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The plans below show a public park when it first opened in 1920 and the same park today

The plans below show a public park when it first opened in 1920 and the same park today

The map displays the changes of Grange Park since it was launched in 1920 compared to its current state.
From an overview perspective, it is obvious that the center and the surroundings of the park passed through numerous changes with the most remarkable being the removal of the garden and the expansion of facilities to serve recreational purposes.
Initially, in 1920, we can clearly see that there are 2 main entrances where the tourists access easily inside; however, nowadays, another entrance underground car park was added at the bottom right-hand corner. Originally, a fountain was located in the center of the park, along with a stage for musicians to its right side. But now, this setup has been replaced by a larger rose garden, while the stage was demolished to make space for an Amphitheatre designed for concerts.
Considering the remaining features, there were rose gardens in the north and south of the park, accompanied by plenty of seating areas for visitors. However, only the garden at the top left-hand corner was unchanged. Another noticeable change was witnessed in the northeast corner…. is that the pond for water plants and the water feature on the opposite side. Conversely, all of them were transformed into updated ones, while the former was removed to make way for a children's play area and Cafe, the latter was rebuilt to offer a water feature.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "From an overview perspective" -> "From a general perspective"
    Explanation: "Overview perspective" is redundant. Using "general perspective" avoids redundancy and maintains the intended meaning.

  2. "passed through numerous changes" -> "undergone significant changes"
    Explanation: "Passed through" is somewhat informal and vague; "undergone significant changes" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

  3. "the most remarkable being the removal" -> "the most notable change being the removal"
    Explanation: "The most remarkable" is somewhat subjective and informal. "The most notable change" is more objective and formal.

  4. "to serve recreational purposes" -> "for recreational purposes"
    Explanation: "To serve" can be replaced with "for" to make the phrase more direct and formal.

  5. "we can clearly see" -> "it is evident"
    Explanation: "We can clearly see" is conversational and less formal. "It is evident" is more appropriate for academic writing.

  6. "another entrance underground car park was added" -> "an underground parking facility was added"
    Explanation: "Entrance underground car park" is awkward and informal. "Underground parking facility" is more precise and formal.

  7. "at the bottom right-hand corner" -> "in the lower right quadrant"
    Explanation: "Bottom right-hand corner" is informal and less precise. "Lower right quadrant" is more formal and geographically precise.

  8. "a fountain was located in the center of the park, along with a stage for musicians to its right side" -> "a fountain was situated in the park’s center, accompanied by a stage for musicians to the right"
    Explanation: "Located" and "to its right side" are informal and less precise. "Situated" and "to the right" are more formal and clear.

  9. "But now, this setup has been replaced" -> "However, this setup has been replaced"
    Explanation: "But" is too conversational for academic writing. "However" is more formal.

  10. "a larger rose garden, while the stage was demolished to make space for an Amphitheatre designed for concerts" -> "a larger rose garden, and the stage was demolished to accommodate an amphitheater designed for concerts"
    Explanation: "While" is informal and can be replaced with "and" for a smoother flow. "Amphitheatre" should be spelled as one word, and "accommodate" is more precise than "make space for."

  11. "Considering the remaining features" -> "Noting the remaining features"
    Explanation: "Considering" is somewhat informal and vague. "Noting" is more specific and formal.

  12. "accompanied by plenty of seating areas for visitors" -> "accompanied by numerous seating areas for visitors"
    Explanation: "Plenty" is informal and vague. "Numerous" is more precise and formal.

  13. "Another noticeable change was witnessed in the northeast corner…. is that the pond for water plants and the water feature on the opposite side" -> "Another notable change observed in the northeast corner is the transformation of the pond for water plants and the water feature on the opposite side"
    Explanation: The original sentence is incomplete and unclear. The revision clarifies and formalizes the statement.

  14. "the former was removed to make way for a children’s play area and Cafe" -> "the former was removed to make way for a children’s play area and a cafe"
    Explanation: "Cafe" should be lowercase as it is a common noun, and the addition of "a" before "cafe" corrects the grammatical structure.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the changes in the park, but it does not fully cover all the key features. For example, the essay mentions that the pond for water plants was removed to make way for a children’s play area and cafe, but it does not mention that the water feature was rebuilt. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that the stage was demolished to make space for an amphitheatre designed for concerts. This detail is not relevant to the task, which is to describe the changes in the park.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more comprehensive overview of the changes in the park. The essay should also focus on the key features of the park and avoid including irrelevant details. The essay should also be more accurate in its description of the changes. For example, the essay states that the pond for water plants was removed to make way for a children’s play area and cafe, but this is not accurate. The pond was actually transformed into a water feature.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the description of the park in 1920 to its current state. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances of awkward phrasing and mechanical cohesion that detract from the overall clarity. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped to enhance readability. The central topics within paragraphs are sometimes unclear, leading to a lack of fluidity in the narrative.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas by ensuring that related information is grouped together in well-structured paragraphs. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring they are used naturally will help avoid mechanical or repetitive phrasing. Clarifying the central topic of each paragraph and ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth will also contribute to a higher score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for some flexibility in expression. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "Amphitheatre" and "recreational purposes," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing (e.g., "the tourists access easily inside"). Additionally, there are several grammatical errors and issues with word formation that detract from the overall clarity of the message. While the meaning is generally conveyed, these errors do not impede communication significantly.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes avoiding awkward phrases and ensuring correct word forms (e.g., "access" should be "access to"). Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions, while ensuring they are used correctly, would elevate the essay. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors will also help to improve clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. There are several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally obscure meaning, such as "the tourists access easily inside" and "the garden at the top left-hand corner was unchanged." While the overall communication is maintained, these errors can cause some difficulty for the reader. The essay does attempt to use a variety of structures, but the accuracy of these structures is inconsistent.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

  1. Sentence Structure: Practice constructing more complex sentences accurately, ensuring that clauses are correctly linked and punctuated.
  2. Grammar and Punctuation: Review common grammatical rules and punctuation usage to minimize errors. This could involve revising sentences for clarity and correctness.
  3. Proofreading: Implement a proofreading stage to catch and correct minor errors before submission, which can help in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The map displays the changes to Grange Park since it first opened in 1920 compared to its current state. From an overview perspective, it is evident that the center and the surroundings of the park have undergone numerous changes, with the most notable being the removal of the garden and the expansion of facilities for recreational purposes.

Initially, in 1920, there were two main entrances that allowed tourists easy access to the park; however, nowadays, an additional entrance for an underground car park has been added at the bottom right-hand corner. Originally, a fountain was located in the center of the park, accompanied by a stage for musicians to its right. This setup has now been replaced by a larger rose garden, while the stage has been demolished to make space for an amphitheatre designed for concerts.

Considering the remaining features, there were rose gardens in the north and south of the park, along with plenty of seating areas for visitors. However, only the garden in the top left-hand corner remains unchanged. Another noticeable change occurred in the northeast corner, where the pond for water plants and the water feature on the opposite side have both been transformed. The former was removed to make way for a children’s play area and café, while the latter was rebuilt to offer a new water feature.

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