The table and pie charts below provide information about school attendance rates together with causes of poor school attendance in a particular city in 2007 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. You should write about 150 words.

The table and pie charts below provide information about school attendance rates together with causes of poor school attendance in a particular city in 2007 and 2012.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. You should write about 150 words.

The given table and pie charts shed light on school attendance figures in conjunction with particular reasons for low school attendance in a specific city in 2007 and 2012.
Upon closer scrutiny, attendance rates among four types of schools experienced an incremental rise within the period. It is also worth mentioning that the primary cause of poor attendance is attributable to both parents working.
Commencing with the data analysis in 2007, it is noticeable that attendance statistics in primary schools and lower secondary schools claimed the top spots with 91% and 83% in that order. As for higher secondary schools and vocational schools, the figures were situated at the bottom of the rankings, with 75% and 71% respectively. In the forthcoming five years, primary schools maintained their lead with the rates advancing up to 98%. Remarkably, the data for lower and higher secondary schools mutually escalated up to 95%. Meanwhile, 88% was the proportion registered for vocational schools, which also dramatically upsurged.
Shifting the focus to the causes of poor school attendance, it is noted that both parents working secured the most significant segment with 40% in 2007 and climed by 13% five years later. By the same token, the figures for peer pressure exhibited an increase from 15% to 19%. Conversely, lack of school discipline and violence both saw a decline by approximately 10%. Meanwhile, upbringing showed no variation in the percentage, which stayed immuatble at the numeric value of 5% over five years.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "shed light on" -> "provide insight into"
   Explanation: "Provide insight into" is a more formal and precise way to describe the purpose of presenting data, aligning better with academic style.

2. "Upon closer scrutiny" -> "Upon examination"
   Explanation: "Upon examination" is a more formal and precise term that enhances the academic tone of the analysis.

3. "It is also worth mentioning" -> "It is noteworthy to observe"
   Explanation: "It is noteworthy to observe" sounds more formal and academic, fitting the context better than the more conversational "It is also worth mentioning."

4. "the primary cause of poor attendance is attributable to" -> "the primary cause of poor attendance is attributed to"
   Explanation: "Attributed to" is the correct grammatical form in this context, improving the sentence structure and formality.

5. "Commencing with" -> "Beginning with"
   Explanation: "Beginning with" is a more straightforward and formal phrase, suitable for academic writing.

6. "claimed the top spots" -> "held the highest positions"
   Explanation: "Held the highest positions" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "claimed the top spots."

7. "mutually escalated up to" -> "simultaneously increased to"
   Explanation: "Simultaneously increased to" is more accurate and formal, correctly conveying the simultaneous nature of the changes.

8. "dramatically upsurged" -> "dramatically increased"
   Explanation: "Increased" is sufficient and more formal than "upsurged," which is somewhat informal and less commonly used in academic writing.

9. "Shifting the focus to the causes of poor school attendance" -> "Moving to the causes of poor school attendance"
   Explanation: "Moving to" is a more direct and formal transition phrase, suitable for academic writing.

10. "climed" -> "increased"
    Explanation: "Climed" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "increased" for clarity and accuracy.

11. "exhibited an increase from 15% to 19%" -> "increased from 15% to 19%"
    Explanation: Removing "exhibited" simplifies the sentence and maintains the formal tone.

12. "lack of school discipline and violence" -> "lack of school discipline and violent behavior"
    Explanation: Adding "behavior" clarifies the meaning and provides a more specific term, enhancing the academic precision.

13. "upbringing showed no variation in the percentage" -> "upbringing did not exhibit a change in the percentage"
    Explanation: "Did not exhibit a change" is more formal and precise than "showed no variation," aligning better with academic style.

14. "which stayed immuatble at the numeric value of 5% over five years" -> "which remained constant at 5% over the five-year period"
    Explanation: "Remained constant" is more precise and formal than "stayed immuatble," correcting a typographical error and improving clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the information in the table and pie charts, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay states that attendance rates in all four types of schools experienced an incremental rise, but it does not provide any specific details about the magnitude of these increases. The essay also does not make clear comparisons between the data for 2007 and 2012. For example, the essay states that the figures for peer pressure exhibited an increase from 15% to 19%, but it does not compare this increase to the increases in other causes of poor school attendance.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data and by making more explicit comparisons between the data for 2007 and 2012. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, instead of saying that attendance rates "experienced an incremental rise," the essay could say that attendance rates "increased significantly" or "increased by a large margin."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the attendance rates to the causes of poor attendance. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, and some sentences lack clarity in their connections. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, particularly in separating the analysis of attendance rates from the discussion of causes. Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion but does not fully meet the higher band criteria due to these issues.

How to improve:

1. Enhance Logical Flow: Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Consider using more varied linking phrases to connect ideas and sections more fluidly.
2. Clarify Cohesive Devices: Avoid over-reliance on certain cohesive devices. Instead, aim for a more natural integration of these devices to enhance readability.
3. Refine Paragraphing: Clearly delineate between different aspects of the task (e.g., attendance rates vs. causes) by creating distinct paragraphs for each topic. This will help in presenting a clearer central topic within each paragraph.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the information. The use of less common lexical items, such as "incremental rise," "noteworthy," and "immuatble," indicates an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, such as "claimed the top spots" which could be more precisely phrased, and "climed" which is a spelling error. While the vocabulary is adequate for the task, the occasional inaccuracies and spelling mistakes prevent it from reaching a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary with greater precision and fewer errors. This could involve practicing synonyms for common phrases, ensuring correct spelling, and refining word choice to better fit the context. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentence structures and varied expressions would demonstrate a higher level of lexical control.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and shows good control of grammar and punctuation. Most sentences are error-free, and the writer effectively communicates the main features of the data. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall accuracy, such as "climed" instead of "climbed" and "immuatble" instead of "immutable." These errors, while not frequent, indicate that there is still room for improvement in grammatical accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for minor errors and ensuring that all vocabulary is correctly used. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures, such as conditional sentences or more complex clauses, could further elevate the essay’s quality. Practicing with more complex grammatical forms and seeking feedback on written work can also help in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given table and pie charts shed light on school attendance figures alongside specific reasons for low school attendance in a particular city in 2007 and 2012.

Upon closer scrutiny, attendance rates among four types of schools experienced an incremental rise during this period. It is also worth mentioning that the primary cause of poor attendance is attributable to both parents working.

Commencing with the data analysis in 2007, it is noticeable that attendance statistics in primary schools and lower secondary schools occupied the top spots with 91% and 83%, respectively. In contrast, higher secondary schools and vocational schools ranked at the bottom, with figures of 75% and 71%. Over the next five years, primary schools maintained their lead, with rates advancing to 98%. Remarkably, the data for lower and higher secondary schools mutually escalated to 95%. Meanwhile, the proportion for vocational schools also dramatically increased to 88%.

Shifting the focus to the causes of poor school attendance, it is noted that both parents working secured the largest segment, accounting for 40% in 2007, which climbed by 13% five years later. Similarly, the figures for peer pressure exhibited an increase from 15% to 19%. Conversely, lack of school discipline and violence both saw a decline of approximately 10%. Meanwhile, upbringing showed no variation in percentage, remaining constant at 5% over the five years.