the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It uses some less common lexical items, such as "outweighed" and "proportion," but there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the classes with 30 students and more" which could be more naturally phrased as "classes with 30 or more students." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "Australia Capital Territory," which should be "Australian Capital Territory." While these errors do not severely impede communication, they do affect the overall impression of lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary more accurately, particularly focusing on collocations and natural phrasing. Additionally, minimizing spelling and word formation errors will contribute to a more polished essay. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring precise word choices will also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are noticeable grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing that can hinder communication. For instance, phrases like "the classes with 30 students and more was the smallest contribution" contain subject-verb agreement issues. Additionally, the use of "Outstandingly" and "merely" in certain contexts feels somewhat forced, affecting the overall fluency of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by reviewing subject-verb agreement and ensuring that complex sentences are structured correctly. Increasing the variety of sentence structures and using more precise vocabulary can also improve clarity and coherence. Regular practice with feedback on specific grammatical issues will help in reducing errors and increasing confidence in using complex forms.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts compare the sizes of classes in primary schools across four Australian regions in 2010.

Overall, classes with 30 students or more represented the smallest proportion in all states. In contrast, those with 21 to 25 students comprised the largest segment in most areas, except for South Australia, where classes with 20 students or fewer were the most prevalent.

In New South Wales, classes with 21-25 learners occupied the largest share at 37%, followed closely by those with 26-30 students and under 20 students, which accounted for 33% and 26% respectively. Meanwhile, in South Australia, the percentage of classes with fewer than 20 students was 36%, surpassing those with 21-25 learners (33%) and 26-30 students (28%). Notably, both regions had the same rate of classes with 30 students and above, at 4%.

In the Australian Capital Territory, the proportion of classes with 21-25 students accounted for 51%, significantly exceeding those with 20 or fewer students, which stood at 38%. Both categories of classes with 26-30 students and those with 30 or more students recorded small figures, at 10% and just 1% respectively. A similar pattern was observed in Western Australia, where classes with 21-25 learners were also dominant at 42%, surpassing those with 26-30 students (27%) and 20 or fewer students (26%). Meanwhile, only 5% of classes with 30 or more students were recorded in this region in 2010.