the process of prducing edible oil and fats, and margarine

The picture shows how to produce edible oils and fats, and margarine.

Overall, the process includes 11 steps, beginning with collection with the collection of raw materials like sunflower, soybeans, peanuts, and coconuts from suppliersers and ending with distributing the final products to retail outlets.

In the first step, the raw materials are gathered and transported by shops and then they are stored in silos. Before be heating by steaming it need to crush and mill, pressing, filtering by the automatic machine to obtain oil extracts.

In the next stage, Raw materials after being steam will yield three different types of oil, including sunflower, coconuts and refined oils are produced and stored in huge tank containers. Finally, they will be transported and distributed to stores and supermarkets.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The picture shows how to produce edible oils and fats, and margarine." -> "The diagram illustrates the process of producing edible oils, fats, and margarine."
Explanation: Replacing "The picture shows" with "The diagram illustrates" corrects the terminology to be more precise and formal, as "diagram" is typically used in academic contexts to describe visual representations of processes.
"collection with the collection" -> "collection of raw materials"
Explanation: Removing the redundant "with the" streamlines the sentence and clarifies the meaning, making it more concise and direct.
"suppliersers" -> "suppliers"
Explanation: This is a typographical error, correcting it to "suppliers" ensures the text is free of errors and maintains professionalism.
"shops" -> "factories"
Explanation: Replacing "shops" with "factories" is more accurate in the context of industrial processes, aligning with the formal tone of the essay.
"Before be heating by steaming it need to crush and mill, pressing, filtering" -> "Before being heated by steaming, it is necessary to crush, mill, press, and filter"
Explanation: Correcting grammatical errors ("Before be" to "Before being") and rephrasing for clarity ("it need" to "it is necessary") improves the sentence structure and readability.
"by the automatic machine" -> "using an automatic machine"
Explanation: "Using an automatic machine" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the text.
"Raw materials after being steam" -> "Raw materials after being steamed"
Explanation: Correcting the verb form from "steam" to "steamed" fixes a grammatical error and ensures consistency with the previous verb tense.
"sunflower, coconuts and refined oils" -> "sunflower oil, coconut oil, and refined oils"
Explanation: Specifying "oil" after each type of raw material clarifies the output of the process and aligns with standard terminology in the context of oil production.
"huge tank containers" -> "large storage containers"
Explanation: "Large storage containers" is a more precise and formal term than "huge tank containers," which is somewhat colloquial.
"they will be transported and distributed to stores and supermarkets" -> "they are transported and distributed to retail outlets"
Explanation: Using "are" instead of "will be" for a more definitive and formal tone, and replacing "stores and supermarkets" with "retail outlets" provides a more specific and formal term.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the process, and it recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents some key features/bullet points, but it inadequately covers them. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the process. The essay should also focus on the key features/bullet points of the process, rather than on details. The essay should be more concise and to the point. The essay should also be more accurate. For example, the essay states that the raw materials are gathered and transported by shops. This is incorrect. The raw materials are gathered and transported by suppliers. The essay also states that the raw materials are stored in silos. This is incorrect. The raw materials are stored in silos after they have been transported. The essay should also be more consistent in its use of language. For example, the essay uses the word "yield" in one sentence and the word "produce" in another sentence. These words have similar meanings, but they are not interchangeable. The essay should use the same word consistently throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. The steps of the process are mentioned, but the connection between them is not clearly established. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with some repetitive phrases. The essay lacks clear referencing and substitution, leading to some repetition. The paragraphing is also inadequate, with some confusion in the structure.

How to improve: To improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay focus on creating a clear progression between the steps of the process. Use a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and avoid repetitive phrases. Ensure that referencing and substitution are used effectively to avoid repetition. Additionally, work on organizing the essay into logical paragraphs to improve the overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay uses a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. There are some errors in word choice and spelling that may cause some difficulty for the reader. The essay lacks variety in vocabulary and could benefit from more precise and sophisticated lexical choices.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, try to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary related to the process of producing edible oils and fats. Use more specific and technical terms to convey information accurately. Additionally, pay attention to spelling and word choice to avoid errors that may impact the clarity of the essay. Consider using synonyms and varying sentence structures to enhance the lexical richness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors throughout the essay that affect the overall clarity and accuracy of the content. The errors include issues with subject-verb agreement, word choice, and sentence structure.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy of the essay, the writer should pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word choice. Additionally, proofreading the essay for grammatical errors before submission can help enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram illustrates the process of producing edible oils, fats, and margarine.

Overall, the process consists of 11 steps, commencing with the collection of raw materials such as sunflower, soybeans, peanuts, and coconuts from suppliers and concluding with the distribution of the final products to retail outlets.

Initially, the raw materials are gathered and transported to storage silos. Subsequently, they undergo crushing, milling, pressing, and filtering by automatic machines to extract oils. These oils include sunflower, coconut, and refined oils, which are then stored in large tank containers after being steamed.

In the final stages, the oils are transported and distributed to various stores and supermarkets.