The plans below show a public park when it first opened in 1920 and the same park today.
The plans below show a public park when it first opened in 1920 and the same park today.
The given diagram describes the layout of a particular public park in 1920, and how it looks now.
Overall, compared to the year 1920, the infrastructure of the park has undergone significant changes. The most striking shifts are the arrangements and displacements of old facilities, and the integration of modern ones, making the park more visitor-friendly.
Upon entering the park from Eldon Street, one can immediately see a large rose garden, surrounded by seats in the middle of the park, which was formerly a fountain. In the Southeast of the Grand Park, there was a rose garden with some seat arrangements that has now been removed. On the right-hand side, the previous glasshouse has given its place to a water feature. Behind the water feature, an underground car park was constructed.
Walking up to the central rose garden, the section that was designed for musicians' stage has been developed into an amphitheater for concerts, in the west. Continuing to the end of the park, which leads to Arnold Avenue. To the left of it, the rose garden has remained intact, but the seats around it have been removed. Meanwhile, in the Southwest, rose garden and water plants have been replaced by a cafe and a children’s playground, respectively.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the layout of a particular public park" -> "the layout of a specific public park"
Explanation: "Specific" is more precise than "particular" in academic writing, enhancing clarity. -
"how it looks now" -> "its current appearance"
Explanation: "Current appearance" is more formal and precise than "how it looks now," aligning better with academic standards. -
"the infrastructure of the park has undergone significant changes" -> "the infrastructure of the park has experienced substantial modifications"
Explanation: "Experienced substantial modifications" is more formal and precise than "undergone significant changes," enhancing the academic tone. -
"the arrangements and displacements of old facilities" -> "the reconfiguration and removal of existing facilities"
Explanation: "Reconfiguration and removal" are more specific and formal than "arrangements and displacements," improving clarity and precision. -
"making the park more visitor-friendly" -> "enhancing the park’s accessibility for visitors"
Explanation: "Enhancing the park’s accessibility for visitors" is more formal and precise than "making the park more visitor-friendly," which is somewhat informal. -
"which was formerly a fountain" -> "which previously housed a fountain"
Explanation: "Previously housed a fountain" is more formal and precise than "was formerly a fountain," improving clarity. -
"there was a rose garden with some seat arrangements that has now been removed" -> "there was a rose garden with seating arrangements that have since been removed"
Explanation: "Seating arrangements" is more precise than "some seat arrangements," and "have since been removed" is more formal than "has now been removed." -
"the previous glasshouse has given its place to a water feature" -> "the former glasshouse has been replaced by a water feature"
Explanation: "Former" is more formal than "previous," and "has been replaced by" is clearer than "has given its place to." -
"Walking up to the central rose garden" -> "Proceeding towards the central rose garden"
Explanation: "Proceeding towards" is more formal than "walking up to," aligning better with academic language. -
"the section that was designed for musicians’ stage has been developed into an amphitheater for concerts" -> "the area designated for a musicians’ stage has been transformed into an amphitheater for concerts"
Explanation: "Designated" and "transformed" are more precise and formal than "designed" and "developed," enhancing clarity. -
"which leads to Arnold Avenue" -> "which provides access to Arnold Avenue"
Explanation: "Provides access to" is more formal and precise than "leads to," improving clarity. -
"the rose garden has remained intact" -> "the rose garden has been preserved"
Explanation: "Preserved" is a more formal and precise term than "remained intact," enhancing the academic tone. -
"but the seats around it have been removed" -> "but the surrounding seating has been eliminated"
Explanation: "Surrounding seating" is more precise than "seats around it," and "eliminated" is more formal than "removed." -
"rose garden and water plants have been replaced by a cafe and a children’s playground" -> "the rose garden and aquatic plants have been replaced by a café and a children’s playground"
Explanation: "Aquatic plants" is more precise than "water plants," and "café" is the correct spelling in formal contexts. -
"respectively" -> "in that order"
Explanation: "In that order" is clearer and more formal than "respectively," improving readability.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the changes in the park. It presents some key features and bullet points, but the details are not always accurate or relevant. For example, the essay states that the rose garden in the southeast of the park has been removed, but the diagram shows that it is still there. The essay also mentions that the seats around the rose garden have been removed, but the diagram shows that some seats remain.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details about the changes in the park. The writer should also make sure that the information they present is consistent with the diagrams. For example, the essay should not state that the rose garden in the southeast of the park has been removed when the diagram shows that it is still there. The writer should also avoid making assumptions about the changes in the park. For example, the essay should not state that the seats around the rose garden have been removed when the diagram shows that some seats remain. Instead, the writer should simply describe what is shown in the diagrams.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the description of the park in 1920 to its current layout. However, while there is an attempt to use cohesive devices, some sentences exhibit mechanical or faulty cohesion, particularly in transitions between ideas. For instance, the phrase "Walking up to the central rose garden" introduces a new idea but lacks a clear connection to the previous sentence. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be grouped more effectively for clarity.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Additionally, refining the transitions between ideas will help create a smoother reading experience.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It uses some less common lexical items, such as "infrastructure," "displacements," and "amphitheater," which shows an attempt to enhance the language used. However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "has given its place to" which could be more naturally expressed. Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation that do not significantly impede communication but do detract from the overall quality.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could incorporate a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary and ensure more precise word choices. Additionally, reducing errors in spelling and word formation would enhance clarity. Practicing the use of uncommon lexical items in context and refining collocation would also contribute to a more polished and flexible use of language.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the overall grammatical control is inconsistent. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as in the phrase "that has now been removed," which should be "that have now been removed" to agree with the plural subject "arrangements." These errors do not significantly hinder communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for agreement errors and punctuation mistakes. Increasing the variety of complex structures and ensuring that they are used correctly will also help. Additionally, practicing the construction of error-free sentences and refining the overall coherence of the essay can lead to a more polished final product.
Bài sửa mẫu
The given diagram describes the layout of a particular public park in 1920 and how it appears today. Overall, compared to 1920, the infrastructure of the park has undergone significant changes. The most striking transformations include the rearrangement and removal of old facilities, along with the integration of modern amenities, making the park more visitor-friendly.
Upon entering the park from Eldon Street, one can immediately see a large rose garden, now surrounded by seating, which was formerly occupied by a fountain. In the southeast section of the Grand Park, the original rose garden and seating arrangements have been removed. On the right-hand side, the previous glasshouse has been replaced by a water feature. Behind this water feature, an underground car park has been constructed.
Walking towards the central rose garden, the area designated for a musicians’ stage has been developed into an amphitheater for concerts in the west. Continuing to the end of the park, which leads to Arnold Avenue, the rose garden on the left has remained intact, although the seating around it has been removed. Meanwhile, in the southwest, the rose garden and water plants have been replaced by a café and a children’s playground, respectively.
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