The plan below shows a student room for two people and a student room for one person at an Australian university.
The plan below shows a student room for two people and a student room for one person at an Australian university.
The maps illustrate the disparities between two types of rooms for one or two students in an Australian educational establishment.
Overall, it is evident that the two-occupied room offers a more spacious living area, which results in its higher rental price compared to the single room.
In terms of size, the dual room is larger (6 metres in length and 4 metres in width), which leads to a higher capacity and leasing fee (350 dollars per week). In contrast, the one-student room is smaller, at exactly 2.5 metres in width and the occupancy cost is roughly half the wider room (200 dollars a week). Looking at the interior of two rooms, essential furnishings could be identified on the left of the door, including a study desk, a bookshelf, a bed, and a bathroom as an integral part of the layout, which are precisely located on the same positions.
On the right of the door, the set of kitchen equipment could be recognized, such as a microwave, a stove, and a sink. They could be found on the same side of the two doors. However, in the double room, they are arranged next to the table and two chairs, whereas the other set in the private room is placed facing the bathroom. Both are offered with a television.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the disparities between two types of rooms" -> "the differences between two types of accommodations"
Explanation: "Disparities" often implies a significant inequality, which may not be the intended meaning. "Differences" is a more neutral term, and "accommodations" is more precise in an educational context. -
"the two-occupied room" -> "the double-occupancy room"
Explanation: "Two-occupied" is awkward and not standard terminology. "Double-occupancy" is a widely accepted term in housing contexts, enhancing clarity. -
"which results in its higher rental price" -> "resulting in a higher rental price"
Explanation: Changing "which results in its higher rental price" to "resulting in a higher rental price" improves the flow of the sentence and eliminates unnecessary wording. -
"the dual room is larger" -> "the double room is larger"
Explanation: "Dual room" is less common; "double room" is a more standard term that is widely understood in accommodation contexts. -
"the occupancy cost is roughly half the wider room" -> "the occupancy cost is approximately half that of the double room"
Explanation: "Roughly" is too informal; "approximately" is more precise. Additionally, "that of the double room" clarifies the comparison being made. -
"essential furnishings could be identified" -> "essential furnishings are present"
Explanation: "Could be identified" is vague and passive. "Are present" is more direct and assertive, enhancing clarity. -
"as an integral part of the layout, which are precisely located on the same positions" -> "as an integral part of the layout, precisely located in the same positions"
Explanation: The phrase "which are" is unnecessary and can be removed for conciseness. -
"the set of kitchen equipment could be recognized" -> "the kitchen appliances are located"
Explanation: "Could be recognized" is vague and passive. "Are located" is more straightforward and assertive. -
"They could be found on the same side of the two doors" -> "They are situated on the same side of both rooms"
Explanation: "Could be found" is vague; "are situated" is more definitive. "Both rooms" clarifies that the reference is to the two types of accommodations. -
"the other set in the private room is placed facing the bathroom" -> "the appliances in the single room are positioned facing the bathroom"
Explanation: "The other set in the private room" is unclear. Specifying "the appliances in the single room" improves clarity and precision. -
"Both are offered with a television" -> "Both accommodations include a television"
Explanation: "Offered with" is informal; "include" is more precise and aligns better with academic language.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview with information appropriately selected. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the double room is larger (6 metres in length and 4 metres in width), which leads to a higher capacity and leasing fee (350 dollars per week). However, the essay does not provide any information about the capacity of the room or the leasing fee. The essay also states that the one-student room is smaller, at exactly 2.5 metres in width and the occupancy cost is roughly half the wider room (200 dollars a week). However, the essay does not provide any information about the length of the single room.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant information about the key features of the rooms. For example, the essay could provide information about the capacity of the rooms, the leasing fees, and the dimensions of the rooms. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed comparison of the two rooms. For example, the essay could compare the size of the beds, the size of the study desks, and the size of the bathrooms.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas in a coherent manner, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the comparison of the two room types. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical, leading to a lack of fluidity in the writing. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, as the transition between ideas is not always seamless.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer could focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smoother. Additionally, clearer referencing (e.g., using "this" or "these" to refer back to previously mentioned items) could help improve clarity. Organizing the information into distinct paragraphs that each focus on a specific aspect of the comparison would also strengthen the overall structure.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the differences between the two types of student rooms. The use of terms like "disparities," "spacious living area," and "occupancy cost" shows an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing, such as "essential furnishings could be identified" and "set of kitchen equipment could be recognized," which detracts from the overall fluency and naturalness of the language. Additionally, while the essay attempts to use varied vocabulary, it does not consistently demonstrate the sophistication or control expected at higher band levels.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary while ensuring that word choices are appropriate and natural. Practicing the use of synonyms and phrases that convey meaning more fluently can help. Additionally, reducing awkward phrasing and ensuring that all vocabulary is used correctly in context will contribute to a higher score. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and integrating a wider range of lexical items would also be beneficial.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences, indicating good control of grammar and punctuation. The writer effectively uses comparative phrases and descriptive language to convey the differences between the two types of rooms. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as "essential furnishings could be identified" and "could be recognized," which detract from the overall clarity. While these errors do not significantly impede communication, they prevent the essay from achieving a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and reducing awkward phrasing. Practicing the use of more varied sentence forms and ensuring that all sentences are grammatically correct will help in achieving a higher band score. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors and improving clarity in descriptions will contribute to a more polished essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
The maps illustrate the disparities between two types of rooms designed for one or two students at an Australian university.
Overall, it is evident that the dual-occupancy room offers a more spacious living area, which results in a higher rental price compared to the single room.
In terms of size, the dual room is larger, measuring 6 metres in length and 4 metres in width, which accommodates a higher capacity and leasing fee of 350 dollars per week. In contrast, the single-student room is smaller, with a width of exactly 2.5 metres, and the occupancy cost is roughly half that of the larger room, at 200 dollars per week. Examining the interior of both rooms, essential furnishings can be identified on the left side of the door, including a study desk, a bookshelf, a bed, and a bathroom, all of which are positioned in the same locations in both layouts.
On the right side of the door, kitchen equipment is present, including a microwave, a stove, and a sink. These items are located on the same side in both rooms. However, in the dual-occupancy room, they are arranged next to a table and two chairs, while in the single room, the kitchen equipment is positioned facing the bathroom. Both room types are equipped with a television.
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